Final score: Twins 10, Mariners 0

I want to spare you the details of this game. It wasn’t pretty. If you did anything else tonight, like bowling or knitting or watching reruns of The Office seasons 1-4, I can’t blame you for escaping the bloodbath that was smeared all over Target Field.

In fact, you should probably return to whatever distraction prevented you from turning on the TV in the first place. Re-read Fifty Shades of Grey or YouTube college athletes lip-synching “Call Me Maybe.” Scan the rest of the recap and then try to forget this game ever happened.

• Jason Vargas delivered his third shortest, third worst start of the season: 8 hits, 6 runs (5 earned), 2 walks, 2 home runs in 4.2 IP.
• Sam Deduno pitched the best start of his career, with 2 hits and 9 strikeouts over 6 IP. After retiring 18 consecutive batters, Deduno’s K/BB rate reached an all-time high at 11.57.
• Trevor Plouffe collected 4 RBIs in 4 AB, doing the most damage with a 2-run shot to left center field that bounced a few feet over Chone Figgins’ head—even after he scaled the bullpen wall.
• In his seventh MLB appearance, Carter Capps broke a scoreless streak of five appearances, giving up 4 hits and 3 runs over 10 plate appearances. Lucas Luetge fared little better, icing the Twins’ lead with 4 more hits and an extra run in 1.1 innings of relief.
• Although Deduno’s perfect game was spoiled by the second batter, the Mariners hardly posed a threat on the basepaths. Between productive outs and a stolen base, Trayvon Robinson and Kyle Seager snared five bases, both stranded with swinging strikeouts from John Jaso and Justin Smoak.

Tomorrow, the Mariners will make one final push to clinch the series before heading back to Seattle for a 9-game homestand. While I’m not anticipating another blowout from Minnesota, I have the latest episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians DVR’d and ready to go.

Next game: @ Twins | August 30 | 10:10am