Chiefs vs. Colts. Now why an Indian chief would get in a fight with his horse, I have no idea. But for the sake of the battle: the chief has weapons and a vast knowledge of nature, including horses. The colt has it’s size, it’s hooves, and it’s wild nature.
But in the end, most horses are tamed. Winner: Chiefs.
Saints vs. Eagles. Here, “most holy” and “American holy” are pitted against each other. Can a blessed non-entity stand up against the patriotic talons of America’s bird?
No, I don’t think it can. Winner: Eagles.
Chargers vs. Bengals. This battle promises to be entertaining. What’s that, lightning vs a big cat? How could that be entertaining?
Ahh, yes, that’s how. Winner: Chargers.
49ers vs. Packers. By far the best battle of the weekend. Pick axes and meat cleavers will clash in this glorious battle of red-blooded American workers.
Winner: Packers, because they’re not afraid to get their hands bloody.
Emily Ritter is a contributing writer for Aerys Offsides. You can follow her melodramatic metaphors on Twitter: @ebritter2.