I think we can only draw one conclusion from this interview: Michal Neuvirth is a supervillain.

Born of envy and lack of acknowledgement, he toiled in the shadows behind other, less talented goalies:

It’s true that until now, I have never been an official number one.

Always been the bridesmaid in the Washington crease, never the bride.

He was unappreciated and ignored by his coach:

I am happy about Oates [...] because it means Dale Hunter isn’t staying.

He simply didn’t talk to us goalies at all, I think he criticized us sometimes for no reason.

Now, slowly, his competition falls away, one by one…

At first – the Russian who was always in front of me because he was drafted higher and played in the NHL sooner. It was hard to get in front of him. But in the end I played much more than he did.

Hahaha…

I was the one who advised [Vokoun] to leave for Pittsburgh.

Ahahaha…

I am really sure that I have the weakest competition (Braden Holtby) I’ve ever had. I will try to be number one goalie this season. Finally!

MUAHAHAHAHA!
» Continue reading “Michal Neuvirth Reveals His Evil Plan”

Figure today is as good a day as any to bust out the playoff bracket. Trade secret: I write a lot of these by hand, both because it’s impolite to use a computer during most of my classes, and because it means I can edit&revise on-the-fly, since I’m forced to re-read them. Otherwise I wouldn’t even read them the one time. So here’s what I wrote, verbatim:

Just did a bracket. Feels awful. I don’t, in any real way, believe the Caps can win the Cup. We’re not the best (I think I’ve made it clear that the Prez reflects that). But there’s a chance, like for every team that makes it to the postseason, that we can blindly luck into it. So here’s my Hope Bracket.

NYR-OTT: NYR, 5
BOS-WSH: WSH, 6
FLA-NJD: NJD, 4
PIT-PHI: PIT, 7
VAN-LAK: VAN, 4
STL-SJS: STL, 6
PHX-CHI: CHI, 5
NSH-DET: DET, 6

NYR-WSH: WSH, 7
PIT-NJD: PIT, 5
VAN-CHI: VAN, 7
STL-DET: DET, 5

WSH-PIT: WSH, 7
VAN-DET: VAN, 6

WSH-VAN: WSH, 6

(NB. I don’t even believe my Hope Bracket. Even if we did stumble blindly through the first two rounds, I don’t think there’s a shot we take the Penguins. They always win. They’re like the institutions in The Wire.)

My Realistic Bracket looks more like this (the West has been omitted since it’s the same):
BOS-WSH: BOS, 5 (There’s no way we don’t win the first game 4-1, then get swept the rest of the series. I, as Mark Messier or Daniel Alfredsson would say, guarantee it.) It’s also the one I submitted to Rinkotology.

NYR-NJD: NYR, 4
BOS-PIT: PIT, 6

NYR-PIT: PIT, 5

PIT-VAN: VAN, 6

Don’t ask my rationale: I don’t have one. It’s pure intuition, and, in the West, some coin tossing (“Have I watched even a single Blues game this season?!”). If I do use some semblance of logic, it’s so very basic as to be easily divined (“Well, Pittsburgh has Crosby AND Malkin!”). Actually, looking at it in retrospect, what I seem to have done was unconsciously pick my least favorite team in each match-up and assume they’d win, because I’m allergic to optimism (except in the case of VAN-PIT, where even I won’t let myself look at the worst-case scenario).

Here are the odds from Bovada as compiled by Puck Daddy. My favorite part, as always, are the prop bets. Unfortunately there aren’t that many really interesting ones; remember when TSN was keeping a big whiteboard tally of “too many men on the ice” penalties? Here the most interesting one is “how many times will Luongo get pulled” which admittedly makes me extremely happy.

Enjoy the game tonight: 7:30 on CSN-Washington, NESN, or, if you live out of market, NBCSports!

(Remember to check out the competish at A Cup A Bruin.)

It’s my personal favorite day: goalie day! I love goaltenders, netminders, puckstoppers, creasekeepers, tendies, and every other bizarre synonym you’ve got.

And just my luck, there’s so much to yap about. Let’s start with the good guys (somewhere along the line this switched from “know thy enemy” to my favorite tag on this blog, “goalie blather”):

Tomas Vokoun: He’s going to be outsies for the rest of the season, even if he’s playing coy about it. Anyone saying anything else is being optimistic, or, as I like to think of it, an idiot.

Michal Neuvirth: He’s been called “inconclusive” and reports are only willing to count him out for a few days at a time, but I think it’s clear he won’t be around for at least this series, and I’m skeptical about the rest of the playoffs. Have you ever had a 200-pound Bavarian on top of you? Oh, uh… me neither.

Braden Holtby: Now we’re talking. Like Neuvy before him, and Varly before him, we’re starting a rank amateur in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. That’s good Capitals tradition right there. Although if we’re going to be truly honest, it’s less “rank amateur” and more “guy rocking a .922 SV% and 2.49 GAA through an admittedly small sample size, who has shown himself to be a standout at the AHL level and more than capable of holding his own in the NHL.” Still, he’s just one guy. If he gets injured…

Dany Sabourin: DESASTRE IMMINENTE
(His playoff experience involves going in after Luongo was pulled on two separate occasions, both losses. Hooray!)

No clue what we’re supposed to do if Holts and/or Sabs goes down. In the long-standing tradition of using random members of the front office, we’ve been playing the Director of Media Relations Sergey Kocharov in net during practice because they want me to have a heart attack.

So how are thing’s doing for the men in the black hats?

Tim Thomas: Everyone’s favorite Libertarian is ready and rarin’ for the playoffs, though he abruptly shut down his latest presser when asked about the White House incident. Now everyone wants Obama to get seats behind the net for games 3 and 4 (but he won’t, because he hates hockey and refuses to go to any Caps games). New plan: wave Obama-head signs at him, or wear bank stick-up-style Obama masks. Look how big the government’s gotten now!

Oh yeah, and he went 35-19-1 with a .920SV% and 2.36 GAA yada yada yada. Just because he’s great doesn’t mean he’s not also crazy.

Tuukka Rask: Still out, according to my professor. The most up-to-date Bruins source!

Anton Khudobin: To be honest, I have no clue who this guy is. I only heard about him because I saw a headline on NHL.com saying “Khudo-win!” which is a pretty awful sign for us. He is 1-0-0 with a .978 SV% and 1.00 GAA, which is a long-winded way of saying SAMPLE SIZE.

Marty Turco: He’s not eligible to play in the playoffs. I just wanted to remind you he was on the Bruins for about twenty minutes this season so we can all laugh together!

I would give them the edge in goaltending, but not as much of an edge as they think they have. Unlike most other things, I have faith in Holtby. He’s a neurotic and superstitious young cuss but he’s 14-4-3 in the NHL with a .922 SV% and 2.02 GAA. He’s intensely focused, even-keeled, and dependable when the chips are down. He lavishly complimented NHL refs, which will surely buy him a call or two. He also went drinking with Stretch Leonhardt and Mike Vogel when he was 19, which is naughty but also reasonably funny. Don’t let me down, Holts.

For more goalie infos, check out the Goalie Guild and his depth charts, because he’s the best in the biz and also I have a secret crush on him. And as always, A Cup A Bruin has all the perspective I lack.

Tomorrow: a playoff bracket that was written while I listened to “The Best of The Smiths” on repeat!

Time for me to put on my Mark Messier-designed concussion-proof helmet and do some real live hockey analysis. Today: FORWARDS~!

Looking at the page of stats NHL.com has generously given the world, there are some sweeping generalizations to make. Let’s approach them in bulleted form:

-There are no 30-goal scorers. [points, laughs] The Capitals have one in Alex Ovechkin.

-They do, however, have 6 guys with 20+ goals, one with 29 and one with 28 (those would be Tyler Seguin and Brad Marchand). The Caps drop off dramatically from 38 goals with Ovie, then Semin with 21, and Chimera (?!) with 20. Hmmph.

-There are, however, four 60+ point scorers. (Seguin, Patrice Bergeron, David Krejci, and Milan Lucic). The Caps… have Ovechkin.

-Bergeron, Krejci, and Seguin also have the highest assist totals, which is understandable since they’re all centers.

Wait, WHAT?

That’s like, Pittsburgh-caliber s*** right there. Are you freaking KIDDING me? Their top three centers all have more points than our number 1 assist guy, who happens to be SEMIN, which is a huge problem all on its own. Milan Lucic, NOT A CENTER, has more assists than anyone on our team. Argh.

-Milan Lucic also manages to have 135 PIM, compared to our leader of Matt Hendricks with 95. Lucic is 6’4″ 220, while Hendy is 6′ 211. And he’s not even their number one fighter! That would be Shawn Thornton. And since it’s forwards day, I can’t even mention the Eastern Bloc nuclear experiment capable of throwing other players around like ragdolls. If we even try to get physical, the best case scenario is getting laughed out of the garden. Worst case: Milan Lucic gets convicted of manslaughter.

-I’m done. This is a horrible mismatch. They have plus-minuses through the roof. Their shooting percentages are spread more evenly than freshly rolled fondant. They’ve got guys with 60+% faceoff wins. I bet their Corsi ratings would make a madam blush.

-We have a wild imblance between our good guys and our meh guys. Ovechkin and Semin have been playing great, and our stats are skewed by the fact that Backstrom only played 42 games, because I can only hope that he would prove to be a better set-up man than MILAN LUCIC. With the exception of our top guys, they seem to just be better man-for-man. Shawn Thornton has more points than Matt Hendricks, who was at least nominally not signed for his toughness, and his hands are made of cement. He really was signed for how well he can reconstruct someone’s face! Argh!

Well, after that descent into hysterics, I can’t imagine why you WOUDLN’T swing by tomorrow, when I will break down the defensemen like Chara could break down a Cadillac… WITH MY BARE HANDS. Check out A Cup A Bruin if you’d like the evil perspective on the series, and leave anonymous taunting comments!

(Note: I do not advocate leaving anonymous taunting comments on the Bruins blog.)

(Feel free to do it on the Steelers blog, though!)

It’s what we like to call the Alex Semin hat trick: a goal, an assist, and a lazy stick penalty. Semin was in Semin-ish form last night. And, extending my reputation as a hockey Nostradamus, I would like to point out I said my “player to watch” of this series would be… Aleksandr Syomin. Let’s just say, I understand how Alan May felt. (And an article about this mystery wrapped in an enigma appeared in today’s Post, written by Tarik el-Bashir. I would also be remiss if I didn’t link to SWhyno’s article about Semin, which actually uses the turn of phrase  “riddle wrapped in an enigma,” so naturally I feel some kinship.)

I was in attendance at this game, and between the tosser sitting behind me shrieking “HIT SOMEBODY” at people like Jeff Schultz and the tosser sitting in front of me whose taunting started at “Ref you suck” and ended with “Just because you’re wearing pinstripes doesn’t mean you’re the Yankees–” at which point he was drowned out by the rest of the crowd. But when I was not distracted by incoherent heckles I was reflecting on my latest subject of obsessive study (besides hockey): Machiavelli. (Thank you Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood.)

“Fortune is a woman,” he writes, “and if you wish to dominate her, you must beat and batter her. It is clear that she will let herself be won by men who are impetuous rather than those who step cautiously.” And this was turning over and over in my head during the third and overtime. Look, Capitals, I know it was the Rangers who convinced you that your balls-to-the-wall “just score one more” style of play was unsustainable, but there’s a difference between that and timidity. The Capitals were not trying to dominate Fortune; instead, they were presenting her with flowers and chocolates while she rolled her eyes. The only reason we won is because the Rangers offered her tickets to Sweeney Todd and Fortune hates Stephen Sondheim. This game, don’t let Fortune make the first move — you invite her up for coffee, and you make damn sure Marvin Gaye is already on your stereo.

The book on Lundqvist is traditionally one of two things: either “high glove side” or “if he can see it, he will stop it.” The latter made an appearance on Wednesday. Under these circumstances the graces of Fortune are imperative — especially if we are oddly reluctant to get in the crease and start banging away. Maybe he’ll be shaken and we’ll see HGL Lundqvist (I’ve never had the highest opinion of his mental fortitude), but we’re probably in for another night of low-scoring. I guess I sound like the horrible fan who directed most of Bettman’s thought processes (MORE SCORING!! MORE FRANCHISES!!), but it’s just not what I expect from the Capitals. One of the games I’ve most enjoyed watching was last season, Rangers vs. Devils, that went 0-0 and ended up with the Devils winning after the shootout went to extra shots. And that’s because a) I am obsessed with goalies and b) in a Rangers-Devils game, all I am watching is the goalies. In a Caps game, I expect a little more. (Okay, I would’ve been watching only the goalies if Varly were starting, because — and I may have mentioned this before — Varly is much much more interesting to watch.)

Neuvy gets the start again tonight. Incidentally, I learned this by bitching on Twitter “Could @Swhyno just confirm that Neuvy’s starting so I can go play Assassin’s Creed?” and his reply was VERY prompt. One more point to Whyno over Carrera! Anyway, it would be foolish to express anything other than the utmost confidence in Neuvy after that performance in game 1. I thought it was unfair the way King Henrik kept getting praise heaped on him while Neuvy was largely ignored, despite playing an extremely tight game that was of equal caliber. Neuvy did get a few posts, and Hank was facing more shots, but both certainly made eye-poppingly good saves.

All said, I reckon we won’t change things, seeing as we in fact won the first game. Apparently my trepidation in having nearly gone to double overtime in the first game against the eigth seed is entirely unwarranted.

If you’re interested in the controversy surrounding the tying goal, there’s a nice discussion on Japers, though you should be reading them religiously anyway. (NB: for those of us in the stands, the controversy was not apparent: I thought it was a case of goaltender interference, others weren’t sure if the net was dislodged, and intent to blow is of course always a possibility.) Very interesting series of videos that I wish I had known about earlier; I’m a sucker for rules. These are located at the Situation Room (the tab next to Top Headlines on the NHL website).

Also in the Post today — actually, in the WP Magazine that comes in the Sunday supplement — is a very interesting feature article on Matt Hendricks. One caveat: it’s written for the hockey layman, so you have to bear with explanations of what “fourth line” means. It also discusses fighting and the place it has in the game, which is a debate I enjoy, though much like religion, you can’t change my mind and I can’t change yours.

This story by Dan Steinberg was actually on the FRONT PAGE of the Post today, which makes me outrageously happy, because the Post hasn’t always been this forthcoming with Caps news.

Check out the sidebar for your links to SWhyno at the Times and Katie Carrera at the Post. Particular notice should be paid to this article on shot-blocking:

It’s an impressive stat and was the topic du jour at Kettler Capitals Iceplex following an optional skate, but in one discussion veteran reporter Joseph White from the Associated Press commented that it likely isn’t the “sexiest stat” out there for hockey fans.

Immediately upon processing the remark, amiable Capitals’ defenseman Karl Alzner replied, “It is to me.” It brought a bit of laughter from the rest of the media members assembled, but the 22-year-old blueliner was serious.

This is, of course, ridiculous: Karl Alzner’s sexiest stat is “beard growth.”

And of course, forewarned is forearmed: check out the competition at A Shot from Broadway.

Official Capitals Preview
Official Rangers Preview

Last minute update via @jessespector: Zuccarello and Eminger scratched tonight as Avery returns to #NYR lineup. My reaction? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS