Everyone’s favorite former baseball player, Jose Canseco, took to Twitter earlier this evening to post some New Year’s Resolutions.

Some were like everyone else’s: exercise, spend time with family. Others were, well, you will see for yourself.

We’re posting them backwards, like a Letterman Top 10. Enjoy!

Jose Canseco thinks he’s an A-Lister? Seriously?

Heh. Some good causes in there and then beer. Because, of course.

I’m assuming he means a movie deal for Juiced. And I’m sure Mr. Canseco would want to star in said movie.

Jose Canseco wants to make your life funner!

Hey Jose, before you are elected to any type of office, can you at least learn the difference between there and their? Thanks.

Okay, this one must happen. Someone please call Shaq now.

I don’t know about you but I would love to be a fly on the wall for those dinners. And I love how Jose thinks he can still play. It’s adorable of him, actually. I saw him in an independent league game in 2012 and while he was still a menacing presence at the plate because of his size, that was about the only positive he brought to the table along with name recognition.

Screwed how, Jose? Some people don’t want any help when that’s happening. It’s a private moment between two or three people depending on how freaky– Oh! You mean screwed over! Okay, my bad.

Like I said above, Jose doesn’t really need to get any stronger. He’s a big, hulking guy. In fact, getting stronger will not help his already slow bat speed if he wants to attempt to make a comeback.

Well, I can’t really rib him on this one. I hope he does get to see his daughter more.