The Orioles gave them all to Jake Arrieta.

Clearly, this is because everyone on the team who wields a bat finds Jake Arrieta irresistibly attractive. No offense to Zach, of course, because Zach is a cute kid. But he’s no Jake Arrieta.

The team scored eight runs in one inning tonight. They added one a few innings later, but that eight-run outburst was so unlike this team that the only possible explanation is that the whole team has a crush on Arrieta. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Everyone performs better when their one true love is on the line. We all want to impress our crushes, don’t we? So who wouldn’t want to impress Arrieta?

Yeah. Yeah, we all like that. It’s just so, so tantalizing to score runs for that man. The hair commands the roster to score runs. The smoldering eyes just beg for run support. The chiseled face is in need of some help in keeping the ERA down.

Sorry, Zach. You’re just not the popular boy in the OPACY school is all. You’re cute, sure, and I’m sure someone on the team wants to score runs for you the way J.J. Hardy does for Jeremy Guthrie (have you seen how often Guthrie tweets about Hardy? Seriously, it’s a bromance). But you’re just not as sultry as Jake Arrieta. And that means that for now, runs are going to be hard to come by.