At last, we arrive at the coda of the 2011-12 NHL season, the NHL Awards. The National Hockey League will spend the next few hours cringing at terrible jokes, raising an eyebrow just what Steven Stamkos is wearing, and hoping a Real Housewife doesn’t butcher another poor hockey player’s name. (Seriously, “Mar-TEN Saint Louissss” still rings in my ears to this day.)
The NHL Awards will air on NBC Sports Network starting at 7pm ET/6pm CT, and I’ll be here, live blogging the entire thing.
So grab your drink and pull up a seat. It’s going to be another long night.
All times in the liveblog are listed in CT. Newest posts will be on top.
8:00pm: That’s all for the 2012 NHL Awards! Let’s do this again next year, shall we?
7:57pm: Even in the offseason, I can’t escape Vince Vaughn! WHY ARE YOU HERE? Anyway, the nominees for the Hart Trophy are Henrik Lundqvist, Evgeni Malkin, and Steven Stamkos. And the winner is… Evgeni Malkin. Of course. Least surprising award winner tonight. And he said he wants to give his award to Sergei Gonchar. Oh, my heart!
7:53pm: Hey, it’s Ray Liotta! Wasn’t Goodfellas a great movie? Anyway, the nominees for the Vezina Trophy: Henrik Lundqvist, Jonathan Quick, and Pekka Rinne. And the winner is… oh, Tim Thomas slam! And the winner is Henrik Lundqvist, because East Coast bias (and the postseason doesn’t count) — that’s why. …Wait, what did he say!?
7:48pm: Nickelback, presented by Verizon? NOW YOU KNOW WHO TO BLAME, AMERICA.
7:47pm: Nickelback’s one “killer” riff, destroyed by their lead singer once he starts screeching into the mic.
7:43pm: Why is this Cheryl Burke person here? And what is this awkwardness? Oh God, make it stop. Wait, no, she’s introducing Nickelback! NO, COME BACK, AWKWARD STAMKOS DANCING!
7:41pm: And here we are with our third Hart nominee, Steven Stamkos. He looks so much better without the drowned rat on top of his head.
7:40pm: Kevin Smith raps about Ansimov and obnoxious celebrations. I enjoy them greatly.
7:35pm: Yet another Brendan Shanahan skit. Oh my God. I’m crying.
7:32pm: Oh, look, it’s Colin Hanks giving out the Lady Byng, MY FAVORITE TROPHY. The nominees are Brian Campbell, Jordan Eberle, and Matt Moulson. And the winner is… Brian Campbell!? Ahahahaha, Soupy! And still, no one cares.
7:26pm: The winner of the King Clancy Memorial Trophy is Daniel Alfredsson, who is dedicated to Ottawa. …No, I’m not getting a lump in my throat at this video. The NHL Foundation Player Award winner is Mike Fisher, who supports a lot of charities in Nashville. Plus, you know, he has a hot wife. The Mark Messier Leadership Award is… ugh. Shane Doan. No, I’m still not over this year’s playoffs. Mark Messier‘s bald head is talking now.
7:18pm: The Bill Masterton Award nominees are Daniel Alfredsson (back surgery), Joffrey Lupul (two back surgeries and a blood infection that almost ended his career), and Max Pacioretty (Chara). And the winner is… Max Pacioretty! Excellent.
7:15pm: Now, the Selke Award nominees: David Backes, Patrice Bergeron, and Pavel Datsyuk. And the winner is… Patrice Bergeron! Finally! He can speak French to me anyday.
7:14pm: Kevin Smith is back, rapping about the Winnipeg Jets. “Passion. Think about that.”
7:08pm: Yay, Malkin is the second Hart Trophy nominee. Now back to the Shanahan videos! Clearly the best things about these awards.
7:03pm: Michael Vartan is helping to reveal the winner of the NHL 13 cover vote. And the winner is… Claude Giroux! All that terrible orange on that poor cover.
6:58pm: Will Arnett’s Brendan Shanahan is back. It’s still scary how much he sounds like him.
6:57pm: Gosh, Gabriel Landeskog is pretty.
6:54pm: The GM of the Year Award doesn’t have a cool name. I don’t even know or care about these guys, to be honest. The dude from the Blues, the guy from the Predators, and grumpy-ass Dale Tallon. The winner is Doug Armstrong, the dude from the Blues. Whoop-dee-doo.
6:51pm: Joshua Jackson presents the Calder Trophy. The nominees are Adam Henrique, Gabriel Landeskog, and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins. And the winner is… Gabriel Landeskog! Throw your panties onto the stage, cougars!
6:47pm: The winners of the William M. Jennings trophy winners are Brian Elliot and Jaroslav Halak from the St. Louis Blues. BOOOOO. The Maurice “Rocket” Richard trophy goes to Steven Stamkos from the Tampa Bay Lightning for breaking the 60-goal mark. And the Art Ross trophy goes to Evgeni Malkin for racking up 109 points during the season.
6:46pm: OH GOD WHY IS ERIN ANDREWS HERE? GET OUT. Sorry, reflex.
6:41pm: And now a bit about the Stanley Cup. Time to refill my drink and update this.
6:40pm: Malkin is now giving a broken English interview. I love his parents so much.
6:37pm: Now the dirty Canucks fan is giving out the Jack Adams award for best head coach. Nominees are Ken Hitchcock, Paul MacLean, and John Tortorella. And the winner is Ken Hitchcock! Well deserved, even if he is coaching the Blues into a boring morass of responsible defense.
6:34pm: Cory Monteith is a terrible person for being a Canucks fan. YEAH, I SAID IT. But he’s giving out the Ted Lindsay Award, so here we go with the nominees, Henrik Lundqvist, Evgeni Malkin, and Steven Stamkos. And the winner is… oh, wait, it’s Ted Lindsay giving out the award. My bad. And the winner is… “Evergene” Malkin! Malkin’s English is is so adorably broken.
6:28pm: Awkward Pierre McGuire and Eddie Olczyk introduce the highlights package of the first nominee for the Hart Trophy, Henrik Lundqvist.
6:26pm: Uh, so… Tracey Morgan is Sean Avery. I’m crying.
6:23pm: It’s Henrik Lundqvist in a hot suit… introducing a Tracey Morgan skit. Oh Lord. He’s still saner than Ilya Bryzgalov.
6:22pm: Oh, Kevin Smith. Your love of hockey and “Goon” are why I still find you relevant.
6:15pm: Now we throw to Handsome Hollywood Guy Will Arnett – and we’re about to go into a Brendan Shanahan bit. Arnett’s Shanahan impression is scary-good. I’m going to need a video of this. OH WAIT HERE WE GO:
Thank you, filthy bootleggers!
6:11pm: Some random NBC guy is now presenting a highlights package. And he is drunk. Ha.
6:09pm: Matthew Perry is now stalling for time. Or something. Oh, wait, now here are the nominees for the Norris Trophy are: Zdeno Chara, Erik Karlsson, and Shea Weber. And the winner is… Erik Karlsson!? Wow. That’s… wow. Okay.
6:05pm: Well, that opening was terrible, but at least that means no Jay Mohr. Douche chills. And now Matthew Perry is here, cracking jokes about his irrelevancy. At least he’s doing my work for me.
6:03pm: The lead singer of Nickelback looks like that dude from American Pickers with a dye job.
6:01pm: Oh, is Nickelback opening the show? Let me just — (mutes TV)
6:00pm: I’ve got my drink. I’ve got my seat. Let’s do this.