Okay, the whole 3 goals on 14 shots thing is unforgiveable. But there’s not a whole lot you can do to “fix” a goalie in two days. Holtby wasn’t able to concentrate when no one was shooting on him for the majority of the game, which sounds Sidney Crosby-like in its whininess but as someone who has played goalie in a game where there wasn’t a shot on my net for the first 5 minutes, I can tell you that he has at least a semblance of a point. Not only is it hard to stay focused, but there’s also this sort of rising panic. Stopping your first shot of the game is profoundly important for a goalie’s psyche, and while Holtby is a paid professional, he is also someone prone to superstition and routine. No good to let an antsy neurotic goalie fester with nothing to do.

What really irks me is the failure of Washington to capitalize on the power play.* We went 0-for-4, which is unconscionable. It doesn’t take an eagle eye** to see that we need the major powers to produce more. The shot leaders were Semin with 3 and Johansson with 2. Ovie and Backstrom had 1 apiece despite getting monumental*** PP time. Ovechkin should be positively sheepish**** about that game — I know the Rangers are focusing some serious D on the Capitals captain, but individuals such as Hendricks receiving exactly 0:00 of power play time are still managing 1 shots on goal, and if you’re getting nearly four and a half minutes, I don’t think it’s excessive to expect legitimate production.

But that’s pretty much always been the book on the Capitals. When Ovechkin and Backstrom, Semin and Green are clicking, we’re nigh-unbeatable. The Ovechkin-Backstrom-Knuble line was our bread and butter, because Backstrom could get the amazing pass to Ovechkin, and if Ovie didn’t pot it, Knuble would be there to slam home the rebound. When our top guys don’t get it done, we look like the Stars — somewhere on the boundary between playoffs and tee time. I guess what we really look like are this year’s Capitals. And frankly, that’s not good enough for this team or their fans.

The team, and especially Brooks Laich, pretty much concur, saying they needed to clean up their game. Mythical Beast Jason Chimera decried the effort level, and “several players” were not happy with the intensity. I agree. The Capitals looked sluggish, they fell apart in the 3rd, and they managed a pathetic number of shots on goal. But I’m not despairing. I think they can still steal a game at MSG before coming home.

*This is to mark every awful pun I make in this paragraph. 1!
*2!
***3! Like the Washington Monument, eh? Eh?
****4! This is a pun in Russian, I promise.

Game’s at 7:30 on NBCSports. Read about the competish over at the Intermission Report, though I’m told Black and Blueshirts will be up shortly.

Saturday Night Live is one of the very few things I don’t despise about New York City, and in honor of America’s favorite City Correspondent, I am instituting the Stefon Zolesky SPICY Player of the Game Award!

I went in with Braden Holtby as the Vegas favorite to win this, what with his sassy glove hand and his staunch refusal to be psyched out by bitchy little sour grapes like Rich Peverley. Unfortunately he put up some really un-sexy stats, like allowing 3 goals on 14 shots. Ugh. Not SPICY! (Holts actually said he had trouble keeping focused because he faced so few shots. Please don’t say things like that, Holtby. At best, it’s a White Whine.)

So the next obvious choice was Henrik Lundqvist, who admittedly had a .944SV% by stopping 17 of 18 shots. Really? I mean, sure, good job or whatever, but that’s so few shots. Frankly, the posts were just as SPICY as Lundqvist, since 4 of the Caps shots rang off with ding that was as merry as it was depressing.
» Continue reading “Capitals Drop Game 1 To Rangers”

Apparently the so-called “experts” at the Worldwide Leader all picked the Rangers to win this series. Well, I don’t know they can be experts when they don’t even seem to have seen the replay — or apparently any hockey for the last two weeks. If they had, they might have noticed that the Caps dethroned the reigning Stanley Cup champs and number 2 seed, while the Rags struggled mightily trying to boot the 8 seed and fellow national capital Senators. (Aside: if you suspect someone’s Canadian but can’t be sure, ask them what the capital of Canada is. A) They will know it in the first place, which I doubt more than 25% of Americans do, and B) they will say OttaWA with a stressed final syllable, while Americans would say OTTawa, with the final syllable trailing off into a schwa.)

Anyway, only 3 Andy Sutton approved experts did not pick the Rangers to win. They were: Barry Melrose, proud mullet-wearer and the only person at ESPN who I would believe even watched a second of hockey since the lockout besides John Buccigross (who seems to make it his life’s goal to remind ESPN hockey exists, much to their chagrin), James Murphy (if you can’t guess where he’s from by his name, let me just say — he’s trying to make the last round less embarrassing in retrospect), and Jesse Rogers (the Blackhawks guy, so presumably he just wants to support Troy Brouwer).

Now Puck Daddy I can get behind. These aren’t a bunch of hastily cobbled together predictions from whoever happens to cover sports in that city, these people live and breathe hockey. So… the only guy who thought the Capitals would take it was Greg Wyshynski, Don Puck himself. Well, that’s not so bad (ignoring that he, like myself, picked the SC Final to be VAN-PIT). He knows his stuff, and even though he lives in LouCou (represent!) he’s a Devils fan, so it’s not a homer pick. The closest thing P. Daddy has to a homer is Dmitry Chesnokov, who covers Russians, which means he’s been around DC for the last couple of years (remember when we had Ovie, Sasha, Fedorov, Kozlov, and Varly? I’m going to cry), and he picked the Rangers. Booooo!

It’s time to give Braden Holtby the ultimate test of a Capitals rookie goalie: pair him against Henrik Lundqvist in the playoffs. Varlamov did it, and Neuvy did it, so let’s see if Holtby can. Meanwhile, we’ll stick a PR guy in net at Kettler and have all the skaters practice shooting high glove side (fun fact: when I play goaltender, my personal mantra is “don’t drop your glove hand or else you’ll embarrass yourself like (Vezina nominee) Henrik Lundqvist”).

I’d also just like to mention that Brian Boyle is skating again. Now, I’m not totally sure why it was he was out, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it was rehab, since my father and I watched 24/7 and he appeared to be completely hammered in every scene (my father: “that guy again? he must be an alcoholic or something”). What’s that? Concussion-related symptoms you say? Well, don’t I feel like a twat now.

Check out the Rags coverage on the Intermission Report, at least until the new girl gets her site rolling (and watch out for the shaving cream pies, rookie!). Game’s at 3. We are louder!

(Oh, right, my prediction. Caps in 7, what else?)

Game 2 at Verizon against the Rangers in the 2009 playoffs was the first hockey game I ever went to. (Call me a bandwagoner or whatever, but I don’t think you really have a leg to stand on if you try to chirp my fandom for not being pure or real.) Jose had been pulled in game 1, so we started rookie goaltender whose trade I still haven’t gotten over Semyon Varlamov. We still lost 1-0, but snakes alive was it a good game. It gave us that precious commodity: hope.

It’s narratively fitting, at least for me. Capitals-Rangers series seem to happen at important moments in my life. The end of my freshman year, when my friends and I boycotted the Hot Dog King (because of King Henrik) and refused to use any Rangers in endless sessions of NHL 3-on-3 Arcade (I wasn’t particularly good at that game, but I was awesome at headset trash-talking).

The next series I was in Europe, and I watched game 5 in a bar in Prague. A waiter saw me watching and asked what team I was cheering for. “Washington, of course!”
“Washington is my favorite team as well! I am Russian, and we love Ovechkin!”
(It was the day before Easter, which I remember because the waiter convinced us to drink some absinthe, and the next morning, the church bells would just not stop ringing.)

And now: I had my last undergraduate class yesterday. Today I rung a ceremonial bell (literally, not Brashear-style) in the oldest building at an institute of higher education still in use. I graduate in eighteen days. I’m about to start out on my trek into the real world, when I can no longer excuse my personality defects due to being a student, and to accompany me I have a playoff series so familiar it’s like an old friend. There’s still Ovie, and Sasha, and Backstrom, and Green, and Henrik, and Marc-Staal, and Dubinsky, and Callahan. I have a folder full of pictures that makes me tear up because it was that series that made us believe, even more than the year before, that maybe these Capitals are something special.

And, just for funsies, here is my coverage of last year’s WAS-NYR series:
Game 1 (Money quote: “In previous years Bruce has jumped straight to starting Varly as a sort of nuclear option, but this year the dynamic isn’t veteran-miracle rookie, but miracle rookie-miracle rookie.”)
Game 2 (Money quote: an extended metaphor about Fortune being a woman, ending with “you invite her up for coffee, and you make damn sure Marvin Gaye is already on your stereo.”)
Game 3 (Money quote: “Game three will be a test of [Neuvy's] mental fortitude more than anything; the MSG crowd is down there with Philly in terms of politeness, and it only gets worse during the playoffs.”)
Game 4 (Money quote: “Gaborik has so far been kept off the scoresheet, probably because he’s never dealt with this mysterious “postseason” before and is unsure how to handle it. Do the same rules apply? What happened to the shootout? Now he has to find different ways to choke!”)
Game 5 (Money quote: “Speaking of Neuvirth, that was quite a game he pulled down on Wednesday. He and the whole Caps squad. Coming back from a 3-0 deficit is not something I generally think we’re capable of.”)

Game 1 is on Saturday at 3pm, so it’s the perfect opportunity for some day drinking (something that will only be socially acceptable for me for eighteen more days). I’m told we have a Rangers writer now, so check her out over on… well, the Intermission Report for now.

Well.

This is the part where I say something self-effacing, like, “Hah, well, we can’t expect another lucky break,” or “I say, that was a good effort and an implausible series, eh wot?” (for some reason I am imagining these in a British accent). But I can’t really muster that up. Instead, I’m feeling something more along the lines of

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Which is an approximate representation of my feelings after the game. My friend, with whom I was watching the game, had to follow me onto the quad with my shoes, screaming that I had forgotten them (in between screaming “WE WOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!”).

Then I made everyone go to Dunkin Donuts so we could get some Boston Brewin’ (graceful in victory? I never.) and received some delightful texts, such as “Bruins in 9,” which was a response to the fact that I never wavered from my “Bruins in 5″ prediction.

The OT winning goal (what a heart attack phrase!) was scored by: Joel Ward. You know, the Predators playoff hero whom we signed to a long(ish) and expensive(ish) contract after his stellar play in the postseason last year. He hadn’t impressed us… so far. Now he scores the most important goal so far this season. (Want to read something that will make you feel truly awful about humanity? Check out the classy reactions of the hockey fan world to this goal. It’s not just Boston that’s full of racists — it’s everywhere!) (Now, to make you feel better after that, why not listen to radio guy John Walton’s call? Don’t worry, it incorporates the phrase “GOOD MORNING, GOOD AFTERNOON, AND GOOD NIGHT, BOSTON!” which I think must be his catchphrase.)

The primary assist went to Michael Rudolph Knuble — and if you don’t know how I feel about him, you probably haven’t been a longtime reader. Shame on you!

But the big name, the one to whom we owe this entire series success, is no surprise. Braden expletive deleted Holtby. What a netminder. What a beauty. He held us together through this entire ordeal, and this game wasn’t a cakewalk. He put up with some weirdo stuff, like Rich Peverley taking a baseball swing at his head, and maintained his sass and gloveliness the whole time. (Delightful article on him by The Goalie Guild that incorporates the phrase “goalie swagger,” like all great pieces of writing should).

With that done, let’s look towards the future: there are a bunch of options for who we will face next round, and by a bunch I mean: the Rangers, or the Flyers, or the Panthers, depending on how Thursday’s games pan out. Ahem…

If the Rangers win, that’s who we play. If the Senators win, we play the Panthers (if they win) or the Flyers (if the Devils win). Personally, I won’t be sad to see the Rangers — Hank’s weakness has always been high glove side, and the last Game 7 we won was against them — but the Panthers have their potential as well (we’ve already seen them, what, 1600 times this year?). I personally believe that the Rangers and Devils will win, because two nights ago I dreamt that Marty Brodeur and Ilya Bryzgalov were swing dancing together, and if that’s not a premonition, I don’t know what is.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an email to send my favorite professor. I think it will read something like this:

It’s okay guys. Ovie’s got this. (NSFW language)
» Continue reading “A Motivational Message From Captain Alex Ovechkin”

Like anyone with an internet connection and slightly obsessive tendencies, I heard about Dale Hunter’s comment that Game 7 should be “fun” and that the players should “have fun with it.” I have to admit, I’m skeptical.

Hockey is fun, yes. And watching hockey is likewise fun. Frankly, these last few weeks have been the best weeks of my senior year. I watched part of a Senators game yesterday. And liked it. I started crying when the Coyotes won a playoff series for the first time ever, because Shane Doan is the world’s nicest man (also, his nickname sounds like one of my favorite foods).

But fun? Not so sure about that. Sure, it’s fun for a little bit. It’s like a roller coaster: the nervous anticipation, your heart pounding, bile rising in your throat as you look ahead, and finally, the relief of diving. But roller coasters last, like, 3 minutes. Game 7 lasts 60, and probably more, because the Capitals, like all hockey teams, only want to punish you for loving them. It’ll be fun right up until one of the teams scores and you become a gibbering nervous wreck, desperate either to keep up or maintain. Frankly, I think Carlson had it right:

It’s a war.

And let’s give ABBA the last word:

(If the embed won’t work, here’s the link.)

It’s a one game series now. Let’s get it done: tomorrow, 7:30, CSN (or NBCSports).

The Capitals decide they want to cut another year or so off my lifespan and drop Game 6. Now we’ll see the Bruins in Boston on Wednesday for a Game 7 that is far too far in the future. I frankly dread seeing Professor Bruins Fan — in fact, the last time I ever see him will be Wednesday afternoon! I’ll never get to see his reaction or experience his taunting! Now I’m depressed all over again.

In a bit of poeticism, Mike Green scored his first goal since October 22 yesterday, which was Earth Day. This is is second goal in the playoffs, but he is also +5. Dear me. And even more surprisingly, so is Roman Hamrlik! I suppose I’ll have to stop hating him, which is fine, because I can easily replace that hate with some for Dennis “-4″ Wideman. Thank God Hunter benched Jeff Schultz. I’d rather have a slightly menacing John Erskine skating around harmlessly. Mike Knuble also got his first playoff goal this weekend, which caused my friend and I no small amount of glee. How come Hunts hasn’t figured out how to use him effectively? Stick him in the crease on the power play and watch the magic happen.

I’m not one to begrudge a rival’s talented play, and I have nothing but adulation for Tyler Seguin’s gorgeous OT winner. Holtby commited to taking away the angle by sneaking up to the edge of the crease, and Seguin simply out-waited him and shot into the gapingly open net. Dennis Wideman (useless paperweight that he is) leapt valiantly in an attempt to block it, but it was too late. So I’ll give Tyler Seguin his propers…

…only to rip them away moments later. From the Puck Daddy article:

You won’t believe me, but when I was going down the wing, the first thing that came to my mind was to pass, and then to shoot it off his head.

That’s really f***ing classy, Mr. Seguin. I know, I shouldn’t expect anything but trashy from someone who has his surname tattooed down his bicep in Gothic characters, but really? Joking about head shots in this NHL climate? You’re lucky Brendan Shanahan doesn’t bench your ass for a game. I find that comment genuinely repulsive. It’s like Boston sports teams are actively trying to make you detest them. Well, you’ve succeeded.
» Continue reading “Capitals-Bruins Going To Game 7″

…and, thanks to Detroit’s elimination at the hands of Nashville, they will then ship back down to DC for the Sunday afternoon game as well.

Today is a great day for hockey fans without much to do, because aside from the Caps-Bruins matinee, there’s FLA-NJD at 6:30, NYR-OTT at 7, STL-SJS at 7:30 (elimination alert!), and PHX-CHI at 10 (elimination alert!). That’s plenty of time to try and party as hard as Tyler Seguin (l) and Brad Marchand can…
» Continue reading “Capitals Ship Up To Boston”

IT’S BEST OF THREE, BABY!!!

The requisite shout-outs to Marcus Johansson and Alex Semin for their lovely goals:
Brooks Laich banks the puck off the glass, trying to clear to Ovechkin, who gets tangled up so Laicher has to take care of it himself, which he does, threading the needle through Brian Rolston to get it to Mojo, who snipes it Semin-style. Speaking of…
GUHH. Semin’s gorgeous PP snipe that whizzed by Thomas’ glove before he could say “Don’t shoot on me!” We should call Semin the DC Sniper. No, wait, we shouldn’t.

But again, the star the of game was Braden effin Holtby. At least THREE of his saves looked exactly like the picture to the right, and each time I shrieked “GLOVELY!” in a way that I’m sure made my neighbor want to call campus police.

And that’s not to mention my reaction when a) Mojo scored, b) Sasha scored, and c) when we actually won.

Jeff Schultz was scratched in favor of John Erskine, in case things got Heated. And it turns out, after a look-see through the box scores, that Shawn Thornton has actually been on the B’s roster this whole series, but the camera didn’t follow him lovingly until this game, when it lasered in on him every time Thornton and Erskine made eye contact.

And, because every cloud has silver lining, Nicklas Bäckström’s replacement was Mike Knuble and his moose-like tenacity in shaking his rear in a goalie’s face. While he wasn’t actively involved in any of the goals, he still looked effective. There were a couple near misses! And I really really want Mike Knuble to be playing. With all my heart. It never hurts to have more of those lunch pail guys.
» Continue reading “Capitals Tie Up Series With Bruins”