Chicago Cubs 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

After a long holiday hiatus, we’re back. With the new year upon us, we thought we’d check in with the Chicago Cubs players to see what resolutions they’ve made for 2014.

wrigley-field-winter-snowTom Ricketts: Hire Tom Tunney to screen calls from Dad.

Theo Epstein:  Take Crane Kenny off email distribution list and “reply to all” responses.

Jed Hoyer: Be firm in asking people not to call me “Theo Jr.”

Jeff Samardzija: Remember to find out what hair products Legolas uses to get his hair to lay like that.

Jake Arrieta:  Find way to channel hotness into pitch velocity

Edwin Jackson:  Register for correspondence classes at DeVry.

Wellington Castillo:  Ask someone what happened to that other Hispanic catcher. Ask new guy if he knows what “Beef Castle” means.

Starlin Castro:  Find out how to block texts from Bobby Valentine.

Anthony Rizzo:  Get scary neck tattoo to off-set dimples.

Darwin Barney: Find out how to block texts from Brandon Phillips.

Brooks Raley: Stand up to people who call me “Boo Radley.”

Travis Wood: Inspire my OWN line of “We got Wood” shirts

Junior Lake: Crash into more walls. Fans love guys who crash into walls.

Ryan Sweeney:  Test out “Hey, Girl” look on Renteria, see if it leads to more playing time

Nate Schierholtz: Ask for time off week of July 23-July 31. They can’t trade me if they can’t find me.

James Russell: Find out what kind of hair care products Samardzija uses to get his hair to lay like that.

Luis Valbuena:  Befriend Kris Bryant, destroy his psyche, and cause him to develop an eating disorder.

Blake Parker: Grow even more epic beard that renders me un-demotable.

Brett Jackson: Live. Live, dammit!

24 thoughts on “Chicago Cubs 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

  1. NorthSideIrish says:

    Javier Baez: What ever the f#@K I want.

  2. sloanpeterson2 says:

    Spellcheck & Russell need to consult with Troy Palamulu regarding hair care…

  3. johnnywest333 says:

    Julie you really scare me sometimes you really do.

    1. Doc Blume says:


      1. Anonymous says:

        All the time.

        1. Anonymous says:

          Just some army officer following miss piggy

          1. gravedigger says:

            Commenter’s IP is and is a Verizon Wireless user outside of the Dallas, TX area.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Another lame and stupid post from Dicaro

    1. Doc Blume says:

      Oh, is that Al Yellon is lurking.

    2. NotAgain says:


  5. Anonymous says:

    Looks like somebody’s mommy is posting again…

  6. johnnywest333 says:

    Ryan Theriot retired.

    1. FrankS says:

      Maybe Julie or Carl will write up a big blog entry on everyone’s “favorite” Musketeer and the inspiration for the TOOTBLAN stat. I wonder if Ryan tried to apply for the WGN baseball analyst position. Of course, he kind of burned his bridges when he said he was finally on the right side of the Cubs/Cardinal rivalry when he ended up with the Cards. The sad thing is that he was right then and is still right now.

      1. FrankS says:

        Or maybe they are both battling the latest midwest blizzard?

  7. Anonymous says:

    People are saying lots of nice things about Theriot over on…

    1. FrankS says:


  8. sloanpeterson2 says:

    Most of the nice comments are from Cardinals fans, who thought he was scrappy.Then people began posting to remind everyone what he said when he left the Cubs. Apparently his condition that he would have “significant”playing time meant that no one would offer any type of contract to him. I will not be surprised if he pops up as a coach somewhere…

    1. Doc Blume says:

      For almost a year he’s been looking into becoming a player agent.

  9. gravedigger says:

    Im thinking I should disable anonymous commenting.

    Or maybe I should publish irritating commenters’ IP addresses. Does that do any good for anyone?

    1. NotAgain says:

      Definitely the IPs.

  10. sloanpeterson2 says:

    At work,the deathstar does not let me sign in at times, or when I refresh, I become Anonymous…

    1. gravedigger says:

      I noticed that being a problem with some other people too… Not sure what’s causing it, sorry.

      But the asshole comments above are from someone with a unique IP – not tied to someone who previously made comments on this site (at least not from the same IP)

      1. Doc Blume says:

        it’s probably Ryan Theriot…who has too much free time these days.

        1. NotAgain says:


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