OH MY GOD SHUT UP!

Out of all of the people on the YES Network, the one I miss the least this offseason is Michael Kay. I think March through October is more than enough time to deal with him and his schtick. He is just getting to be too much for me.

This past season he started saying, “You can put it on the left side!” after every win and I wanted to put something through his face – namely my fist – every time he uttered it. And I believe he may have stolen it from one the Mets broadcasters (I’m too lazy to look up which one). I was sick of it by May. Most people were.

Another thing people were sick of this season? Kay’s marriage. If I had a dollar for every mention of Kay’s wedding or his wife or anything pertaining to his marriage this season, I’d have at least $1000. And I understand that he’s excited that he finally got married at the age of 50 to a pretty good looking woman (I’m sure I will be just as excited when I finally get married at 75) but for the love of God Michael, enough.

I thought I was the only one who felt this way because I’m bitter and single and the mention of marriage makes me want to tear my hair out but it wasn’t just me! Other people, even married people, had enough of Kay’s marriage by the second week of the season.

And while I’m on the subject of Mr. Kay, he repeats the same cliches – or Kayches as some people call them – so much that everyone watching the games knows when he’s going to say them. It’s like we’re all watching a movie we’ve seen lot of times and we’re reciting the lines along with the actors.

I am actually happy and relieved when Kay doesn’t make certain road trips. Especially if it means that Ken Singleton will be paired up with either Bob Lorenz, David Cone and/or Al Leiter. I always enjoy Ken Singleton on YES. I especially love his, “LOOK OUT!” whenever someone is either hit with a pitch or buzzed inside. I like his stories about the game and he seems to know when to shut up and let a moment speak for itself, unlike Kay who just goes on and on.

The former baseball players that YES has hired – for the most part – are so much better at actually calling the game than Kay. Kay will sometimes say something so asinine that it renders the other guys speechless for a good seven seconds. I’d kill to have a camera on Ken Singleton’s face when Kay says something stupid because you just know he’s sitting there thinking, “Is he shitting me?”

And it’s not like Michael Kay is new to baseball, he’s been covering the Yankees since I was in grade school. So when he says certain things even I am stunned. Though, nothing comes close to the rant he went on during a game a few years ago about how Frank Thomas was not a Hall of Famer. I know Singleton was sitting there with his mouth open in shock. He had to have been. Everyone at home watching on TV was.

Oh wait, there was the time against Anaheim in 2005 or 2006 (maybe?) when he went on and on about Juan Rivera stealing Derek Jeter’s glove. That was classic because oops, Juan Rivera didn’t steal Jeter’s stuff when he was on the Yankees, it was Ruben Rivera. Kay went on about it for a whole half inning. When they came back from commercial he finally corrected himself. Why his producers didn’t stop him mid-rant I don’t know but man was that hilarious.

Now on to the two former players who aren’t that great: Paul O’Neill and John Flaherty.

As much as I want to love Paul O’Neill in the broadcast booth, I just don’t. I’ll admit that he does provide some comic relief from time to time when he make digs at Kay or when he discusses his food intake for the day but lots of times he also says stuff regarding the game that makes you scratch your head.

John Flaherty is just plain boring most of the time. I think it’s his voice. He is so monotone and he sounds bored which makes the viewers at home bored as well. The only times Flaherty is not boring is when he is dissing Kay.

Hmmm, I’m sensing a pattern here. The more you diss Michael Kay, the better you are. There are times when Kay and Flaherty get so snippy with each other you’d think a brawl was going to break out in the broadcasting both. Now, I’d pay to see that!

Al Leiter also likes to poke fun at Kay on the air. I like his pitching insight when he does games and on a shallow note, he’s not that bad to look at. It’s definitely better than staring at Kay’s ginormous, hot air filled noggin.

Another former Yankee pitcher made his triumphant return to the booth this past season; my man, David Cone. I really enjoyed Coney in the booth this season. I love that he is embracing the SABR side of baseball and that he drops his knowledge on the viewing public. I think that’s pretty cool. And Cone gets so into it too. He’s like a little kid who just read a book and wants to show his parents what he learned from it. It’s hilarious and very endearing.

I enjoy Bob Lorenz on the both the postgame show and when he’s in the booth (usually during a Kay vacation week). He’s not too serious and he also knows what he’s talking about. Jack Curry is also good when he’s in the booth. He’s excellent during the post game show as well. So insightful and so good at his job. He’s been a joy to watch on YES.

Yeah, Michael Kay is really the only one I could do without…

But you know what? I just realized something. At least Yankee fans are not subjected to the likes of Hawk Harrelson, the White Sox broadcaster who calls the other team “the bad guys” and who tries to will home run balls over the wall with his voice. Oh and he also says “we” when talking about the White Sox, like he’s on the team. He’s a total homer.

I would hate to have someone like that broadcasting games. It’s why I don’t listen to the radio. John Sterling is too “rah rah” Yankees. And to his credit, Michael Kay isn’t a total homer. Actually, there are times when he sounds a little too happy when the other team scores a run.

See? I said something nice about Kay! He’s not a homer. There. Happy?

So in conclusion, Michael Kay just needs to stop talking so much, stop repeating the same stupid stuff, and he needs to act like he actually knows about the game he’s covering because I really don’t want to have to punch my own face.