Yesterday, some Dodgers beat writer named Ken Gurnick (who supposedly is an excellent reporter who has been covering baseball for 25 years or something), made news by ruining Greg Maddux’s chance to be inducted into the Hall of Fame unanimously by voting for only one player: Jack Morris. Gurnick, who promptly went on MLB radio to talk about his ridiculously inane ballot, justified said vote by “throwing out” the entire steroid era, saying he didn’t know who used PEDs and who didn’t, so he decided not to vote for any players of the era.
First, I think we all have a pretty good idea who on the ballot used PEDs. Second, while we’ll never know with 100 percent surety who used PEDs that enhanced their game, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that the guy who had the body of a 45-year old realtor when he was 23 probably isn’t the guy who used. But I digress. Since we’re throwing out things like entire eras to justify our ballot, I know feel free to throw out all kinds of other things, like statistics, eligibility, and even baseball itself. Oh, and I know most of these guys aren’t on the ballot, but I’m throwing out being on the ballot as a qualifier.
Here then, is my 2014 Hall of Fame ballot:
- Mark Grace: For fueling 10 million fantasies among female (and 10 percent of male) Cubs fans.
- Hector Villanueva: How many players can round the bases safely with a can of Bud Light in their hands.
- Greg Maddux: For being a bad ass pitcher for 38,0000 years.
- LaTroy Hawkins: For the most entertaining post-game meltdowns. Remember the time he walked over to the media to announce he wasn’t talking to the media? Pure gold. The pressure of playing for the Cubs isn’t for everyone, LaTroy.
- Milton Bradley: For making LaTroy Hawkins actually look like a stable human being you might want on your ball club. No easy task. Also, for spending the most time in jail of any living Cub. Kudos, Milton.
- Antonio Alfonseca: Most fingers of any living former Cub. Duh.
- John Stamos: For obvious reasons. What do you mean he’s not on the team? I’m throwing out “baseball” as a requirement on my ballot.
- Brian Roberts: He gets the nod as an”honorary Cub” most-coveted by Jim Hendry.
- Mark Prior: For breaking more hearts than any other Cub in history (with the possible exception of Mark Grace).
- Kyle Farnsworth: The Cub you most wanted tending bar at your block party.
- Abe Lincoln: Illinois’ finest son. No ballot would be complete without him on it.
- Jesus: For obvious reasons.
- This really comfortable chair we had when I was a kid that I loved: Seriously. Cooperstown will love it.
- Harry Potter: Love those books!
I hate to brag, but that’s a solid ballot. Way more solid than one that only says “Jack Morris.” Am i right? We’ll find out who gets in today in just a few minutes. If you’re stuck at work, you can watch the announcement live on mlb.com.
In minor Cubs news, Theo and Jed are meeting with Masahiro Tanaka in the coming days, according to Luke Stuckmeyer over at Comcast Sports Network. Let’s all pray he wasn’t reading the headlines during that ugly “Chiberia” episode.