Fine, Ken Gurnick, here’s MY Hall of Fame ballot

Yesterday, some Dodgers beat writer named Ken Gurnick (who supposedly is an excellent reporter who has been covering baseball for 25 years or something), made news by ruining Greg Maddux’s chance to be inducted into the Hall of Fame unanimously by voting for only one player: Jack Morris. Gurnick, who promptly went on MLB radio to talk about his ridiculously inane ballot, justified said vote by “throwing out” the entire steroid era, saying he didn’t know who used PEDs and who didn’t, so he decided not to vote for any players of the era.

hofFirst, I think we all have a pretty good idea who on the ballot used PEDs. Second, while we’ll never know with 100 percent surety who used PEDs that enhanced their game, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that the guy who had the body of a 45-year old realtor when he was 23 probably isn’t the guy who used. But I digress. Since we’re throwing out things like entire eras to justify our ballot, I know feel free to throw out all kinds of other things, like statistics, eligibility, and even baseball itself. Oh, and I know most of these guys aren’t on the ballot, but I’m throwing out being on the ballot as a qualifier.

Here then, is my 2014 Hall of Fame ballot:

  1.  Mark Grace: For fueling 10 million fantasies among female (and 10 percent of male) Cubs fans.
  2. Hector Villanueva: How many players can round the bases safely with a can of Bud Light in their hands.
  3. Greg Maddux: For being a bad ass pitcher for 38,0000 years.
  4. LaTroy Hawkins: For the most entertaining post-game meltdowns. Remember the time he walked over to the media to announce he wasn’t talking to the media? Pure gold. The pressure of playing for the Cubs isn’t for everyone, LaTroy.
  5. Milton Bradley: For making LaTroy Hawkins actually look like a stable human being you might want on your ball club. No easy task. Also, for spending the most time in jail of any living Cub. Kudos, Milton.
  6. Antonio Alfonseca: Most fingers of any living former Cub. Duh.
  7. John Stamos: For obvious reasons. What do you mean he’s not on the team? I’m throwing out “baseball” as a requirement on my ballot.
  8. Brian Roberts: He gets the nod as  an”honorary Cub” most-coveted by Jim Hendry.
  9. Mark Prior: For breaking more hearts than any other Cub in history (with the possible exception of Mark Grace).
  10. Kyle Farnsworth: The Cub you most wanted tending bar at your block party.
  11. Abe Lincoln: Illinois’ finest son. No ballot would be complete without him on it.
  12. Jesus: For obvious reasons.
  13. This really comfortable chair we had when I was a kid that I loved: Seriously. Cooperstown will love it.
  14. Harry Potter: Love those books!

I hate to brag, but that’s a solid ballot. Way more solid than one that only says “Jack Morris.” Am i right? We’ll find out who gets in today in just a few minutes. If you’re stuck at work, you can watch the announcement live on

In minor Cubs news, Theo and Jed are meeting with Masahiro Tanaka in the coming days, according to Luke Stuckmeyer over at Comcast Sports Network. Let’s all pray he wasn’t reading the headlines during that ugly “Chiberia” episode.

30 thoughts on “Fine, Ken Gurnick, here’s MY Hall of Fame ballot

  1. gravedigger says:

    i know you’re joking… but if you actually had a vote and submitted that ballot, i’d be more pissed at you than gurnick.

    1. Larry Rogers says:

      Alfonseca had another claim–a top-ten nickname (“El Pulpo”), though Maddux will always hold the best.

    2. juliedicaro says:

      What are you talking about? That’s ballot is spot-on.

      1. FrankS says:

        I think Gracie might qualify for the chain-smoking, drunken dbag hall of fame. I wonder how many of those fantasies were filled over the years when he bedded his slumpbusters? And how much better could the Cubbies and Gracie have been if he hadn’t been the Pied Piper of Rush Street for his teammates. Maybe if he had spent half as much time lifting weights instead of doing 12-ounce curls he’d actually have had a chance at being in the Hall of Fame. SHEESH!

  2. juliedicaro says:

    People keep pointing out to me that Brian Roberts is still active. HELLO—I said I threw out eligibility as a qualifying . . thing.

  3. Rob Sachs says:

    If you’re not going to consider baseball as a requirement, you forgot Mike Ditka. His credentials:
    1. He’s Ditka.
    2. Best rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” ever. (

    1. juliedicaro says:

      Good points all around.

      1. Doc Blume says:

        But I’m pretty sure he only qualifies for the Ford Frick Award voting.

  4. juliedicaro says:

    Cubs have another HOFer. Congrats to Greg Maddux!

  5. sloanpeterson2 says:

    Maddux,Glavine.and Thomas in. Good news…

  6. sloanpeterson2 says:

    Also many people who call themselves “Dodger beat writers”, are that in their dreams…

  7. NotAgain says:

    First starting pitchers to be inducted who started their careers after 1971. Bert Blyleven was the most recent, he started in the majors in 1970. That’s insane.

    1. Doc Blume says:

      That really is insane. Not a lot of notable pitchers really started their careers between the mid-70′s and early 80′s. There were a number of pitchers who came on strong, but flamed out quickly (probably due to the increase in velocity and the relative youth of Tommy John surgery).

      But there are a number of newcomers coming soon…Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez and John Smoltz are all up for consideration next year.

  8. NotAgain says:

    Oh yeah, congrats to “the new guys”.

    1. NotAgain says:

      And well done to the assholes who voted for guys like Armando Benitez and Jacque Jones instead of Biggio who missed out by 2 freaking votes.

  9. Doc Blume says:

    This is so silly…Mark Prior can’t even qualify to be elected for another 5 years. Geez.

    But the rest of this is pretty solid.

  10. Doc Blume says:

    My biggest problem with Gurnick’s ballot is that I honestly don’t believe Jack Morris belongs in the Hall. And he should definitely be behind players like Tim Raines, Lee Smith, Alan Trammell, and Don Mattingly (all of whom I don’t believe belong in the Hall either…but they’re better than Morris).

    1. juliedicaro says:

      I endorse this statement whole-heartedly.

  11. juliedicaro says:

    I added to my ballot.

  12. sloanpeterson2 says:

    For #12, you should also add Allah,Buddha,etc. just to cover all your bases…

  13. sloanpeterson2 says:

    Also for #14, you need to add Katniss Everdeen…

    1. juliedicaro says:

      I agree with all of these.

  14. Dennis W. says:

    I can’t believe you snubbed Jacque Jones!

    1. juliedicaro says:

      I can’t believe it, either.

  15. snoogans says:

    I will never forgive Larry Himes and the Tribune Co. for letting Greg Maddux go. To this day, I wish I could meet Larry Himes so I could douse him in gasoline and light him on fire.

    1. NotAgain says:

      Wow, that’s extreme. I’d just kick him in the nards.

      1. juliedicaro says:

        I’d also like to kick him in the nads.

        1. Doc Blume says:

          Before or after he was set on fire?

          1. NotAgain says:

            Instead of attempting to douse him.

  16. Richard Franklin says:

    You forgot Omar Visquel. And Lincoln is a Kentuckian. Played for the Larue County Hawks before moving to Cubs territory. You can look it up.

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