And the winner is...

ABC manages to top itself in the “ridiculous” category each and every week it airs Dancing With The Stars. For the grand finale of Season 13, the opening montage couldn’t have been any more dramatic without crossing over from the “reality TV” genre to something competing with any and every episode of Law & Order.

I mean, yeah, it’s the end of the season but like… they get that they are dancing in a ballroom for a trophy that means nothing in the grand scheme of life… right?

Nevertheless, we all endured two hours of programming to find out who will be on the interview and talk show circuit for the next week.

If you think I’m going to just jump to the point and tell you… you’re wrong. Keep reading. » Continue reading “Dancing With The Stars: The Finale!”

Last night, the finalists for the 1,874th season of Dancing With The Stars were announced.

All anyone needs to know about the results show last night is that our beloved Hope Solo went home. Nothing else mattered.

I know I’ve been critical of Hope and the truth is, until Monday night it was a toss up between Rob Kardashian and Hope, but Rob stepped up to the plate where Hope maintained the status quo. I didn’t want to see Hope go because I love her, I really do… I may even start watching soccer now – well until the NBA gets it’s act together at least – but I knew… we all knew it was her before the show even began.

On the plus side, Carson was back yet again! If they know what’s good for TV they’ll have him back next season for random appearances.

Next week, Ricki Lake, J.R. Martinez, and Rob Kardashian battle it out for the mirrorball trophy.

Who ya got?

Image flickr/gwilmore

It’s the semi-finals! It’s the semi-finals!! IT’S THE SEMI-FINALS!!!

Theoretically this means we’re watching the best amateur turned semi-pro dancers. Realistically there was something left to be desired after last night. It could have been that the contestants were forced to learn 3 (three) dances in one week?

But most importantly, as reward for our diligent watching all season long, Dancing With The Stars rewarded us viewers with the Argentine Tango. FINALLY!

Really, that’s the only reason I watch.

Hope Solo & Maks kicked the show off with a Paso Doble that was…

Okay, so all season I’ve been perplexed how Hope could be doing so well at dancing but still manage to look slightly awkward on the dance floor. Every week. Whenever she isn’t completely in-hold it’s like her body and her legs are not one and the same. I think I figured it out though… I think her legs are too long.

Anyway, their Paso was good. It was solid. I give it an A. But it wasn’t completely fluid. So no exclamation points or jazz hands. » Continue reading “Dancing With The Stars: This is Derickilous”

This week’s Dancing With The Stars gimmick was the “Instant Dance”, wherein the contestants must perform a choreographed routine to music they’ve never heard before. Or, I guess they get to listen to it 20 minutes before they hit the stage.

In years past, the “stars” have struggled with this concept because they never learned to count while dancing. Funny how that whole “I’ll just listen to the music” thing catches up with you in the end. Isn’t it?

We are finally down to the top 5 which means that the dances are expected to be good. There shouldn’t be any cringing going on while we watch from home. Please believe I tried my best not to make faces last night. Believe it, even though it didn’t happen. Even if the judges told each and every couple that they performed their best dance to date. Each and every one of them.

The Needs To Go Home Tonight:

Nancy & Tristan -

Listen. I love listening to Tristan talk and was willing to keep these two on the show longer than they needed to be because of that accent. But… the time has come to say goodbye. Their Tango was “dry”. It just felt awkward and I can’t even put into words why it felt that way. Maybe her knees were bent wrong? Or she didn’t “own” her sexy? But it was an improvement over the last few weeks. I’ll give dear Nancy that much.

The So Perfectly Average I’ll Split My Votes Between You:

Rob & Cheryl -

Their Quickstep was all over the place in the beginning but he managed to pull it together by the end. To quote host Tom Bergeron, Rob was, “having the best week of the Kardashians”. I’ll leave it right there.

Hope & Maks -

Visiting Maks’ parents house (although I’m not sure he doesn’t also live there) for dinner was the perfect dose of comedic relief to the show’s video package segments. The heart can only take so much of the professionals getting frustrated with the “stars” for goofing off in rehearsal. Their Quickstep was… better than Rob’s in my opinion, but still not a “wow”.

The Hotdamn That’s What I’m Talkin’ About:

Ricki & Derek -

Watching Ricki Lake Waltz last night was like watching Margot Fonteyn dance. If it were your job to simply watch her feet for technical disparities, you’d have to say her Waltz wasn’t that great. If you were anyone else watching you’d be moved to near tears. That was a performance!

J.R. & Karina -

Standing ovation. So well deserved. Gorgeous. Stunning. Emotional. FIRST PERFECT 30 OF THE SEASON. Also so well deserved. There isn’t anything else to say about their first dance, except… do they really need to compete next week to get into the Finals? Really?

Now about those Instant Jives:

Of Nancy’s, head judge Len Goodman says, “It’s like Cinderella at the ball but it’s midnight and it’s time to go home.” Yep.

Rob looked lost and confused and mostly just stood about watching Cheryl dance. Which is great, except the point is for him to be dancing. But it wasn’t terrible. A for effort?

Ricki Ricki Ricki… I had so much hope for her Jive but once she got out there it was strange. Her feet sorta didn’t move very frequently for her to be saying she’s dancing the Jive.

Hope and Maks turned in a GREAT Jive. And in fact if it hadn’t been for Hope’s hands being completely left out of every move she made it would have been near perfection to watch.

J.R. said his goal was for the instant dance was for people to think “are you sure he didn’t practice to that music all week, ’cause he just KILLED it.” And of his dance, I will say this…

ARE YOU SURE HE DIDN’T PRACTICE TO THAT MUSIC ALL WEEK, ‘CAUSE HE JUST KILLED IT.

No surprise that they got another perfect 30 for their instant dance. I smell a mirrorball in their very near future.

Tune in tonight for the results show where we’ve been promised Andrea Bocelli, Flo-Rida and Michael Jackson. It’s too much.

If you missed Dancing With The Stars last night, you missed one of the best group numbers I’ve ever laid witness to on this show.

You also missed Broadway week with performances from Kristin Chenoweth’s amazeballs voice that she must have had surgically implanted in her, as well as the cast of Sister Act – no, not Whoopie… the Broadway cast. If you want to see Whoopie come over to my house, I have Sister Act on VHS. Bring your VCR.

Just as I was about to give the producers a lecture about not granting dear Carson some sort of stay of execution strictly for his jazz hands and the pure entertainment value he’d bring to Broadway week, he popped up on my screen and was announced as the creative director of the group number! I may or may not have let out an audible yelp. May or may not have. Well played ABC, well played.

But let’s get to the competitive dancing shall we?

The Good:

• J.R. Martinez & Karina – In which Carrie Anne said “Fosse would be proud”. She wasn’t kidding, J.R.’s footwork was incredible. It helps that they were also dancing to music from the best musical ever. Chicago!
• Ricki Lake & Derek – The judges seemed to think they were as amazing as J.R. was, but from the screen at home they were a little out of sync during some portions of their dance, thus, not as amazing. And then Brooke with the hyphenated last names basically called Ricki fat while they waited for their scores. That was a nice touch.
• Nancy Grace & Tristan – This is the first dance of theirs I’ve liked all season. Go Nancy!
• Honorable mention to every team that incorporated choreography from the musical that their music came from into their dance.

The Not Good:

• Hope Solo & Maks – I love Hope. We all love Hope. But we’re amongst friends here right? Right? I’m gonna say this and then we’re never going to bring this up again. It looked like Hope was wandering around the dance floor with an afghan on waiting for the music to stop so she could get back to reading her book while wondering why Maks was dancing about.
• Rob Kardashian & Cheryl – It wasn’t terrible… Rob just didn’t seem to have even half as much energy as Cheryl did. To be quite frank, I’ve seen better from Rob. And is Khloe getting paid by ABC to yell things from the audience each week? Can somebody check the contracts and get back to me? Super annoying.
• David Arquette & Kym- Why is Kym always with the David’s? Other than being confused by the fact that David looked to be performing in the same suit he wore to dinner earlier in the night, which didn’t seem to have anything to do with their dance, I agree with the judges assessment of their performance being “rough around the edges”.
• Honorable mention to Maks for lashing out at the judges for giving Hope a negative review. I happen to agree with him, but that was awkward even for those of us watching from home.

The Bad:

• Chaz Bono & Lacey – I’m gonna need for Lacey not to wear seizure inducing pants in rehearsal anymore. These two are also the only couple who didn’t do a lift in the group dance. That didn’t go unnoticed. On the up side, Chaz’s footwork has gotten better?

Tune in tonight at 9pm for the results show where if the past is any sign of the future Ricki and J.R. will end up in the bottom two and everyone will pretend to be shocked like they didn’t spend all of last nigh voting for Chaz.

There is no reason for this to ever happen again

This week’s Dancing With The Stars only brings one question to mind: Why does everyone want to bring back the 80′s?

The fashion was terrible. Tragic. Shoulder pads? Hammer pants? WHY? Why do we want to relive this? The only great thing to happen in the 80′s was the music. Power ballads will forever rule. There just isn’t any reason to be dressing up like we did back then. Burn any and every pair of acid wash jeans you have. I don’t care why you have them. Pick a new Halloween costume. Stop going to 80′s themed parties. BURN THEM. Burn your neighbor’s while you’re at it. Thank me later.

In this week’s attempt to fill 2 hours of air time for no apparent reason, the judges gave their thoughts on what each contestant can improve to stick around. K, thanks for that, ABC. No really. If they just work on those tiny things they will not be voted off in lieu of Chaz.

That Which Worked:

• Derek & Ricki stole the show. Even though they weren’t completely syncopated. And even if the judges scores wouldn’t let them shine bright.
• Carson’s ridiculousness. Better and better each week! More please!!

That Which Did Not Work:

• Hope & Maks… I want them to be great. I don’t know why they are only better than average this week. Maybe it was her dress? They were my overall pick to win, but they might be Livin’ On A Prayer after this week though
•  Nancy Grace = yawn.
• Carson’s Jive was a hot damn mess.

But dare I say, Chaz might be improving? Maybe like a tenth of a percent, but it’s still improvement. Anyway, that’s no excuse for him to still be on this show. Chaz Bono has more fans than Kristin Cavallari? I’d sooner believe in unicorns.

I hope I’m not forced to unmount my TV from the wall tomorrow night and throw it out of the window. America don’t fail me with your votes. Otherwise, the rest of the recaps from here on out are going to be from my imagination.

In the realm of the sports world, I find myself at times completely enamored with the abilities these athletes possess. Their skills on the field/diamond/rink/court hold so much of my attention that sometimes I’m not able to even focus on the people.

However, there are those times that the people themselves grab my attention.

On certain occasions, it’s both. Enter Hope Solo.

Hope Solo, goalie for the USWNT

I’ll be honest, I’m not a huge soccer fan, but I can fully and completely appreciate and respect the level of skill this game requires. It’s been said that the position of soccer goalie is one of the hardest roles an athlete can play. Seeing how big that goal is compared to a goal on, say, a hockey rink, I can’t say that I’m surprised.

That skill makes Solo that much more attractive.

Well, and she’s incredibly easy on the eyes.

Damn.

Ann Warner is the Senior St Louis Blues reporter at You’re My Boys, Blues. You can follow her on Twitter @annabelle151. She fully appreciates sexy regardless of gender.

If you read our recap of Dancing with the Stars Monday night, you know that Cher broke out in tears in the audience watching her son, Chaz Bono, deliver a monster comeback with his Paso Doble to the Rocky theme. Previously on the verge of elimination, Chaz scored straight 7s this week, his best performance so far.

I was busting out the waterworks Monday night, too — not at Chaz’s performance, but rather at the Bears’ offensive line during Monday Night Football. 

And even though his ex-fiance, Kristin Cavallari, was voted off last week, I’m pretty sure Bears QB Jay Cutler wishes he was in the audience again, instead of running away from Lions’ defensive line all night. Heck, even I wish I’d been doing anything but taking another sip every time the Bears committed a false start.

But I digress …

» Continue reading “Dancing with the Stars Week 4: Who Held On For One More Day?”

It’s only Week 3 and Dancing With The Stars is already pulling out the punches like it’s May Sweeps.

They forced the contestants to pick songs from a year that meant the most to them, and then made them explain it while holding back tears in a video package for viewers at home and in the audience.

My DVR gave Rob Kardashian a thumbs down on its own (read: it didn’t bother recording his performance or any of the rest of the 15-minute intro to the show), and I shall take that as a sign that he wasn’t very good. I could be wrong, but why argue with technology?

For a short while last night, it looked like head judge Len was going to turn into the Paula Abdul and just start applauding everyone, luckily he straightened up his act and got back to criticizing amateur arm and leg extensions in “professional” ballroom dancing.

So onto the surprises of the evening:

• Kristin Cavallari – I never wanted to be on team Kristin, because I never want to be on team “anybody from a reality show” for reasons I can’t really explain, buuuuuuut girlfriend did a pretty good Beyonce last night.

• Chaz Bono – WHAT? He’s not a good dancer. The end. But if people are going to sympathy vote him through to the finals a la Bristol Palin then I guess …

• I also didn’t want to love Ricki Lake, because where has she even been since I was in middle school? But, that Derek knows how to make anyone look good. He’s like the Phil Jackson of ballroom dancing!

You know you cried during J.R. Martinez’s performance. Don’t deny it.

You know you took a nap during Nancy Grace’s dane. Don’t deny that either.

Stand Out Performance of the Night goes to (drum roll please):

Hope Solo!

OK, she could use a little less “I play soccer and I’m gonna play soccer while I dance cause I’m not a sissy girl,” but last night she was smokin’! Is she single? I’m asking for a friend.

Sidenotes:

• Julianne returns next week! Not like, for real or anything, but to do more awkward-because-we’re-siblings-dances with Derek. Don’t get me wrong, the two of them dance beautifully together, it’s just … they should likely stay away from situations like “The Rumba.”

• When this is all said and done, I hope there is someone at ABC who is working on giving Carson Kressley his own reality show entitled, “Carson Tries Everything: Hilarity Ensues.”

So, tune in tonight to see if America voted based on dance talent or based on the heart strings ABC pulled with their touching songs gimmick.

Never in my lifetime would I think I’d say this, but thank goodness for Dancing with the Stars.

I was in the middle of reliving one of the worst moments in Chicago Cubs history, watching the ESPN’s documentary Catching Hell, about Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS between the Cubs and the Marlins, when I realized — it’s 9:00! I can switch to some fluff and stop torturing myself! Julie DiCaro did suffer through it and lived to tell about it on LOHO, if you’d like to read her take.

Now let’s cut to the chase, shall we?

No nipples were exposed tonight, but Nancy Grace and her voluptuousness will return for another week, so if you’re in it for the porn, you should be happy.

We had to wait until about 9:52 to find out, but our beloved goalkeeper, Hope Solo, will return next week. Phew!

Like the judges, I believe her rusty performance last night was due to not being able to practice for the the full week, and I didn’t really believe she would be in jeopardy of being eliminated. She also had the poor luck of performing first, and by the time contestants like Carson Kressley and Chaz Bono took the the stage, the judges were much softer with their ratings.

I came into the night thinking that either Carson or Chaz would definitely be out. After all, neither can really dance. But the LGBT fanbase has power. Carson was the first star revealed to be safe, while Chaz and his partner had to wait until nearly the end, just barely escaping the basement of the final two. Yes, SHOCKING!

In the end, it came down to David Arquette against Elisabetta Calanis (who, if you read my recap of yesterday, you know is my faaaaavorite).

And the loser is …

» Continue reading “DWTS Recap: No Nudity Was Involved in the Making of This Episode”