Note: This article was written in an obvious tone
The Super Bowl is today! Yes today! The Ravens are the team representing the American Football Conference (that’s AFC to you humanoids).
They’ll be playing a team called the San Francisco 49ers, who are apparently named after some miners or something. This will be a big game for many reasons.
Of course, it will be the last game for linebacker Ray Lewis. Lewis will be retiring after 17 seasons in the league, all with Baltimore. The 37-year-old (who should start saying he’s really 39 so he can be like Jack Benny) will be a likely motivator for the team.
The Ravens will likely do anything they can to beat the 49ers. They might try to let Joe Flacco pass the ball. I hear that forward pass attack is still a thing.
Baltimore might also contemplate handing the ball off to Ray Rice. I say contemplate, because we all know the ghost of Cam Cameron still lingers in the Ravens playbook.
Defensively, the Ravens will likely try to keep 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick from running the offense. It might be tough, but if anyone can do it, the Ravens probably could. But the Ravens should be careful. San Francisco might try to dupe Baltimore into thinking Alex Smith is in at quarterback
The other story will be the sibling coaches on different sidelines. John Harbaugh, the protagonist if you’re a Baltimore fan, will coach the Ravens, while Jim Harbaugh (antagonistic) will coach for the 49ers.
Now Jim might try to get vengeance for all those years of wedgies, noogies and swirlies. But John probably wants to get some vengeance as well for all those times Jim kicked over his Lincoln Log houses (he made one that was really tall once, ya know).
Unfortunately, this is the first time sibling head coaches have faced each other in the Super Bowl. The American public was sadly denied having a Shula Bowl between Mike and Dave.
The closest thing we’ve had to a Sibling Bowl with important implications took place nearly 20 years ago between Kevin and Danny O’Shea. The plot doesn’t work exactly the same because I don’t think Junior Floyd can run the read option. Also, Icebox would likely be a concern in the league office for some of her hits.
Errmmm…but in order for the Ravens to win, they’ll need to make sure they’re ready for the big day (now for the fun part and part two.)
Noted author Joseph Conrad once said breakfast is the most important meal of the day and therefore should be eaten everyday.*
The Ravens will need to make sure they eat their breakfast today if they want to go out there and beat the 49ers later on. You can’t win football games on an empty stomach (well you probably could, but Joseph Conrad wouldn’t likely condone this.)
Thankfully for Baltimore, they are in New Orleans, which is a great place for food. Now if you’re still hungry after digesting Spilly’s Super Bowl pie, the team has options available to eat some good food.
The Ravens are staying at the Hilton Riverside, which seems like a nice place. Granted, it isn’t a Holiday Inn, but not every hotel can be one. The team can always eat at the Le Croissant Express, one of the restaurants in the Hilton. I hear they have a great breakfast buffet. I unfortunately can’t find a reliable menu for the place, but they likely have things like eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, and probably some other tasty things. The breakfast menu is available from 6-11 a.m.
There are of course other options for the team, like restaurants outside the hotel and near the Superdome. However, given that the entire team is likely to be eating together, it might be difficult for seating arrangements.
Plus, they might just go with the Sunday Brunch option. If it were me, I would eat plenty of eggs and hashbrowns. Of course, I’m not playing in the Super Bowl, nor am I coaching, nor am I associated with any team in the Super Bowl.
*Note: Joseph Conrad probably didn’t say this, but I’m sure he probably still ate his breakfast