I don’t know where this grassroots movement to get Ozzie Guillen an interview with the Chicago Cubs started. Frankly, I don’t want to know, as it will make me lose tremendous amounts of respect for whomever’s terrible idea this was in the first place. But I’m here to stop it. Immediately.
I’m not sure what the rationale for the “Ozzie should manage the Cubs!” campaign. I’ve seen the words “fire” and “proven winner!” tossed around on Twitter, and I’ve shed copious tears for the diminished intellectual capacities of the people who did the tossing. No one should have to go through life as a moran, amiright?
So let’s take a look at the reasons Ozzie isn’t going to manage the Cubs and isn’t going to get an interview and is possibly the worst candidate people could ever come up with.
1. Ozzie was once fooled by the hidden ball trick twice in one game. This is not a great baseball mind, people.
2. Winning a World Series does not make you a “proven winner.” Bob Brenly won a World Series and lost his job shortly thereafter. Ryan Theriot has TWO World Series rings. Do any of you want to call him a “proven winner?” NO? But he’s a PROVEN WINNER!
3. If you think Cubs fans made Milton Bradley’s brain explode, just imagine what would happen with Ozzie at Clark and Addison. The only reason he got away with some of the stuff he said is because White Sox fans don’t pay attention to anything. Hell, they don’t even know who is managing their team half the time.
4. Having Ozzie as a manager means that you get Oney as pitching coach and Ozzie Jr at hitting coach. Oh, and they also go on Twitter and shoot their mouths off about the front office and the fans all the time. Sounds like a great fit, eh?
5. Imagine what would happen the first time Ozzie makes a boneheaded personnel decision and Theo or Jed overrules it. THE CARNAGE. Actually, this might be a reason IN FAVOR of Ozzie managing: The entertainment factor.
6. When we talk about statistically-inclined coaches, Ozzie hovers on the list somewhere near Don Zimmer, Sparky Anderson, and Sweet Lou Brown.
7. Ozzie once ordered a rookie pitcher to hit an opposing player, then demoted him to AAA the next day when he failed to do it. Talk about developing the kids!
8. Speaking of developing the youngsters, Ozzie’s handling of Starlin Castro and Anthony Rizzo would make Dale Sveum look like Mary freakin’ Poppins. He’s not exactly known for bringing the young kids along. Unless you’re talking about Oney and Ozzie.
9. People who criticize him are “fags,” migrant workers are “workaholics,” Americans are “lazy,” and Fidel Castro is worthy of respect.
10. It’s OZZIE GUILLEN, kids! Do you have any idea what you’re saying? I know they’ve lost 200 games in the last two years and all our brains are a little addled as a result, but that’s no reason to start clamoring for Ozzie Guillen. If you think this is a good idea, fill a sink with cold water and ice cubes, then go dunk your head in it repeatedly until you realize it’s NOT a good idea.
Look, do I want to hang out with Ozzie and drink Modelos while he yells at the TV? Absolutely. Do I want to send him back in him and have him put Kent Mercker and the rest of the 2004 team through a wall? Sure! Do I want him managing a team full of fragile young egos? No. No, I do not.
We have a Wrigley Renovation update! Good ole Rahm has come up with a proposal to try to jump start this whole process, because you know Rahm thinks Wrigley is as much of a dump as we do:
Under the measure, the Cubs would be allowed to play up to 43 regular-season night games instead of the 46 approved a few months ago. Thirty-five night games would be scheduled prior to the start of the season and another eight would be games that national TV broadcasters ask to be shifted from day to night games. Up to three of those rescheduled games could be played on Saturdays.
Emanuel’s proposed change also would remove a requirement that the Cubs get city approval to change the game times after Cubs officials said those provisions could be a deal killer. In addition, the mayor is proposing the Cubs get to put up already-approved new signage with minimal further red tape.
As part of the deal, the team would eliminate a pedestrian bridge over Clark Street linking a hotel to the ballpark and adjacent plaza, move the hotel entrance from Patterson Avenue to Clark, and remove a hotel balcony at Clark and Patterson. That’s good news for neighborhood groups.
The Cubs also would get city land to push back the exterior right-field wall by seven feet and the left-field wall by 16 feet. Although a city spokeswoman said in July that the mayor would ask the Cubs to pay for that land, Emanuel spokesman Sarah Hamilton said Wednesday that the mayor has agreed to accept $4.75 million in previously pledged neighborhood investments as compensation.
Will the Cubs continue to be on WGN radio? Not unless a new deal is negotiated:
If the Cubs want to continue their long relationship with WGN-AM 720, dating back to 1925, they likely will have to do it at a reduced price.
Strapped with an expensive rights deal and sharply declining ratings because of the Cubs’ struggles on the field, WGN is exercising an option to re-open their contract with the team.
Broadcast sources say WGN is losing significant money on the Cubs broadcasts, with listeners and advertisers tuning out a team that has lost 197 games in the last two years.
Cubs games still will air on the station in 2014, but beyond that, the two sides will have to agree on a new deal.
WGN-AM President Jimmy de Castro declined to discuss any of the specifics of the situation. However, he stressed several times that he hopes the Cubs continue to be on WGN.
“Like any contract, there are periods where you do a business analysis,” de Castro said. “Both the Cubs and WGN are looking at it. We love our partnership and we hope it continues forever. The contract calls for us to take a look at it and we’re going to do that.”
In other words: Forever will end abruptly if the money isn’t right for WGN.
Speaking of WGN and Jimmy de Castro, I’ll be on WGNfm every Monday morning from 9:00 t0 10:30. You can tune in online at WGN (dot) fm. Hope you’ll listen!
Davey Martinez gets his interview today. Let’s all send him and his handsome beard lots of good vibes.