Sir Billiam Hamilton of the Bakersfield Blaze officially stole bases 99 and 100 for the season in last night’s game. It’s July 3, people. In honor of this magnificent achievement, I’ve put together a list of 100 things that aren’t as fast as Billy Hamilton. Some are legit. Some are ironic. Some are hyperbole. It is not a particularly unbiased list. But I actually put 100 different things on it, without resorting to listing the entire current roster of the Reds organization individually. So, without further ado.

100. Me

99. The fastest person I’ve ever met. (But not the fastest person someone I’ve met has ever met – my sister went to high school with Tyson Gay)

98. Some cheetahs

97. 10 Ernie Lombardis working in concert

96. George R.R. Martin

95. Dawn of the Dead version zombies

94. Non-super-speed super heroes.

93. Light traveling through a Bose-Einstein condensate

92. Flight of the Bumblebee, by Rimsky-Korsakov

91. The flight of bumblebees

90. El Nino

89. All Detroit Tigers since that really racist Hall-of-Famer

88. The rate at which I mentally undress Curtis Granderson

87. The first person to come to the defense of The Hunger Games if you ever say anything bad about it

86. The fastest cyclist in the Tour de France who isn’t doping

85. Ludicrous speed

84. Athlon chips that came out before 2009

83. The World War I German battlecruiser, the SMS Goeben

82. Ty Cobb (See # 89)

81. Night, according to Bonnie Tyler.

80. The film speed of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

79. The abominable snowman from SkiFree

78. Sonic the Hedgehog

77. An actual hedgehog

76. Mrs. Tiggy-winkle

75. Ron “the Hedgehog” Jeremy

74. Golf

73. Joey Chestnut driving the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile

72. Simon and Garfunkel

71. The really tiny, inside the human body, Magic School Bus

70. The Millenium Falcon (Billy Hamilton made the Kessel Run in less than 11 parsecs.)

69. Billy Hamilton riding a race horse

68. Sparky Anderson’s call to the bullpen

67. A Delorean being chased by Libyan Terrorists

66. Balto

65. A mistborn burning Pewter and Duralumin. (NERRRRD. NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD.)

64. [Insert scornful reference to Snooki here]

63. Ken Jennings’s buzzer speed

62. John Wall

61. A Wronski Feint

60. Some of The Fast, most of the Furious

59. A chameleon’s tongue

58. Scholar’s mate

57. According to my fiance, a magic deck called “4-LED long”. And you thought I was a nerd.

56. The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

55. Tetris, level 19

54.Chip, the C-ing Red puppy

53. Times at Ridgemont High

52. The baking speed of Richard Harris’s cake that someone left out in the rain. (And he’ll never see that recipe again)

51. The rate at which gay marriage will destroy America

50. Teeny Weeny’s racing snail

49. Phillip J. Fry, after 100 cups of coffee

48. Kudzu

47. The powerful Mach 5

46. Deoxys

45. An ostrich drafting off a mag lev train

44. The rate at which we’re draining the Ogallala aquifer (MOAR PROSELYTIZING)

43.The rate at which we’re draining Lake Lanier (Now I’m just doing it to make you mad.)

42. Mayfly foreplay

41. Jamie Moyer

40. A certain host of Reds Live going after a baby giraffe

39. The last 5 Hapsburg emperors

38. Ryan Lochte… fitted with a hydrofoil

37. Peregrine falcon ground speed

36. 99.9% of people named Steve

35. Thom Yorke

34. Santa Claus

33.  Travis Bickle’s descent into madness

32. Entmoots

31. DMV lines  (SO original and hilarious)

30. A sloth on a hoverboard

29. Auctioneers

28. Really EVIL-looking doorstops

27. My new invention, the Paddlayak. It’s like a kayak. But with pedals. Like a paddleboat.

26. Champion Afghan-marathoners at the Ravelympics

25.Watching hulu with dialup

24. Keanu Reeves party bus

23. The bottom of the first hill on the Millenium Force

22. Cup stacking competitions

21. A Dick Dale guitar solo

20. Olympic Badminton

19. You, trying to figure out if I’m listing very fast things or very slow things.

18. The Dread Pirate Roberts, even though he’s using the same wind as you.

17. John Kruk skydiving

16. The flu, at a very small college

15.The Great Pumpkin

14. Towel distributor at a showing of Magic Mike

13. A wink

12. Joseph Kittinger’s face

11. Eric Davis. (c.2012) (…maybe)

10. Me, lowering my standards for what’s funny enough to put on a list

9. Hermes, greek god of quickliness.

8. Franklin Pierce, Speed Skater

7. Bronson Arroyo’s curveball

6. Benny “the Jet” Rodriguez

5. Bad news

4. Your mother

3. An unladen swallow (Either African or European)

2. Billy Hamilton

1.  Any attempt to catch him.

Phew, done. Billy Hamilton is awesome.