Dear Red Sox,

We’ve been friends for a long time — 35 plus years by my calculations. Other than my family, I haven’t had many relationships that lasted this long. I know we’ve had ups and downs throughout our relationship. There was that time when we didn’t see each other much in the late 80′s and early 90′s, but those were my college years, I had drinking to get done.

I’d like to think I’ve been a really good friend to you over the past decade or so. A supportive friend. Through good times and bad. I’ve stuck up for you when others talked trash. I’ve always strived to find the positive side to everything you do. You’ve rewarded me with the excitement of two World Series Championships, but also punished me with epic collapses.

I’m writing to let you know that I may have reached a breaking point in our relationship. Your utter disregard for my feelings this season is really starting to get me down. I try to be optimistic about your abilities and often see potential where others don’t. But this year, that potential has gone completely down the toilet and I feel that you’re not holding up your end of a friend’s duties.

Just so you know, I’m officially putting you on “friend probation.” Your lack of heart, effort and team spirit over the past few months has made me seriously think about taking applicants for a new favorite team. You need to pull your shit together and do something to salvage this season and not make a complete ass of yourself. Right now, that’s where you’re heading.

If I knew how to help you, I totally would, you know that. But if I could help, I wouldn’t be sitting on my couch typing out this letter. I would be sitting in your front office making boatloads of money and being regaled as a baseball genius.

Either make a big move over the next month or come September 1, I’ll be posting my “want ad” for a new favorite team on Craig’s List. I can’t handle another fall as disappointing as last year.

Your (almost former) friend,
Stacy

PS: In case you missed it, the Red Sox lost to Cleveland last night 5-3. Totally disappointing. They’ve lost three straight and seven of their last 10. And the schedule isn’t getting any easier.