I had pretty big expectations of this season’s Hard Knocks. I wrote a whole post about it! (To recap: beaches, naked Ocho, bromance, cheese). Now I feel it’s only right to watch the 2012 Hard Knocks, featuring the Miami Dolphins, and review it for you. Will it live up to my high expectations?
The Recap (of my emotions):
Five minutes in and I’m both giddily pleased and about to cry. Pleased because the Miami-themed intro fit several of my demands: an ice tub, bikini-clad girls running on the beach overlaid with Dolphins players running on the field, a grunt-filled workout montage. Sad because this show just started and already a rookie with funny hair* is being sent home. Each subsequent cut will hurt my heart just as much. But this show isn’t created for women who become emotionally attached to sports players, no, I’m pretty sure it’s made for MEN. Because let me tell you, there is plenty of cursing, fighting, and visor-wearing manliness to go around.
The Players (that I, after some prodding from the producers, decided to care about):
The Starting Quarterback. There are options: so there’s Matt Moore, the veteran who watches The Bachelorette and has a NEW BABY. Ryan Tannehill is the rookie, he only has dogs and does not discuss his TV viewing habits. Guess who I’m rooting for? (Hint: I like babies) There’s also David Garrard who earns the top QB spot on the depth chart (for now) but doesn’t get his baby highlighted (I had to Google him to find out he even had a baby! Shoddy work, HBO, just shoddy). Baby:
The Random Guy: Les Brown. Les is in here for all the dudes on their couches who played high school football and think they can play in the NFL, because that’s just what Les is doing. Favorite Les moment? When his significant female other shows up to tell him she watched practice with binoculars and he tells her she looks hot. Okay, that makes him sound kind of douchey, but ultimately we like Les and are rooting for him to make the roster. I mean, just look at this cute picture Google gave me:
The Class Clown: Chad Johnson (formerly Ochocinco). By this point, we all know what happened to Chad, and we feel terribly sorry for him when he says “no player wants to go out a joke.” Then we feel even worse because it turns out, he and the wifey met on Twitter, where they first hated each other. Then, last season when Chad wasn’t playing so hot, she wouldn’t let him score until he scored. So are we really surprised by how this turned out?? Bonus points to Chad for suggesting that if football doesn’t work out, a career in porn might. Foreshadowing?
My critiques (other than the slightly absurd masculinity of it all- so many hot wives and cheerleader shots)
This episode was almost longer than a football game. The glamour shots of the field as if it were the Amazon jungle were unnecessary. We all know what a field looks like. There was also a lot of talking without anything being said, and it was at times painful to watch. Coach Philbin, just tell Chad to stop swearing in press conferences, don’t talk at him for five minutes about proper language, and how to make curse words have meaning, and your door’s always open, and GAH is this talk over yet?
Emily’s Bottom Line
Episode One lived up to about a quarter of my lofty expectations and dragged on a bit, perhaps because I am not the intended viewer demographic. Episode Two, famous for Chad’s firing, better pick up the pace or I’m in danger of becoming one of those fans who leaves in the fourth quarter, or this guy (yep, of all the things, I decided to take a screen shot of this rookie sleeping:)
*Best part of the show? When the rookies had a slumber party and dyed each other’s hair. Adorable. (see above)
Emily Ritter is a contributing writer to Aerys Offsides. Follow her on Twitter @ebritter2.