I don’t know if you’ve heard, but this little movie about a boy wizard is about to be released. You’ve probably never heard of it.

Since I have Harry Potter on the brain, I should do the only logical thing: I need to sort a few Steelers into the Houses at Hogwarts. If you are not familiar with the books/movies, students at the magical boarding school are sorted into one of four Houses: Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff. Each House values specific characteristics and students are typically sorted based on these characteristics.

Hines rocking his awesome Gryffindor scarf.

Hines Ward – Gryffindor

Gryffindors are brave, courageous, and vocal leaders. There are many vocal players on this team, but Hines is a true leader. There is also a certain amount of bravery and courage to go on a nationally televised dancing competition. Especially when it requires wearing sparkly costumes week in and week out. Granted, Gryffindors aren’t always known for making wise decisions, so I wouldn’t kick him out of Gryffindor just because of his recent brush with the law.

Ben Roethlisberger – Slytherin.

Look at that awesome Slytherin tie.

Ben isn’t a Slytherin because that’s the House of the “bad guys.” Ben is a Slytherin because of his ambition, determination, and cunning, all characteristics of a true Slytherin. How many times have we seen Ben throw off a linebacker, avoid a potential sack, and find a way to get a first down? Those characteristics make him a Slytherin.

Troy Polamalu – Ravenclaw

NERD.

Ravenclaws place an importance on intelligence. Troy adds a certain amount of strategy to the game. Other teams must account for him at all times. Why? He’s always one step ahead of everyone else. Everyone is playing football, but Troy is playing a game of chess. Not to mention he recently graduated from USC, so he certainly places an importance on education. Nerd.

Heath Miller – Hufflepuff

Black and yellow.

Hufflepuffs are marked by their hard work, loyalty, and dedication. They are often overlooked. Heath is one of the top tight ends in the game, but he’s usually overlooked in that regard. He doesn’t play for stats. He’s a superb blocker. He’s dependable as a receiver. But he’s soft-spoken and (thankfully) doesn’t make headlines off the field. He’s a leader through his hard work and actions. A true Hufflepuff in my book.

So let me just put on my sorting hat, and sort just a few of the other members of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Gryffindor

• Ryan Clark
• James Farrior

Slytherin

• James Harrison
• Maurkice Pouncey
• LaMarr Woodley

Ravenclaw

• Rashard Mendenhall
• Mike Wallace

Hufflepuff

• Charlie Batch
• Matt Spaeth
• Brett Keisel
• Aaron Smith