(Photo courtesy of Deadspin.com)

I’ll freely admit that I have no idea who Patrick Kane is (OK, I’ve heard of him due to Kat Velez’s – AKA: @runsonduncan – constant mockery of him on Twitter).  I don’t follow hockey.   That won’t, however, keep me from mocking him for being a complete train wreck.  It’s what I do.

Much of what I’m about to recount is from Deadspin.com, and it’s not pretty.  Evidently, Mr. Kane (who is only 23…not that it’s an excuse just useful to know) decided to make all white people look bad by getting seriously intoxicated on Cinco de Mayo.  Like REALLY drunk.

Mr. Kane and his posse evidently decided that Madison, WI was the place to be for their debauchery.  Several people wrote into Deadspin.com to tell there stories on what happened that weekend.  A few snippets on Friday:

“I then went out to dinner about 2 blocks away, and when I was walking out, I saw Kane, completely wasted, being dragged back to his hotel by two bros. It was roughly 9:45 pm. Basically, Kane was a drunken shitshow all weekend.”

“Kane came in at around 9:30 pm and he could barely stand. He got kicked out about 2 hours later for being blackout drunk and generally being the biggest asshole in the bar.”

OK.  So the kid drank A LOT, acted like an asshole and passed out early.  That’s kind of what 23 year old pro athletes do.  Then we have Saturday (I guess he was saving the real show for Cinco de Mayo):

“The party at Kappa Sig got kicked off around 8am. My friend (coincidentally the largest Kane fan) noticed him from across the back patio and ran over to talk to him etc. I had no clue who he was at the time, and have never seen my friend jersey chase.”

Drinking at 8am.  ALWAYS a good idea…

What kid wouldn't want to grow up to be this?

“Kaner was pulling down girls sun glasses and then going “ehhh, not good enough ” just straight being a douche right to their faces. Pretty strong move if you can pull it off.”

Did any of these girls slap him?  Or at least spill their beer on him?  It’s probably best I wasn’t at this party.

“According to one friend he was ‘ridiculous’ and was just ‘pulling random girls to him’ and making out with them.”

So romantic…

“Kane got kicked out of the Kappa Sig party I was at for trying to choke a girl. It took 10 of us to push him and two of his buddies out of the house. He hung around outside and then disappeared into Kappa Kappa Gamma with some hot sorority girls. He was very very drunk. Also, he drinks beer like a girl. He moves his whole arm up to his mouth and sips it.”

Time out.  I didn’t know you could “drink beer like a girl”.  What?  I don’t understand that statement.

“I was at the frat party Pat Kane attended on Saturday afternoon. First off, he wasn’t even supposed to be there, he had been hooking up with the frat president’s girlfriend, a junior, over the past year, and had even gone so far as to jet her around the country. Despite this, he showed up anyway and proceeded to get blackout drunk. Later, he relentlessly began hitting on a girl who wanted nothing to do with him—his response to this denial, attempt to choke her, which is what ultimately got him booted.”

PATRICK KANE IS SO CLASSY!  Sleeping with another guy’s girl and attempting to choke a girl because she wasn’t amused by his charms.  Just wow.  Where can I find me one?

“He got the boot from Kappa Sig for choking this girl and then ppl jumped on him and his boys and kicked his ass out. Not that choking is ok, but if i was 23 and had that contract ….”

Oh, classy Deadspin reader, stop trying to woo me…

(I’d be tempted to write off the choking part, but there are at least 8 accounts, so I’m thinking it’s true.)

AND THAT WAS JUST SATURDAY MORNING!

“Later in the day around 5:30 pm he got in a confrontation with a group of guys over a some supposed anti-Semitic comments he made towards one of the other guys. I was working at the door and they were talking to each other in front of me and across the street. I couldn’t really hear what was being said but it looked like a fight was going to break out but the cops showed up and threatened to arrest Kane and then he walked away.”

It’s not a proper train wreck until the anti-Semitic comments come out!

“After the police intervened, they were very serious about wanting to arrest Kaner. Fortunately for him, the other party in the quarrel was being equally as abusive to the cops. It turned into much more of a “everyone just get out of here” thing instead of anything more substantial. I promise you one thing, Patrick did have tears in his eyes. I wouldn’t equate it to a full out sob, but it was absolutely in the whimper/misty category.”

Of course he cried.  That’s what grown-ups do.

And somehow, Kaner managed to remain upright until close to midnight…

“I was also at the Kollege Klub on Saturday night. I don’t know much, but I did see Kaner dragged out by two of his bros before midnight.”

That whole story made my liver hurt.

Honorable Mention:  Ilya Bryzgalov for THIS…

…Oh, and Twitter bullies.