In homage to last Wednesday’s post, I’d like to start this post off with Robert Griffin III.

RG3 IS #1!!

…#1 in single-season jersey sales that is! This data is based on sales on NFLShop.com. Here’s the full list:

And because I know you’re curious, the San Francisco 49ers finished on top for team sales (for the first time in over 30 years!) You can find all that data and more here.

In crazy-exciting news, Atlanta’s media has the power to bring NFL players back from the dead.

The power of the press! You can find more snark on the subject here.

And now for your DAILY LOL.
The best apology to come from an NFL, ever:

Alright let’s double-or-nothing this DAILY LOL! Kevin Kolb says ”I’m here to win a Super Bowl.” (Here being Buffalo.) My first reaction was “WHO? and WHERE?” but my second reaction was “HARD KNOCKS! Please put this guy and the Bills on Hard Knocks!” Keep your fingers crossed!

Emily Ritter is a contributing writer to Aerys Offsides. She’ll be recapping Hard Knocks for you again this season, so get excited. You can follow her absurdity on Twitter @ebritter2.

Finale time! I know you’re dying for some hard-hitting evaluation, but on this last review, I’m going to let the pictures do most of the talking. Just pretend you’re watching the episode with me.

This picture is everything I wanted from Hard Knocks this season: tattoos and ice tubs. Thanks super-fast Clyde Gates! Sadly, he’s traded to the Jets. Just when a girl starts to like a playa!

REALLY? Jarrell Root, your bromance with Chas fizzled because he was cut and you immediately move on to Isaako Aaitui? I guess the guy’s got some sweet guitar skills, but it seems a little sudden. I can’t stay mad at Root for too long though because he’s hilarious, and gets a lot of air time. Sadly, after an injury in the final preseason game, Root is waived. Aitui’s fate is similarily unlucky as he is traded to the Jets (and, this isn’t on the show, but he gets injured and waived too). Hard Knocks clearly has something against bromances. Maybe they’ll start a band!! » Continue reading “Hard Knocks, Episode Five Recap”

This episode was a vast improvement over the last. Why? THIS:

Slow-motion, shirtless O-linemen, right after a fight with the D-linemen. I asked for more tattoo shots, didn’t I? Thank you HBO.*

 Quick character updates:

Coach Philbin is such an awkward dad. Les Brown still can’t block. Chris Hogan is the new star, nicknamed 7-11 because he’s open all night.

The QB’s: They finally show David Garrard’s baby!!! And then two minutes later, he’s injured and no longer the starting QB. Rude. However, through all this, David G stays super positive and could definitely teach some of the other plays something about having a good attitude.  Ryan Tannehill is not a terrible singer, and his wife continues to be hot, but bumps it up a notch and volunteers Ryan to sign some stuff for Special Olympics, so women everywhere can’t hate her. Matt Moore’s baby is not shown and he remains adorably oblivious to most things.

Chad Johnson. This is what you’ve been waiting for: the car wreck you can’t look away from. He gets fired after head-butting his wife, and we get to watch it happen. (It should be noted that he keeps it together really well…and has a lot of nice shoes).

Emily’s bottom line:

The pacing was better in this second episode and there were a lot of good personal stories mixed in with the training montages. However, the slo-mo cheerleaders dancing in the rain shot we could have done without. This rainy scene provided the best line of the show however, when Mrs. Ryan Tannehill says, “this is dedication” while watching her man play in the preseason game. Dudes with sports tattoos and glass eyes everywhere snort in derision. And final bottom line, white pants are awkward.

*Double thanks are in order when the players continue their tradition of doing each other’s hair. More inappropriate than adorable this time, but I’ll take it.

Emily Ritter is a contributing writer to Aerys Offsides. Follow her on Twitter @ebritter2. 

I had pretty big expectations of this season’s Hard Knocks. I wrote a whole post about it! (To recap: beaches, naked Ocho, bromance, cheese). Now I feel it’s only right to watch the 2012 Hard Knocks, featuring the Miami Dolphins, and review it for you. Will it live up to my high expectations?

 Episode One

The Recap (of my emotions):

Five minutes in and I’m both giddily pleased and about to cry. Pleased because the Miami-themed intro fit several of my demands: an ice tub, bikini-clad girls running on the beach overlaid with Dolphins players running on the field, a grunt-filled workout montage. Sad because this show just started and already a rookie with funny hair* is being sent home. Each subsequent cut will hurt my heart just as much. But this show isn’t created for women who become emotionally attached to sports players, no, I’m pretty sure it’s made for MEN. Because let me tell you, there is plenty of cursing, fighting, and visor-wearing manliness to go around.

 The Players (that I, after some prodding from the producers, decided to care about):

The Starting Quarterback. There are options: so there’s Matt Moore, the veteran who watches The Bachelorette and has a NEW BABY. Ryan Tannehill is the rookie, he only has dogs and does not discuss his TV viewing habits. Guess who I’m rooting for? (Hint: I like babies) There’s also David Garrard who earns the top QB spot on the depth chart (for now) but doesn’t get his baby highlighted (I had to Google him to find out he even had a baby! Shoddy work, HBO, just shoddy). Baby:

 The Random Guy: Les Brown. Les is in here for all the dudes on their couches who played high school football and think they can play in the NFL, because that’s just what Les is doing. Favorite Les moment? When his significant female other shows up to tell him she watched practice with binoculars and he tells her she looks hot. Okay, that makes him sound kind of douchey, but ultimately we like Les and are rooting for him to make the roster. I mean, just look at this cute picture Google gave me:

The Class Clown: Chad Johnson (formerly Ochocinco). By this point, we all know what happened to Chad, and we feel terribly sorry for him when he says “no player wants to go out a joke.” Then we feel even worse because it turns out, he and the wifey met on Twitter, where they first hated each other. Then, last season when Chad wasn’t playing so hot, she wouldn’t let him score until he scored. So are we really surprised by how this turned out?? Bonus points to Chad for suggesting that if football doesn’t work out, a career in porn might. Foreshadowing?

My critiques (other than the slightly absurd masculinity of it all- so many hot wives and cheerleader shots)

This episode was almost longer than a football game. The glamour shots of the field as if it were the Amazon jungle were unnecessary. We all know what a field looks like. There was also a lot of talking without anything being said, and it was at times painful to watch. Coach Philbin, just tell Chad to stop swearing in press conferences, don’t talk at him for five minutes about proper language, and how to make curse words have meaning, and your door’s always open, and GAH is this talk over yet?

Emily’s Bottom Line

Episode One lived up to about a quarter of my lofty expectations and dragged on a bit, perhaps because I am not the intended viewer demographic. Episode Two, famous for Chad’s firing, better pick up the pace or I’m in danger of becoming one of those fans who leaves in the fourth quarter, or this guy (yep, of all the things, I decided to take a screen shot of this rookie sleeping:)

*Best part of the show? When the rookies had a slumber party and dyed each other’s hair. Adorable. (see above)

Emily Ritter is a contributing writer to Aerys Offsides. Follow her on Twitter @ebritter2.

For those of you who don’t know, Hard Knocks is an HBO and NFL Films reality TV series that follows an NFL team through training camp. It’s narrated with the same  dramatic overtones of every show on Animal Planet, interspersed with dramatic music and awkward pep-talks. There’s nothing to not love.