Back in the day, wasn’t there a thing called myspace? Twelve year old girls could make their profiles play the Kim Possible theme song and glitter would follow the cursor around the screen? I can’t really remember.
Anyways, something like that existed once, and I’m sure it’s someone’s full-time government job to document and archive all of these things into some amazing super computer larger than twelve filing cabinets pushed end-to-end. (Don’t forget to pay your taxes, folks).
But if I should recall correctly, the phrase “Top 5″ comes to mind. And, well, regardless of whether or not “Top 5″ ever once was a thing, like the kind of thing that would be really helpful if your aim is to lose friends and alienate people, then hey, let’s try it out here. Major League Baseball can be just like Mean Girls… wait… I think I am on to something…
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:
Queen Bees And Wannabees: American League MVP Candidates
Robinson Cano as Kevin G
Face it… the guy has swagger. From his stats, to his swings, you can’t touch Robbie C! He slugged .550 with a batting average of .313 and 94 RBI.
Mike Trout as Cady Heron
Watch out please! Fresh meat coming through! I just don’t understand… He is a rookie and still like the coolest kid in school. And he is only 21 years old. He lead the league in runs scored (129) and stolen bases (49).
Miguel Cabrera as Aaron Samuels
Doesn’t his hair look sexy pushed back? Yeah, especially when Miggy’s wearing that Triple Crown. Cabrera lead the American League this season in batting average (.330), home runs (44), and RBI (139). It’s pretty obvious that everyone wants him. To win.
Josh Hamilton as Regina George
Josh Hamilton is pretty popular, he carries around his own bit of drama, doesn’t he? Especially with the whole free agent thing going down. Josh does car commercials in Japan. His hair is flawless. And Hamilton slugged .577, with 128 runs, and 103 RBI once. It was awesome.
Adrian Beltre as Glen Coco
Adrian is a likable guy… If we were giving out candy grams in this scenario, I predict Adrian would get four. One from each of the four other MVP Candidates. This season, he knocked out a sweet 36 dingers with an impressive batting average of .321.
And… for the record… Andrew McCutchen as Gretchen Wieners is the National League Honorary Queen Bee MVP Candidate… because his hair is full of secrets. And I read somewhere once that his dad invented toaster strudels.