Ten things that would get me excited about the 2014 Cubs

It’s not easy coming up with Cubby things to write about everyday, yo. I think I’ve been pretty clear that I’m going to leave reporting on the minors to others, though congratulations are in order to the Daytona Cubs who won the State of Florida. Or something. So that’s nice for them. It doesn’t, however, make my life any easier, as I still have to come up with something to say about the big boys up here at Wrigley.

It’s no real secret that the Cubs fan base is less-than-excited about baseball on the North Side these days. Oh sure, you might be excited about the prospects due to arrive around 2015-2016, but it’s hard to get excited about, like, the 2014 Cubs. So I’ve  been thinking about what the Cubs could do, right now, to get me excited about Cubs baseball again. Here’s what I came up with:

10.  Make the outfield more interesting. You know how the Astros have that stupid “Tal’s Hill” right in the middle of center field (if you don’t know the Astros just randomly have a hill in the middle of CF — for some reason, MLB allows this)? I say the Cubs take this idea and run with it. Why not a windmill between first and second base? Or a sandtrap in CF — the ball goes in and then shoots out from behind the catcher? Tell me you wouldn’t watch that? You totally would.

sweeney9.  Make the  . . uh . .  view more interesting. I hate the stereotype that women only watch sports for the guys in tight pants, but honestly, when there’s nothing else to look at, some additional eye candy wouldn’t hurt.  Don’t roll your eyes, men out there. There’s a reason women’s beach volleyball is one of the highest-rated events at the Olympics every four years. Is Garrett Jones still available? Does Ryan Sweeney have a twin? Asking for a friend . . . And hey, I’m an equal opportunity sexist. Give the guys Kate Upton as a ball girl or something. Better yet, run Jennie Finch out there every five days. She could only improve the starting rotation.

8. A scarier starting rotation. Speaking of the starting rotation, can we not call Travis Wood the Cubs’ “ace?” I know he’s had a good year, I know he was an All-Star, I know he’s probably the most consistent guy in the rotation. But there’s something about the words “Travis Wood” and “ace” together that are completely demoralizing. The Cubs need an “ace” with an “ace” name that strikes fear into the hearts of opposing teamas like Blaze Fastpitch or Cam Lightning or Clayton Kershaw.  I’d show up to watch anyone with the word “strike” in his name. Or someone’s whose name sounds like a cowboy.

7. Two words: Bleacher Bum races.  In the bottom of the 8th, find the fattest, drunkest fans in the bleachers (or the grandstand, but let’s be honest, they’ll be in the bleachers) and let them race around the bases while we all laugh at their misfortune and document their shame on social media channels. As bonus on Sundays, they do that thing where they put their forehead on a bat and run in circles. I would show up just for this.

6. More comedy in the booth.  Look, I know Len and JD are good at what they do. I know they have a huge following. That’s why I’m not suggesting that either one of them be replaced. I’m just suggesting that the Cubs inquire into what it would cost to add Louis C.K. to the broadcast team.

5.  Guest players. While we’re waiting for the likes of Kris Bryant and Javier Baez to come rescue the Cubs’ infield, why not let some regular joes have a shot at playing?  You always hear people say “My grandmother is better defensively at 3rd than (insert player name).” Here’s the chance to find out if it’s true! Randomly put undercover Cubs employees throughout the ballpark, and let the people who think they can do better have a shot at it. You never know when you’ll find the next Mike Schmidt in Section 424.

carlos-zambrano-breaks-a-baseball-bat1_display_image4. Angrier players. If we can’t watch winning baseball players, can we at least watch some angrier ones? What I wouldn’t give for a good baseball fight involving the Cubs. Who can forget the image of Carlos Zambrano charging out of the clubhouse in his undershirt, waving his belt over his head like a bad ass mercenary? Say what you want about Carlos, at least we were never bored when he pitched. If the Cubs are going to lose anyway, I’d like some more mentally unstable players to spice things up a little bit.

3.  Make Junior Lake steal home. I don’t care if stealing home almost never works, I like to see people try. It reminds me of Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. Bonus points for stealing home on the Fourt of July.

2. “Fans choose the lineup” month. Hey, know who’s really not doing much these days? Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot, Tony Campana, and Sam Fuld. In the spirit of shutting stupid fans up in perpetuity, let’s bring them all back and toss them in all the lineup for a week or two straight. We’ll see how many fans are still shooting their mouths off about the scraptacular foursome then.

1.  Free beer until the Cubs get their first man on-base.  Kinda feels like this should be a no-brainer.

13 thoughts on “Ten things that would get me excited about the 2014 Cubs

  1. Drew says:

    Re: #4 — We had Milton Bradley. People complained.

    1. juliedicaro says:

      Yeah . . maybe I should have been more specific. Although, had he taken his anger out on the other team, as opposed to his wives/girlfriends, I might have liked him better.

  2. Doc Blume says:

    There is one thing that would get me excited for the 2014 season…the beginning of construction of a new stadium.

    1. juliedicaro says:

      Are the renovations supposed to be done by 2014?

      1. Doc Blume says:

        It looks like the only major thing that could get done this offseason is the Budweiser sign in right field…assuming they ever get approval from the rooftops and Tunney. I read that they intend to put the video board up at any point once the rooftops stop their lawsuit threat and the city guarantees the Cubs freedom to put up more signs after 2024. That would mean they could work on that while the season is progress next year.

  3. juliedicaro says:

    Comcast tries to envision what Wrigley will look like after the renovations are complete:


    1. Doc Blume says:

      I look at that model and I see how the existing ballpark is combined with all the new elements…the old parts of the stadium just look completely out of place with the rest of the components. They are better off tearing the grandstand down and starting over.

      But, at the rate they are going, by the time the Cubs actually get around to doing these renovations and actually completing them, the stadium is going to need to be renovated again because it will be out of date again.

  4. sloanpeterson2 says:

    RE:#9- in the interest of improving the fan experience, I feel that a grooming code should be developed for all Cubs players, coaches, and the manager. This is an pre-emptive strike in case any of the Cubs get the idea to grow Red-Sox like beards in the mistaken assumption that the facial hair would help the Cubs win in 2014. I also feel that Dale should be subject to a makeover, as he appears to be well on his way to permanent sun damage on his skin. Also, there should be a fitness component to current/future Cubs managers and coaches. Witnessing Girardi and the Yankees run onto the field last night, it was clear that the Yankees manger could easily take not only Buck Showalter, but about 60% of the Orioles. We want a team in fighting shape,& that should start from the top.

    1. Doc Blume says:

      I’m pretty sure Sveum could beat the crap out of most of the players on the Brewers…and probably the Cardinals too.

  5. gidard says:

    There is a ray of brightness on the horizon.
    With 19 gms left losing 100 gms is virtually impossible.
    We still need 3 victories at home to avoid losing 50 gms at Wrigley and breaking the old record of 49.
    I was hoping we could take 2 of 3 from the Brewers or maybe even get a sweep thereby greatly increasing the Cub’s chances.
    But NOOOOooooo!
    And then we whup the Reds on the road.
    What a goofy team.

  6. gidard says:

    I read where Sveum said “You never want to be A spoiler” regarding the Cubs playing the Reds, Pirates, and the Cardinals in these last games of the season.
    I don’t mind raining on any of these teams’ parades.
    Spoil the s*** out of these teams.
    They’re going to make the play-offs anyway.

    1. Doc Blume says:

      I’m pretty sure he intended that to mean that you never want to be in the position of being a spoiler.

  7. Raythar says:

    You know what has me excited? The possibility of more Ryan Sweeney-Gosling memes.

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