Recently, Funny or Die posted a hilarious 3 minute spoof of the movie “Field of Dreams” with an NFL lockout twist. An Iowa corn farmer (Taylor Lautner) builds a football field and the ghosts of lockout players appear.
“If you build it, they will come…”
Just as Ray Kinsella built his baseball diamond, Taylor Lautner’s character followed the voice and built the make shift football field. He didn’t know why he was doing it and what would happen once it was finished – he just built it. He built it and the players came.
The owners and players sides have been in marathon negotiating sessions over the past couple of weeks. It seems the fire was finally lit under their arses, doesn’t it? Apparently fans’ ranting and raving for the last four months wasn’t enough to fuel their sense of urgency. But as we can see, nothing speaks louder than the possibility of forfeiting hundreds of millions of dollars. That’s what finally spoke to them – the sound of (losing) money.
“We still have a lot of work to do,” said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith after a long day of meetings.
We’re not privy to the exact details of their talks but we get calculated leaks from an “a person with knowledge of the situation” despite a gag order. There’s certainly a part of me that wishes we could know all the details but at this point, and I’m sure I speak for many, we just want the deal to get done.
Up until now I’ve expressed anger, despair, frustration, denial, ambivalence, and a slew of other emotions not fit to elaborate here. Maybe it’s time I showed some faith and optimism. Â It’s finally time for me to write about it in a positive light. Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe once I do, this lockout will finally come to an end and we’ll have football again.
Okay, here I go. Happy thoughts… Positive thoughts…
I am certain this deal will get done in time to save the entire preseason and all 16 games of the regular season. Both sides will realize the error of their ways, make nice, and try and do what’s best for the other side.
I envision Roger and DeMaurice will not only have a cordial lunch together at their local NYC hangout but they’ll share a tender moment sipping bubble tea during a $30 mani-pedi special in Chinatown. After that they’ll be shopping at Barney’s for matching boxer briefs and fedoras. And to top off the BFF makeover day, they’ll head on over to a photo shoot as they will be co-winners of Time Magazine Man of the Year award for saving the 2011 NFL season.
Across town, I’m confident you’ll find the Big Three sitting at a table enjoying their own lunch – Drew, Tom, and Peyton. Drew will be on the phone profusely apologizing to Carl and Franco. While Tom is trying to show Peyton some moves he learned at Carnivale. But wait, I see Peyton in a neck brace. He shoos Tom away telling him he can’t draw any attention to himself.
“Gotta lay low, Tommy. And I can’t talk about the lockout. It’s bad for the Manning brand and for my new show, ‘Football Cops.’ By the way, Tommy. You should really consider getting a hair cut. The Geico caveman is so four seasons ago. Here’s my hair stylist’s business card. Just ask him for the PeyPey – short cut that shows off your forehead.”
I’m sure Uptown all the lawyers are breaking out the Cristal and congratulating themselves about how they were able to fool both sides into dragging out this lockout as long as they did.
“Great job, Jeff.” ”No, you were great, Jeff.” ”Cha-ching!” says Jeff. ”What do you mean, cha-ching? I only made $1!” says Jeff. ”Oops. Sorry, I forgot about that, Jeff.”
Most definitely, over in Synderville, Dan, Robert, and Jerry are tickled giddy over how they stuck it again to Mike and Ralph. But unlike Jerryworld, they’ll actually have seats to sit in that have passed safety inspections.
Then Dan decides he wants to give Donovan and Albert another chance on top of signing Nnamdi and the triplets, Randy, Terrell, and Chad.
And the scribes… I can’t forget about how tirelessly they covered every passing moment for us football fans: When both parties came and went. What they were wearing and even what food was being delivered for supper. Some went beyond the call of duty.
I’m positive Albert Breer will not want to stake out another dirty city sidewalk or sit in a green fluorescent camping chair if he can help it.
There, do you think that was enough sunshine and good vibes to tip the scale to getting this CBA done? I sure hope so because that’s about all I’ve got. I’ve written it. Now they have to get it done.
I leave you with this final thought.
“Retired” Brett: Is this heaven?
Me: No, it’s a signed CBA.