The Mariners are about to enter into a crucial off-season in which the front office has made clear that it will be active. There will be moves made to improve this team for 2013 and beyond, whether it be solely through free agency or with the acquisition of players via trade. One question, however, has been eating at me these past few days. If the 2012 Mariners were foods, which would they be?
John Jaso – Pumpkin. Pumpkin is probably one of my favorite flavors but, because the higher-ups in the world have decided that it doesn’t match up well with the other seasons, we are only allowed to enjoy it for a small portion of the year. I can’t think of a flavor that is more underutilized than pumpkin.
Brendan Ryan – Spinach. I used to hate spinach. Hate it. I think I mostly hated it, though, because I was told to hate it. Spinach has the unfortunate fate of being labeled as unappetizing by many. As I’ve grown older and wiser, however, I’ve learned to like spinach. A lot. Sure, I wouldn’t want to eat spinach for every meal, but it’s a solid side dish.
Dustin Ackley – Mixed Drink. Except the drink wasn’t mixed properly. In the first sip, we got all of the sugary mixer. It was delicious. We thought the whole drink was going to be amazing. Well, guess what we’re left with now? Straight vodka. I don’t know about you, but that wasn’t what I was expecting. And, frankly, this drink sucks now.
Chone Figgins – A Half Pint Of Milk. That expired three years ago. Why is this still in the fridge? Why hasn’t anybody thrown this away yet?
Justin Smoak – Homemade red wine. We invested a lot to make this red wine. We gave up a lot of time and resources making this wine. It’s wine, so it has to be good, right? Nope. It’s cool that we made it though, right? No, because it’s terrible. But it will get better with age, right? Probably not. Couldn’t get much worse though!
Jason Vargas – Bubble Gum. With bubble gum, you know what you’re going to get. Sure, some may be sweeter than others, but you can’t really be too surprised with gum. Sometimes, though when you try to blow a bubble, it will blow up and you’ll be left with a real mess. All over your face.
Hisashi Iwakuma – Ramune. If you don’t know what Ramune is, welcome to my life three years ago. They started selling it in my dorm though, and I bought it. It was some kind of Japanese soda and I really had no idea what to expect. After I finished my first, I realized that I actually really liked it. A lot. Over the next few months. I had a lot of ramune. I hope to have a lot more in the future too.
Blake Beavan – Triscuits. Has anybody ever been really excited because somebody had Triscuits at a party? Not that I know of. Does it get more bland? I don’t think so. Sometimes, though, you’re hungry. Starving. All you have are Triscuits. Will they get you full? Technically, yes. Will you enjoy it? Not a chance.
Franklin Gutierrez – A bunch of grapes. Oh look! This looks good! Nevermind, it’s squished. Here’s one! Ewww… rotten. How about this one? A bug ate half of it. Why do I even bother trying?
Jesus Montero – Strawberries. In May. These things are going to be so good soon. You can see it. If we eat them right now, though, we’ll be disappointed. Don’t expect much for a few more months. They’re going to be so sweet eventually.
Carter Capps and Stephen Pryor – Sprinkles. Everybody likes sprinkles. They’re sweet, but you only get a few at a time. They’re pointless if you don’t have a cake to put them on though.
Felix Hernandez – Pizza. Ask 50% of adults and 100% of kids what their favorite food is. Pizza. Pizza has a little bit of everything – vegetables, proteins, breads, even fruit sometimes. Pizza can do it all and it does a pretty damn good job. In one word, it’s perfect.
Miguel Olivo – Durian. Definitions of durian from across the internet: “evokes intense disgust.” “Described variously as rotten onions and gym socks.” “If the smell doesn’t kill you, the taste will.”
Munenori Kawasaki – Pop Rocks. What are Pop Rocks, anyway? What’s the point? Why do they do what they do? How do they do what they do? Nobody mistakes Pop Rocks for real food, but they sure are fun. And completely ridiculous.