While 16 playoff teams have been battling it out to get the honor of hoisting the Stanley Cup for the past two weeks, there are 14 teams that weren’t so lucky this year. This post is a tribute to those hotties who have been working on their golf swings and tans instead of their slap shots.
First up is the Calgary Flames. Now, as we should all know, the hottest man on the Flames would be their captain, Jarome Iginla… but he’s already been featured in his own Monday Morning Motivation.
So who do we have left on the Flames? Uh… hm. Well, I… oh, wait, this guy:
Mike Cammalleri was unceremoniously dumped by his previous team, the Montreal Canadiens, one day after calling out their “losing mentality” (and his lack of ice time). They shipped him back to the Flames during a game for Rene Bourque, some other dude, and a draft pick. So, really, I have to pick him for this, if only out of pity.
Then there’s the Dallas Stars, a team full of rabble-rousers and jerks (and that’s not even including Steve Ott, who’s his own special brand of pest), but there is one person on that team who manages to rise above the fray – Loui Eriksson. His perpetually high points total is always matched by his perpetually low PIM, which would make Lady Byng swoon — and that’s even before we get to his cheekbones.
Next up is the Buffalo Sabres, a team that many had as a playoff favorite in the preseason that failed to live up to the hype. I also know the least about this team, so I’m going by pictures on this one. Marcus Foligno looks good as long as he doesn’t smile, so I’m going with him. (Wow, that was the shallowest sentence I’ve ever written, but whatever.)
Then there’s the Colorado Avalanche. And I feel like the next choice will put me on some government lists, but… Calder finalist Gabriel Landeskog, you guys. How am I supposed to pick anyone else? I know he’s 19, and that’s just wrong, but… look at him!
Then there’s the Tampa Bay Lightning, and my choice will always be Ryan Malone… but again, he’s already had his own Monday Morning Motivation. So who else can we pick?
How about captain Vincent Lecavlier? That good enough for ya?
The Winnipeg Jets 2.0 moved from Atlanta in the offseason and played about as well as the Atlanta Thrashers did — which is why they’re out of the playoffs this year. And while I’m tempted to pick Andrew Ladd for this based on his history with the Blackhawks and his always solid play, my hormones went with Blake Wheeler, instead.
The Carolina Hurricanes have a Staal as their captain, but weirdly enough, he’s not the most attractive player on their team. No, that honor would go to former Blackhawks forward Tuomo Ruutu.
Oh, Minnesota Wild. They were first in the league in November, only to end up out of the playoffs. (Regression is real, and it’s a jerkface.) This pick might surprise people, but Cal Clutterbuck is an undercover attractive man. Because, while we’re used to seeing him like, say, this:
Once you shave down the ridiculous facial hair and wash out whatever the hell he’s doing to his hair, there, though, he looks more like this:
I know that Toronto Maple Leafs fans probably aren’t happy about being mentioned in this post, but I’m happy because it gives me an excuse to look at John-Michael Liles.
Then we have the New York Islanders. And while most Islanders fans would probably want him (and his ridiculous contract — thanks, Mike Milbury) off of their team, you can’t deny that Rick Dipietro is an attractive man.
The Montreal Canadiens were unexpectedly terrible this year, but at least Carey Price made the all-star team. How can I not be attracted to a man who knows how to use a lasso?
The Edmonton Oilers are the biggest bunch of derps in the entire NHL. I base this entirely on the fact that none of them can take a halfway normal roster photo. Roster photos are usually terrible, but theirs are especially bad. That being said, I’m picking Linus Omark for their representative on this list, because I’m not a 16-year-old girl, and therefore can’t find Jordan Eberle or
Neighlor Taylor Hall even the least bit attractive.
And, finally, we have the lowly Columbus Blue Jackets, who were so terrible this year that I couldn’t even make fun of them by the end of the season. While everyone knows that Rick Nash is the only person who matters on this team, I’m going to have to go with Jack Johnson, if only because he was traded from the Kings to, well, Columbus.