It’s not easy coming up with Cubby things to write about everyday, yo. I think I’ve been pretty clear that I’m going to leave reporting on the minors to others, though congratulations are in order to the Daytona Cubs who won the State of Florida. Or something. So that’s nice for them. It doesn’t, however, make my life any easier, as I still have to come up with something to say about the big boys up here at Wrigley.
It’s no real secret that the Cubs fan base is less-than-excited about baseball on the North Side these days. Oh sure, you might be excited about the prospects due to arrive around 2015-2016, but it’s hard to get excited about, like, the 2014 Cubs. So I’ve been thinking about what the Cubs could do, right now, to get me excited about Cubs baseball again. Here’s what I came up with:
10. Make the outfield more interesting. You know how the Astros have that stupid “Tal’s Hill” right in the middle of center field (if you don’t know the Astros just randomly have a hill in the middle of CF — for some reason, MLB allows this)? I say the Cubs take this idea and run with it. Why not a windmill between first and second base? Or a sandtrap in CF — the ball goes in and then shoots out from behind the catcher? Tell me you wouldn’t watch that? You totally would.
9. Make the . . uh . . view more interesting. I hate the stereotype that women only watch sports for the guys in tight pants, but honestly, when there’s nothing else to look at, some additional eye candy wouldn’t hurt. Don’t roll your eyes, men out there. There’s a reason women’s beach volleyball is one of the highest-rated events at the Olympics every four years. Is Garrett Jones still available? Does Ryan Sweeney have a twin? Asking for a friend . . . And hey, I’m an equal opportunity sexist. Give the guys Kate Upton as a ball girl or something. Better yet, run Jennie Finch out there every five days. She could only improve the starting rotation.
8. A scarier starting rotation. Speaking of the starting rotation, can we not call Travis Wood the Cubs’ “ace?” I know he’s had a good year, I know he was an All-Star, I know he’s probably the most consistent guy in the rotation. But there’s something about the words “Travis Wood” and “ace” together that are completely demoralizing. The Cubs need an “ace” with an “ace” name that strikes fear into the hearts of opposing teamas like Blaze Fastpitch or Cam Lightning or Clayton Kershaw. I’d show up to watch anyone with the word “strike” in his name. Or someone’s whose name sounds like a cowboy.
7. Two words: Bleacher Bum races. In the bottom of the 8th, find the fattest, drunkest fans in the bleachers (or the grandstand, but let’s be honest, they’ll be in the bleachers) and let them race around the bases while we all laugh at their misfortune and document their shame on social media channels. As bonus on Sundays, they do that thing where they put their forehead on a bat and run in circles. I would show up just for this.
6. More comedy in the booth. Look, I know Len and JD are good at what they do. I know they have a huge following. That’s why I’m not suggesting that either one of them be replaced. I’m just suggesting that the Cubs inquire into what it would cost to add Louis C.K. to the broadcast team.
5. Guest players. While we’re waiting for the likes of Kris Bryant and Javier Baez to come rescue the Cubs’ infield, why not let some regular joes have a shot at playing? You always hear people say “My grandmother is better defensively at 3rd than (insert player name).” Here’s the chance to find out if it’s true! Randomly put undercover Cubs employees throughout the ballpark, and let the people who think they can do better have a shot at it. You never know when you’ll find the next Mike Schmidt in Section 424.
4. Angrier players. If we can’t watch winning baseball players, can we at least watch some angrier ones? What I wouldn’t give for a good baseball fight involving the Cubs. Who can forget the image of Carlos Zambrano charging out of the clubhouse in his undershirt, waving his belt over his head like a bad ass mercenary? Say what you want about Carlos, at least we were never bored when he pitched. If the Cubs are going to lose anyway, I’d like some more mentally unstable players to spice things up a little bit.
3. Make Junior Lake steal home. I don’t care if stealing home almost never works, I like to see people try. It reminds me of Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. Bonus points for stealing home on the Fourt of July.
2. “Fans choose the lineup” month. Hey, know who’s really not doing much these days? Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot, Tony Campana, and Sam Fuld. In the spirit of shutting stupid fans up in perpetuity, let’s bring them all back and toss them in all the lineup for a week or two straight. We’ll see how many fans are still shooting their mouths off about the scraptacular foursome then.
1. Free beer until the Cubs get their first man on-base. Kinda feels like this should be a no-brainer.