We are almost there, kids. We have almost made it through two-week long national “Aren’t Eli and Tom the best?” fest. We have had to endure pronouncements that the younger Manning may, perhaps, be better than big brother Peyton. That he is indeed elite. All sorts of proclamations of the Giants’ collective awesomeness. It’s been unbearable.
As for the national Patriots lovefest, in some ways it’s easier to handle. It’s nothing terribly new. Yes, Tom Brady is good–maddeningly so. Bill Belichick is an evil genius. Well aware of it. But it’s not like I can root for them.
The team that plunged Philadelphia into the depths of despair after defeating us in 2005 in Super Bowl XXXIX? Oh hell naw. Such a glorious time of happiness and hope in this city the last 2 weeks of January 2005 were, and then…here we sit, seven years later, still without a championship. Sigh.
I despise both the Giants and the Patriots. I don’t want a victor. I want a sinkhole.
It’s the perfect solution, really. Players and coaching staff for the Patriots and Giants would be the only ones injured. No fans. We all win. Gisele will just have to send another kind of email asking for prayers of a different kind from family and friends.
Some have asked, if I truly feel this tortured by this Super Bowl, why put myself through it?
Because I must. It is football, after all. And it’s the last football for many long, torturous months. I, unlike many football fans, have the Madonna halftime show to look forward to (on top of my many other reasons of bitterness, I am mad at this Super Bowl for ruining what should be the perfect marriage of football and my most favoritest pop star of all time). But after that, depression at the fact that someone must win will set in.
Or, the sinkhole will open up.
So what are some ways to survive the home stretch, you ask? Here are some suggestions:
1. Focus on as many non-football related Super Bowl events as you can. Like the Puppy Bowl. Puppies make everything better.
2. Do the opposite of what you do for most shows. Mute the game, watch the commercials. Even the least likeable teams shouldn’t take away from what the Super Bowl is truly about–buying stuff. We’ve seen the preview of the VW one featuring dogs barking the Star Wars theme. Let’s hope the rest of the commercials will be of the same caliber to alleviate our suffering.
3. Make fun of Eli. This part is a given. Eagles fans are a witty bunch and I can already hear the Eli jokes that are to come. Yes, Peyton has his moments, but no one does Manning Face quite like Eli.
4. Listen to other witty, bitter fans. The hilarious guys at The Voice of the Fan will be doing a live show during the Super Bowl. They hate Eli. They hate the Giants. They hate the Patriots. They hate Chris Collinsworth. So turn down the TV and turn up their sardonic remarks as they try to release the pain through laughter. You can check them out by visiting The Voice of the Fan’s website here. Coverage begins on Sunday at 6 pm.
Call it brotherly love. Our shared bitterness and hatred for both teams WILL get us through this.