After a long holiday hiatus, we’re back. With the new year upon us, we thought we’d check in with the Chicago Cubs players to see what resolutions they’ve made for 2014.
Theo Epstein: Take Crane Kenny off email distribution list and “reply to all” responses.
Jed Hoyer: Be firm in asking people not to call me “Theo Jr.”
Jeff Samardzija: Remember to find out what hair products Legolas uses to get his hair to lay like that.
Jake Arrieta: Find way to channel hotness into pitch velocity
Edwin Jackson: Register for correspondence classes at DeVry.
Wellington Castillo: Ask someone what happened to that other Hispanic catcher. Ask new guy if he knows what “Beef Castle” means.
Starlin Castro: Find out how to block texts from Bobby Valentine.
Anthony Rizzo: Get scary neck tattoo to off-set dimples.
Darwin Barney: Find out how to block texts from Brandon Phillips.
Brooks Raley: Stand up to people who call me “Boo Radley.”
Travis Wood: Inspire my OWN line of “We got Wood” shirts
Junior Lake: Crash into more walls. Fans love guys who crash into walls.
Ryan Sweeney: Test out “Hey, Girl” look on Renteria, see if it leads to more playing time
Nate Schierholtz: Ask for time off week of July 23-July 31. They can’t trade me if they can’t find me.
James Russell: Find out what kind of hair care products Samardzija uses to get his hair to lay like that.
Luis Valbuena: Befriend Kris Bryant, destroy his psyche, and cause him to develop an eating disorder.
Blake Parker: Grow even more epic beard that renders me un-demotable.
Brett Jackson: Live. Live, dammit!