EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Kevin Durant’s Backpack

True Love?

On Sunday, the Oklahoma Thunder defeated the Memphis Grizzlies to move on to the Western Conference Finals, an exciting continuation to a whirlwind season for this young team. This will be the first time that the franchise will be going to the conference finals since 1996 when they were the Seattle Supersonics.

Without a doubt, its star Kevin Durant has won the hearts of NBA fans everywhere as he sinks shot after shot without flinching. There have been countless discussions  regarding Durant’s talent. His work ethic.  His incredible shooting, ball handling and defensive skills.

But that would be too easy an explanation.  No, the ladies at Aerys Sports have a developed a theory about Durant’s amazing success.

His backpack is magical.

Seriously, this has to be the answer.

Whether casually attired or decked to the nines, Durant always has his backpack on in post-game pressers.

As the season progressed, we’re not the only one who’ve noticed this phenomenon.  But there are more questions than answers:  Why does he wear the backpack? What mysterious powers does it possess? Is Durant using it to send a super  secret message to his opponents?  Does he have mommy issues?  (Okay, we’ll leave that for another column.)

To answer these questions, we had to start with backpack itself.

This is not some glorified book bag your average fifth grader would lug to class.  No, it is the definition of form following function, a heavy duty sack of beauty with industrial-strength straps Durant secures as if he is preparing to climb Kilimanjaro.

Second, what the hell is in it? When asked in a press conference, Durant replied tersely:

“iPad, Bible, headphones and cell phone chargers.”

Umm, that can’t be right. The size and protection that backpack provides…. there must be something more.

We brought our NBA/magical book bag experts together and came up with a whole host of possibilities including, but not limited to Nate Robinson, an ant farm, a Pet Rock, an invisbility cloak, tap shoes, the Real Jeff Green, Greg Oden’s kness, rejected Kirilenko tattoos, Seattle’s soul, Manu Ginobi’s flop sweat, Allen Iverson’s arm sleeve and Rajon Rondo’s headbead.

And that was on the first beer.

But we here at Aerys are not above about spreading scurrilous rumors.  So I decided to go straight to the source.

That’s right, peeps.  I did an interview with Kevin Durant’s backpack.  (Take that, Deadspin.)

I was able to catch up with Kevin Durant’s backpack on one of its rare days off.  We met at the Ivy in Hollywood.

Aerys: Kevin Durant’s recent success has been partially attributed to you.  But when asked, Kevin dismissed the claims, saying you were merely storage for his iPad, Bible, and cell phone chargers. What do you have to say about this?

Backpack: That’s what he said?  Well, I can promise you, I’m more than just storage.

 

Aerys: Wait a minute. You don’t look anything like Kevin Durant’s backpack.

Backpack: I like to travel incognito in my off time.   The paps can be… well, you know, intrusive.

 

Ayres: Does it bother you that Kevin doesn’t give you more credit?

Backpack: I was built with the sturdiest of materials and can withstand the coldest of winds and harshest of conditions.  His comments roll off me like a flat Diet Mountain Dew on Scotchguarded Naugahyde.

 

Aerys: You sound a little upset.

Backpack: I’M NOT UPSET!  Oh, I see what you’re trying to do.  Nice try, but Kevin and me are  tight.   We  stick together.   In silence is humility.

 

Aeyrs: Did you just go Kung Fu on me?

Backpack: Just say, we like to keep our relationship private.

 

Aerys: So you admit there is an intimate relationship between you two?

Backpack: (tears up) Our… relationship… is strictly professional.

 

Aerys: Define “professional.”

Backpack: Define Aerys!  What the hell kinda Goddess is that?    Spell much?

 

Aerys:No need to get rude.   Let’s move on to other things. What do you have inside of you?

Backpack: A world of possibilities.  The beginning and end of all that is. It is for Kevin’s eyes only.

 

Aerys: But new backpacks come on the market every day, what makes you so special?

Backpack: Let’s just say, in this life, you get the backpack you deserve.

 

Aerys: Now you’re sounding deep.

Backpack:  Deep enough to fit the universe.  With room left over for that iPod of his and some great hair products.

 

Aerys: What do you see in the future for you and Kevin?

Backpack: Well, living in the now is the truest path to happiness and enlightenment but I will say our relationship extends beyond the normal backpack/owner.  I see us being close for a very long time.

 

Aerys: So, friends or more than just friends?

Backpack just gave me a coy smile and called for the check.

And with that,  a huge Tumi roll-on duffle appeared and announced the interview was over.

This isn’t the end, Backpack!   Only relentless reporting and countless margaritas will lead us to the truth of what this relationship really entails.

 

In the meantime, we never got the answer we were looking for.  So we ask you now, what do YOU think is really inside of Kevin Durant’s backpack?

 

11 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Kevin Durant’s Backpack

  1. Steph Diorio says:

    This may be the greatest article of all time.

    1. Miss Johnson says:

      Brilliant.

  2. Lynn Pounian says:

    What’s in the backpack:

    Half the Kardashian family. They sneak into everything.

  3. gravedigger says:

    Aerys? Spell much?

    i lol’d.

  4. Miss Johnson says:

    LMAO @ Manu Ginobili’s flop sweat.

  5. Miranda says:

    What the hell kinda Goddess is that? Spell much! Bwahahaha!!!

    I say special post-game socks or some girly lotion! Who knows… it’s not just what he said though!

  6. Brandyn says:

    Words cannot describe how much I love this post. I’m going to think of it every time I see Kevin and his wee backpack. Keep at it, Nabila–one day your investigative efforts will reveal the essence of the TRUE relationship between Durant and his backpack.

  7. Tamara Rinehart says:

    I was literally laughing my butt off reading this! Brilliant!

  8. Nabila says:

    Thank you everyone, it was a fun interview ;)

Leave a Reply