When you are a fan of a sports team do you think you HAVE to like everyone? Is it like kindergarten when everyone expects you to share and play nice regardless of how you feel about some people? I love the Astros. Win or lose, they’ll forever be my team. And I adore most of the guys on the team, but I can’t make myself like Bill Hall. Sorry, Billy, but it’s true. Even at  a game as soon as Hall comes up to the plate, my dislike is well known enough that my mother will turn to me, roll her eyes and say, “Here’s your favorite guy.” She thinks she’s funny. I won’t tell you what I think because it’s likely that my mom or my dad is going to read this and I’d like my dad to keep buying my beer at the games. Hey – I have priorities!

I’m trying to be a big person. I even thought about what Christine Coleman, the writer of Aaron Miles’ Fastball – the Aerys Sports home of the St. Louis Cardinals did. She started a fan club for Ryan Theriot of all people. She managed to find a way to look beyond the errors and other unsavoriness and cheer for him. Chris is a bigger person than me. I just can’t do it. I can’t find a way to like Bill Hall.

But my mother raised me to be a polite Southern Girl and use my words and find a way to talk things out, so I figured that maybe if I shared my thoughts with Billy then he’d be willing to start to change a little or explain himself to me. So here goes…

Dear Bill Hall,

I really want to like you. I do. But I’m going to need some help from you. There are few things so far this season that I take issue with and would like to discuss. After you read this, call me and I’d be happy to buy you a drink or dinner or whatever so you and I can have a chat about it all. So here are my issues -

#1 – When’s the $3 million playing going to begin? I thought you were going to come to Houston and show these boys how to hit hard and big. I thought you were a bit of a power hitter. I thought….wrong. Last year with the Red Sox you managed to hit .247. And way back in 2006 you managed a season with the Brewers where you hit .270 including 35 home runs. Can we have that player? So far this season you’ve come up to the plate 111 times. 40 of those times, you struck out. In fact, Bill, you are tied for 4th for strike outs in the NL. Oh, and you’ve only hit 1 home run. At this rate you may hit 5 all season. You haven’t put up that small of a number since 2003. So what is it, Bill? Did you already peak? No, you say? Then please start proving it!

#2 – Let’s talk about the mouthguard that is constantly hanging out of your mouth or being chewed on by you. What exactly is it protecting like that? You know we have El Grande now at Minute Maid Park and I don’t particularly care to see that chewed up nasty piece of plastic that big and in HD. Did you secretly want to be a football player? Maybe that’s it. But still, you’re a professional athlete, just a different kind. Please put it in your mouth or in your pocket. Thank you.

#3 – Finally, the temper. It seems that you not playing well equates with little temper tantrums at the plate. The muttering under your breath, footstomping and general bad attitude doesn’t look good on you. You’ve already been tossed by a home plate umpire once this season, whether justified or not, so perhaps you could reign it in. I know it’s got to be hard to be thinking you’re on the downhill side of your career at just 31 years old, but it’s not attractive. And trust me, the temper won’t get your single self any love off the field either. Perhaps I could recommend a therapist.

So you see, Billy, my list is not long. I don’t expect perfection, but if you could begin comtemplating how to make some changes, that’d go a long way to helping me like you. Oh, and if we’re prioritizing…start with #2. Thanks, Billy!

Not Love Yet, Me

Terri Schlather (AGirlintheSouth) is the Senior Houston Astros Reporter for Aerys Sports. You can read her Astros blog at www.talesfromthejuicebox.com, email her at agirlinthesouth@gmail.com, or follow her on twitter @agirlinthesouth.