(I just read this article from the HuffPost that goes through Ryan Lochte’s thoughts on dating and women in general. Naturally, I decided to make up my own interview with Ryan Lochte using his quotes…often out of context.)
THESE ARE ACTUAL RYAN LOCHTE QUOTES…
Me: So, Ryan, can I call you Ryan? I’m happy you could take some time out of your busy schedule to chat a bit about your personal life. So, is there a girl friend we should know about. Oh, your mom has something to say?
RyLo’s Mom: “He goes out on one-night stands. He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go.”
Me: Umm…Ok. Noted? That’s a weird thing for you to know. Well, uh if you weren’t so busy what would you look for in a partner?
RyLo: ”Is there decent girl out there who doesn’t lie? They all lie. They’re all evil. I just want to meet someone who is real, who is honest … who wants to love me as a person.”
Me: Well, that’s a bit harsh. I’m sure there are plenty of girls out there who aren’t…”evil”.
RyLo: ”I know. And they all say the same thing. ‘I don’t lie. I don’t play games. I’m a good person. You can trust me.’ I’ve heard that all before.”
RyLo: “It’s impossible to know what they’re thinking. If I could have one superpower, I’d be like Mel Gibson in What Women Want, where he reads women’s minds.”
Me: A card-carrying member of the “He Man Woman Hating Club”, I see. Advice: You don’t want to be like Mel Gibson every. So, when you aren’t hatin’ on the women, what’s your game? Do you have a wingman?
RyLo: ”[I] make eye contact. Some guys keep staring, but I’ll give a wink and come back later, because it keeps her thinking.”
Me: Ahh, the stare down and wink. Not at all creepy. It’s a good thing you are good looking. Tip: Flash some ab. So now that you’ve hooked this potential one-night stand, what attire would be preferred?
RyLo: “One of my long-sleeve button-down shirts and that’s all. The second sexiest thing: white jeans.”
Me: Well that doesn’t seem like bar appropriate…oh, I get it… Well, that’s all I have for today. Anything you’d like to add?
RyLo: ”Swimming doesn’t define who I am. It’s just something that I do. Yeah, I’m an Olympic athlete, but I love skateboarding. I love playing basketball, surfing, doing something that I could probably get myself hurt. That is me. That is who I am. And I won’t let swimming take that away and take over my life.”
Me: Swimming: The best excuse to give your mom on why you’re a man-whore.
PS…It’s probably good that I didn’t actually interview Ryan as I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face after watching this travesty…