Let’s get JUICED!

Seriously, guys, I can’t keep up with who is failing drug tests nowadays.  Melky Cabrera, Bartolo Colon, and, now, Lance Armstrong?  (OK, I’m fully aware of that Lance Armstrong didn’t actually fail a drug test that we’re currently aware of, but just go with it…)

Seems the athletes out there need a primer on how to avoid these drug testing nightmares, and I thought I’d help:

1.  Don’t say you didn’t use performance-enhancing drugs. That just gets you into trouble later. Say “I didn’t fail a drug test” (if that’s actually the case).  Just ask Rafael Palmerio.

2.  If you did actually fail a test, apologize to your fans, but don’t say you won’t do it again.  It just makes you look dumb if you fail another.

3.  Get tested on a day that FedEx doesn’t ship.

» Continue reading “Friday FAIL: Drug Testing 101″

Well, our friend has been A LOT less entertaining lately.  Yes, I’m upset too, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t given us a few great tweets these last few days…and some videos!

Haha.  Sure.

» Continue reading “Canseco Chronicles: Vol. IX – Hittin’ Bombs, Old Timers, & Beer”

BFFs who probably go to lots of pool parties together.

With the “not guilty” verdict on Clemens’ perjury charges earlier this week, a lot of people – on Twitter and everywhere else - began to complain about how much money and time our government has wasted on these so-called steroid witch hunts.

I’m not really sure why people think the governement should be focusing on healthcare, the economy and other things that other people seem to think are more important than baseball and trashy gossip, but to call it a waste of time?!  Just think about what we learned during this trainwreck…

1.  Roger Clemens’ love for blonde women, oh and underage girls.  Mindy McCready (who was FIFTEEN at the time), Paulette Dean Daly, and that random bartender?  Roger, you out did yourself.

Atta boy, Roger...

Which leads me to #2…

2.  That Mindy McCready still exists.  Seriously.  After her break up with Dean Cain (wait you didn’t know she dated Dean Cain? That was only me?), the former country star pretty much fell off the map.  Thankfully, ol’ Roger Clemens and his adulterous/pedophile ways brought this tabloid queen back into our lives.

3.  That, as a society, we don’t use the word “misremember” enough.  In fact, I didn’t even know that it was a word.  Thanks, Roger.

4.  That Clemens’ wife took HGH.  Not really sure why I found this fascinating, but I did.  AND that after all that cheating she would testify that they HGH delivered to their house was only hers AND that Roger wasn’t at that Canseco pool party.  They must have one hell of a prenup…

5.  Guys, we got to talk about that infamous Jose Canseco pool party for a LONG time.  And we all know that I love nothing more than to talk about Jose Canseco.

Clearly, this was NOT a waste of time…

Guys, this could be me and Jose for just $1.50/day!

It’s probably time that we check back in with our favorite Tweeter…

Since we last saw Jose, he was asking for All Star votes (let’s just forget he doesn’t play in the MLB) and pondering running for President or Governor of “New England”.  So what sort of shenanigans has he been up to since?

Deep Thoughts by Jose Canseco.

» Continue reading “The Canseco Chronicles: Vol. VIII – Live And In Color”

Oh yes, you get TWO today!

Since our latest Chronicles, Jose has since become employed…and has started campaigning…

…For the All Star game.

Makes sense since he hasn’t played a full season of professional baseball in quite some time.  But whatevs.

Vote!

Vote because this would seriously piss off Bud Selig and I can’t think of a better reason than that.

But wait, there’s more!

What the what?! » Continue reading “The Canseco Chronicles: Vol. VII – Vote For Jose!”

In this week’s edition, we’re going to discuss my 2 favorite tweets from 2012 thus far…

First this gem, courtesy of this girl’s favorite tweeter, from 2 months ago…

And then Metta World Peace not knowing the difference between Labor Day and Memorial Day…

If there were ever a case to NOT party too hard, it’s this.

I have to ask, kids:

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Could Gaga be the next Mrs. Canseco?

Oh, hey, look what I found!  A Canseco Chronicle from a month ago that I never posted!  A little dated, but who cares, right?

After a brief hiatus from Twitter (and nearly killing this writer), Jose is back and cruder than ever.  Last we saw of Canseco, he was trolling the Twitters for twats, so what has he been up to since?  I’m glad you asked…

I bet it was Al Gore.  I think you pissed off the ghost of the man who intented the Internet.

» Continue reading “The Canseco Chronicles: Vol. VI – A Bad Romance”

What will I do without you?!

I have  terrible news, guys.  It seems Jose Canseco has deleted his Twitter account without even saying goodbye.   I thought we had something.  I demand an explanation, Jose!  I NEED CLOSURE!

» Continue reading “The Canseco Chronicles: The Worst Thing EVER”

Guys, A LOT has happened since our last visit into Jose Canseco’s life.  Let’s catch up!

(WARNING:  Some crude language follows.)

Things started out fairly harmless as he states what all of us have been saying for a while now…

And he gets our hopes up…

Then he rambled on about the Red Sox and Bobby Valentine.  (It’s stupid. I don’t encourage you to read it.) » Continue reading “The Canseco Chronicles: Volume IV”

Clearly, this is all natural...

Since we already have our Friday FAIL for the week, we’ll just place this little nugget here:

“I am very much looking forward to putting on a uniform and competing on a professional level again this year,” Canseco said in a release from the Tornadoes. “I love the game of baseball. I am particularly grateful to the Worcester Tornadoes for embracing me and having the confidence in me to help the team win.”

That’s right.  Jose Canseco has yet another job playing baseball.  I’m sure this will go well.

Now, I could go all day mocking this decision by the Tornadoes instead I’m going to take a poll:

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