Like it or not, we’re still some seven months away from the start of the 2013 NFL season, but now is the time players start working on their offseason programs of general conditioning, weight training, speed drills, etc. Based on what we saw in 2012, Denver Horse Force is suggesting the following offseason training program for a select number of Denver Broncos.

Champ Bailey

Program: Practice playing cornerback, not practice playing safety

Concept: Use a single poor-performance as motivation to improve elite skill. Forgo learning new position on which aforementioned skill set would be wasted.

Eric Decker

Program: Morning manager at local bakery and afternoon regimen of tire runs.

Concept: The experience of opening early to sell hot and fresh baked goods will allow Decker to realize it’s a good thing to get open earlier in routes. (Also acceptable, as we learned during last season’s Hard Knocks, is managing the “always open” 7-Eleven. Plus, there’s the built-in perk of easy access to Slurpees.)

The afternoon daily tire runs would hopefully limit his risk of tripping over absolutely nothing…because we should never have to see this again:

Virgil Green & Julius Thomas

Program: Speed and agility training, weightlifting, sculpting

Concept: Green should focus on the speed and agility side of things, as it’s imperative he improve his viability as a downfield receiving threat. Thomas, on the other hand, needs to add bulk in the weight room, especially if blocking is to become a passable part of his repertoire.

Both should also enroll as art students in a sculpting class. If they learn how to make a bust in art studio, they can both avoid becoming one on the football field.

Trindon Holliday

Program: Contracted flour caretaker/deliveryman for Eric Decker’s bakery

Concept: Also known as the ‘Niles Crane Flour Baby Regimen,’ Holliday should be the proud, doting father of a bag of flour. Decker’s bakery depends on it. After several days of intense never-letting-it-go flour-sitting—part of the rigorous quality control protocol mandated by Decker’s bakery—Holliday delivers the bundle of joy safe and sound.

No fumbles, no bobbles, no muffs…unless we’re talking bakery specialty muffins, then that’s totally okay.

Holliday should note, however, the straps employed by Niles are not standard issue in the NFL. Left hand and right hand it is!

Courtesy Jason Ernst via Flickr

Chris Kuper

Program: Milk drinking (and milk mustache modeling), pillow fighting

Concept: C’mon, Chris, show us that milk mustache! Kuper, a one-time offensive line mainstay, battled a series of unfortunate injuries in 2012. Drinking milk should strengthen all those bones he unfortunately keeps breaking.

Pillow fighting allows Kuper to engage in physical activity that keeps him fit, but in no way puts him at risk for a compound fracture. Or so I hope…

Peyton Manning

Program: Chauffeur

Concept: Manning is already in the driver’s seat…now he can get some added offseason reps steering with gloves. Perhaps a more obvious offseason program would be working as a glove model, a la Dan Marino and Isotoner, but I like Manning too much to suggest he be more like Marino:

For the record, No. 18 is a far superior TV pitchman.

As a gloved chauffeur, Manning would be responsible for taking others as far as they want to go, just as he’s expected to do for the Super Bowl-minded Denver Broncos.

Rahim Moore

Program: Deep-end lifeguarding, pet shelter contracting, and jumping rope

Concept: Moore’s offseason program is perhaps the most diverse—and character building—of all the Broncos. Spending a few months at the deep end of a pool should instill in Moore that his responsibility as a center-fielding safety is to stay deep. Building all those pooch refuges will also allow him to discover the best ways to get out of a doghouse. During adult swim or between building jobs he can hit the jump rope, or maybe hop in on some double Dutch to help him learn the proper time to leap.

It’s all about the clutch.

Matt Prater

Program: Par-3 golfer, driving golf cart with manual transmission

Concept: Don’t athletes already play enough golf during their offseason? Yes, but Prater should limit himself to only Par-3 courses, where a midrange game matters. Prater has shown he can drive it, and his short game is not a concern, but maybe focusing on those irons will help something click with Prater when he’s facing a 40-yard field goal attempt in 2013. Eureka!

To keep wear and tear off those legs while on the links, Prater should also resort to a cart, preferably one with a clutch. The kicker’s fat contract extension last season was based on work in the clutch, a concept he could stand to re-familiarize himself with.

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