If you are anything like me, you were on pins and needles all week waiting to see what was going to happen next on “Baseball Wives”. Wait, you weren’t? What? Well, you should have been, and here’s what you missed. Trust me, you won’t make that mistake twice.
<Insert obligatory clip of baseball>
We start the episode right where we left the last one…with Erika and Chantel yelling at each other at lunch. Chantel storms off. Anna says something that shockingly makes sense. End scene.
(All episode when they flash back to the ladies rehashing what went on after the fact, I was distracted by the large bird growing out of the side of Anna Benson’s head.)
This “bottom of the barrel” storyline gets old really fast, so I’m choosing to ignore it. Wake me up when Jordana starts stalking Nyjer Morgan again.
Fast-forward: Chantel and Tanya meet these two random dudes, Remus and Kris, for a double date at the batting cages – duh, they’re baseball wives. Obvi they’d go to the batting cages! We find out Remus is a plastic surgeon – which makes Chantel’s eyes light up, probably because she knows how crazy scary her boobs are. Kris owns a manufacturing business and a computer programming company – Tanya is not impressed (Kris, call me!). Kris passes “the batting cage test” according to Tanya – what? That’s a thing? He can hit a softball? Remus didn’t fare so well. He says something about being worried because he’s not sure his hands are insured for the batting cages. I already hate this guy. He also can’t hit a softball.
Next up, Anna takes Jordana, Tanya and Brooke to the gun range – where naturally they shoot machine guns (because clearly if you’ve never shot a gun before an automatic machine gun is where you begin). To quote Anna Benson:
“It was great to have a gun in my hand and everything, but I still prefer my husband.”
Uh, TMI? Jordana was imagining all of her ex-boyfriends while she was shooting…because she’s a crazy person. And Tanya was busy throwing herself at the instructor. There’s more to her story, but, well, it’s boring, so don’t waste your time.
Meanwhile, Chantel and Shayla (Kyle Farnsworth’s wife) go get pedicures and bad-mouth Anna. Apparently Chantel has some pent up anger over Anna calling one of her friends a “cleat chaser”. (Is anyone else starting to…umm…like Anna?)
Then Chantel goes to see Dr. Remus. This time at his office. Apparently the doc said he’d “look at her breast implants”. (Not so sure if this was how he wanted to see them?) They spend a lot of time talking about her boobs, naturally. (For the record, this who scene made me uncomfortable. She disrobes. He feels her boobs and tells her she needs to gain weight if she wants to look better.) She then asks him if she can do a botox party for her friends…while her robe is still open. He now seems uncomfortable (welcome to the club, Remus!) and mumbles “A botox party?”
“I may not want to screw him, but I’ll use him for his needle.”
She then uses the following statement to convince him to have the party:
“But it’ll be fun. And I feel like you need it. It’ll take all that like stiff remiss and. Like there’s a couple of girls that will like say things that will make you so offended, and you just gotta roll with it. You know what I mean.”
Boobs certainly have magical powers.
Later Chantel picks up Cheri Knoblauch (wife of Chuck Knoblauch) at the airport. We learn that Cheri is not going to “put up with fake people”. (This girl is real, y’all!) Blah, blah, blah, Anna’s bossy, blah, blah, blah, I need to eat, blah, blah, blah. They hatch up some plan that sounds super boring and end it with
“Watch out, Anna, there’s a new sheriff in town. You’re going down, b****.”
The show winds down with the girls agreeing to do a photo shoot for a charity calendar. All the girls go, including Cheri. They reiterate how much Cheri HATES Anna. Clearly, there will be a showdown and lots of hair pulling. I will accept no less. Cheri tells a story about how Anna called her a homewrecker to which Jordana replies:
“Umm did Anna never wreck a home when she was stripping. I’m pretty sure all the men in a strip club aren’t single.”
O.M.G. Boom. Roasted.
When Chantel and Cheri show up at the photo shoot ***Dramatic Music*** Anna acts disgusted. Anna and Cheri argue…yawn. Sorta boring.
But apparently this fight isn’t over. Alas, we must tune in next week to find out what other clever way Cheri’s going to call Anna the b-word. Curses!