Never in my lifetime would I think I’d say this, but thank goodness for Dancing with the Stars.

I was in the middle of reliving one of the worst moments in Chicago Cubs history, watching the ESPN’s documentary Catching Hell, about Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS between the Cubs and the Marlins, when I realized — it’s 9:00! I can switch to some fluff and stop torturing myself! Julie DiCaro did suffer through it and lived to tell about it on LOHO, if you’d like to read her take.

Now let’s cut to the chase, shall we?

No nipples were exposed tonight, but Nancy Grace and her voluptuousness will return for another week, so if you’re in it for the porn, you should be happy.

We had to wait until about 9:52 to find out, but our beloved goalkeeper, Hope Solo, will return next week. Phew!

Like the judges, I believe her rusty performance last night was due to not being able to practice for the the full week, and I didn’t really believe she would be in jeopardy of being eliminated. She also had the poor luck of performing first, and by the time contestants like Carson Kressley and Chaz Bono took the the stage, the judges were much softer with their ratings.

I came into the night thinking that either Carson or Chaz would definitely be out. After all, neither can really dance. But the LGBT fanbase has power. Carson was the first star revealed to be safe, while Chaz and his partner had to wait until nearly the end, just barely escaping the basement of the final two. Yes, SHOCKING!

In the end, it came down to David Arquette against Elisabetta Calanis (who, if you read my recap of yesterday, you know is my faaaaavorite).

And the loser is …

Elisabetta Canalis!

The judges seemed to think she improved this week after her train wreck in Week 1, but I think the videos of her practice this week, where she argued with partner Valentin Chmerkovskiy and displayed an all-out bitchy attitude, turned the audience off. At least, it turned me off.

We’ll definitely miss Elisabetta but will be eagerly awaiting who crashes and burns next week. Until then, remember, VOTE #MAKSOLO!