Can we make a Mascot Battle theme song? I’m open to suggestions!
First up in week 3 of the NFL is Buccaneers vs. Patriots. We’re talking peg-legged rogues who love gold vs. loyal rogues who love freedom. Both are devious and willing to play dirty. Pros: the Patriots have the right to bear arms, but the Bucs have swords and cutlasses. Cons: the Patriots are limited by their loyalty to just one country but the Bucs are limited by their ship…and eye patches. In the end, this one goes to the Patriots.
This week we’ve also got Lions vs. Redskins. King of the jungle vs king of the prairie. The king of the jungle is not only great at singing and defeating traitorous uncles, but also has a powerful set of jaws. The Redskins though, are trained hunters with years of tradition and an arsenal of weapons, including both bows and arrows. Some important questions: does the lion surprise the Redskin? Or does the Redskin surprise the lion? Oh whatever, let’s give this one to Simba.
And finally, we also have Bears vs. Steelers. I’m picturing giant grizzly bears vs. blow-torch wielding construction workers. The steelers have the upper hand in balance (from all those acrobatics on steel balance beams) but the bears have the upper hand in LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.
And finally, the worst mascot battle this week is Chargers vs. Titans. Zeus locked those suckers in a box with his lightning bolts. This one goes to the Chargers, and that’s just the Gospel Truth.
Emily Ritter is a contributing writer to Aerys Offsides. She obviously loves Disney movies and tweets about them and football: @ebritter2.