So, you guys may have heard that there were some twinges experienced in the Ryan-Madson region of Arizona. No one is particularly happy about this, but, sensibly, no one’s really losing their head over it either. Here at C-ing Red, however, we know how to properly lose our heads, and we can feel the doom-levels rising. Thus: three ways that Ryan Madson’s minor spring training injury is going to ruin the Red’s chances of winning the 2012 World Series. Even though he’s going to start throwing again today.
#1: The Reds are tasked tomorrow by the powers that be (TPTB) with an archaeological adventure, and must travel to Mexico in hopes of discovering the mystery of the whole 2012-calendar-fol-de-rol. Deep in a Mayan tomb, the Reds 25 man roster is trapped in a comparatively large chamber, quickly filling with sand – and there’s only one way to escape. The Reds last hope is for someone to throw a perfect changeup through a strike-zone-sized hole and hit the release lever that will free them and allow them to stop the dastardly Mayan calendar device that will destroy the world on October 6, 2012. L’anyhoodle, since Madson is hurt, no one can free the Reds from their sandy Mexican grave, and the world, as we know it, goes ka-boom before a World Series winner can be determined.
#2: Kim Jong-Eun, the new North Korean dictator, becomes fixated on the idea of international athletic respect, and demands that unless an athlete of his choosing from each country in the world comes to Pyongyang to give him a firm handshake, he will launch a nuclear attack on the world. Unbeknownst to either Kim, or the rest of the world, one of his closest advisors is actually a secret agent of FLURGZ, a secret multi-national crime syndicate that wants nothing more than to draw the globe into world war 3, and eventually overthrow all national governments. This agent, knowing of Madson’s minor injury, advises Kim to insist that Madson represent the U.S. in this international colloquium of hand shaking. Although Ryan gives it his best effort, the dictator is not satisfied and launches nuclear strikes against several strategic world capitals and military installations. The U.S. and its allies eventually wins the war, but the 2012 MLB season is cancelled as many of our brave players enroll in the armed services. As most able-bodied young men and women are sent to battle the makgeolli-swilling villains, baseball is taken up by robots, and the inaugural season of the All-American Robot Professional Baseball League starts up in mid-June of 2012. Plucky heroine-bot rootKit eventually leads the Rockford Perls to the League Championship after overcoming her sibling inferiority bug. More importantly, though, the Reds, in this scenario, do not win the World Series.
#3 Ryan Madson, while resting his ‘minor elbow irritation’ is at the spring training complex, enjoying in a very healthy snack – a banana. Unfortunately, his arm issues prevent him from accurately disposing of the banana peel. First baseman, MVP, and all-around handsome gentleman Joey Votto unfortunately does not notice this banana peel, slips, and hits his head on a nearby boar spear. Although he sustains no physical injuries, the cranial impact begins to wake long dormant memories, memories that reveal a shocking past – that Joey Votto is actually the lost Prince Joseph, the missing heir to the throne of Canada. Confused, Joey leaves the Reds to travel to Ottawa, and finds the Canadian monarchy badly in need of a steady, firm hand, like his. But he misses the game, and misses the freedom of travelling the open road. What will he choose – the duty of his bloodline and a nation of lumberjacks and mounties who need his leadership? Or the joy of green grass, sunshine, and worn leather gloves? Will he return to the girl of his dreams, or make a political marriage to the princess of New South Wales that will solidify an alliance that will make Canada great again?
…He chooses the Reds, obviously, but by the time he returns to the team, the Cardinals already have a firm hold on first place, as Chris Carpenter renounced his claim to the Duchy of Complainia back in late April (the castle was too damp and all the roads had potholes and the sun was in his eyes and he thinks someone put a pea under his twenty featherbeds). Clearly, this is the darkest, most terrible timeline.
So there you have it. I’m not saying that these scenarios are likely, but they are all definitely plausible. We all know the mainstream Reds media is just too cowardly to report on them. (More like LAME-stream media, amirite?). I, on the other hand, am dedicated to keeping you Reds fans informed, at any cost. As they say, knowledge is power. But, even I have to admit that outside of these three situations, I think we’re pretty safe.