We need a starting pitcher. Pretty much every Reds fan knows it. We allowed more runs

Like... maybe this guy, but 100 years younger?

than either the Brewers AND the Cardinals last season – and the Cardinals get Wainwright back. I know it’s still early. We’ve got three months before Ps and Cs report to spring training, but I’m already starting to feel desperate. Of course, the Reds could never have put up the money for CJ Wilson, and there’s a pretty long list of reasons that Yu Darvish is a bad fit for the Reds. On the other hand, Cahill would have been a nice addition. (We don’t REALLY need an ace, Cueto’s very good when he’s healthy – but an actual solid number 2 next year would be um…. good.)

But desperation-inspired craziness is already setting in. When I saw that D-train is signing with the Phillies, I was irrationally upset. I mean, D-train is a favorite of mine because he seems like a great guy – and we probably could have afforded the $1 million contract – but he’s not what we really need. He’d be a pretty good bullpen lefty or an bottom of the rotation guy – and we have those. And Andrew Brackman does not count.

I never really got that wish for destiny or whatever to bring you your soulmate, but these days, I can’t help but dreaming about that perfect pitcher to really cement the 2012 Reds as contenders. I know that pitcher isn’t out there – and anyone who comes close is unaffordable, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

Well, as long as it’s in song, right?

(Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung bung)

Mr. Sandman, bring us an ace

Make him the key to our pennant race

Give him a fastball that’s faster than sound

And tell him that his perfect team’s been found

 

Sandman, our rotation is rough

We’ll take anyone if he’s got the stuff

Please take pity on our team

Mr. Sandman, bring us a dream

 

Mr. Sandman, bring us a dream

Give him a windup like they’ve never seen

Give him control like Maddux or Cliff Lee

And we’ll love him unconditionally

 

 Mr. Sandman, bring us an ace

Before our season becomes a disgrace

Whether from Texas, Havana, or Tokyo

If he’s got a decent groundball ratio

 

Sandman, someone to start

A plus-plus sinker would steal all our hearts

So please turn on your magic beam

Mr. Sandman, bring us please, please, please

Mr. Sandman, bring us a dream.

I don’t know exactly a magic beam finds perfect boyfriends, but I hope it also works for baseball players.