Finale time! I know you’re dying for some hard-hitting evaluation, but on this last review, I’m going to let the pictures do most of the talking. Just pretend you’re watching the episode with me.

This picture is everything I wanted from Hard Knocks this season: tattoos and ice tubs. Thanks super-fast Clyde Gates! Sadly, he’s traded to the Jets. Just when a girl starts to like a playa!

REALLY? Jarrell Root, your bromance with Chas fizzled because he was cut and you immediately move on to Isaako Aaitui? I guess the guy’s got some sweet guitar skills, but it seems a little sudden. I can’t stay mad at Root for too long though because he’s hilarious, and gets a lot of air time. Sadly, after an injury in the final preseason game, Root is waived. Aitui’s fate is similarily unlucky as he is traded to the Jets (and, this isn’t on the show, but he gets injured and waived too). Hard Knocks clearly has something against bromances. Maybe they’ll start a band!! » Continue reading “Hard Knocks, Episode Five Recap”

(Recaps for Episode One and Two here)

Do you guys remember that TV show, Big Comfy Couch? Because Episode 3 is clearly paying homage to it with all the time we spend on Coach P’s couch.

Couch highlights of this episode:

We learn there is a vast difference between how the rookies act, and how the veterans and leaders on the team act. The episode begins with Reggie Bush, Karlos Dansby, and Jake Long meeting with Coach Philbin (on his coach of course) to form an unofficial leadership club to create better communication between the players and coaches. They’re like the Mutant Ninja Turtles, sans Donatello (Chad Johnson) who was already fired. Smartly trying to keep the shells on their backs. Raphael (Reggie Bush) who had been relatively quiet all season, makes it clear throughout this episode that he’s in Miami to personally grow and lead the team. He does not specify if he wants to lead against other mutant aliens, but it’s implied.

My favorite veteran however was the only guy to sit in Coach P’s chair rather than on his couch. Eric Steinbach has been in the NFL for a while, and knows how to honestly talk to the coaches. It’s all refreshing straight-forward talk in these two meetings:

Finally, the news you’ve all been waiting for via the couch: Ryan Tannehill pulls ahead in the QB race over Matt Moore. Pat Devlin is also introduced as the new 3^rd string QB but doesn’t get to sit on the coach because of it.

Highlights not on the couch:

The preseason game against the Panthers was a loss but did feature a touchdown drive by Tannehill, lovingly narrated by a miked Offensive Coordinator Mike Sherman on the sidelines, who called the drive “like giving birth.”

While the rookies have not yet reached Mutant Ninja Turtle status, they do throw a mean talent show, and I liked that they’re willing to laugh at each other, and more importantly, themselves.

Emily’s Bottom Line

A good episode, but I have a few suggestions. If you’re going to play “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” during warm-ups, don’t be content with a few guys singing along. I want a flashmob next time. Yeah, I see you guys with your neat footwork, step it up a notch and DANCE! And finally, if you’re going to use glamorous Miami songs in a montage, always go with Will Smith. Always.

Emily Ritter is a contributing writer to Aerys Offsides and clearly grew up in the 90s. Follow her on Twitter @ebritter2.

Oh Ocho. In just a few days, his wife broke up with him, his football team broke up with him, and his reality TV show broke up with him.

“It just wasn’t going to work” and “it just didn’t feel right,” says his (former) coach Joe Philbin of the Miami Dolphins. In short, Chad Johnson (formerly the infamous Ochocinco) got triple dumped. (To be perfectly honest, I’m just assuming his wife dumped him. People Magazine is reporting Ev has filed for divorce after 41 days of marriage. That tidbit keeps getting overshadowed by the others).

Why? I’m sure you’ve heard the story by now. He head-butted his wife. Domestic abuse is certainly no joking matter, but head butting your new wife? That’s downright idiotic.

There are plenty of fishy things about this story that will continue to make it a story. Why did he have that receipt for condoms in his car that caused the argument (for this girl?)?  TMZ helpfully pointed out that this was a plot point on a past reality TV show appearance by Chad and his wife (pre-marriage). See the video here.

Many people suggested that this was just a ploy to get more viewers for their upcoming reality show. But then the show was canceled, just as people started to get interested. (I mean, I’d watch it!) I can imagine the director calling him up: “Chad, If you’re gonna fight with the wife, save it for the cameras and make sure nobody gets sent to the ER. You blew this one…we need to break up.” The Dolphins are also filming Hard Knocks this preseason. Maybe we’d all start head butting each other with that many cameras around.

Either way, something went terribly wrong that night, and Chad’s fall was swift and the repercussions were harsh. Of course, this means even more people know his name now. Ironic, yes?

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And finally, some food for thought: what exactly does and NFL player have to do to be kicked off his team? In the Olympics, one wrong tweet got you kicked off your national team. But in the NFL, misdemeanors like DUI’s only seem to require a public apology. Perhaps the NFL and its teams should make it clearer what it expects from its players, and what sort of punishment those players can expect for not following those rules.

And as fans, if we expect only good behavior from our role models but only report the bad behavior, aren’t we just encouraging it?

Alright, off the soapbox. I need to go watch Hard Knocks now…if Chad needs ideas of what to do post-NFL, the suggestions I had for T.O. work eerily well!

Emily Ritter is a contributing writer to Aerys Offsides. Follow her on Twitter @ebritter2.

Upon scouring the Interwebs today, I’ve found a few things I’d love to share with you! So sit back, put your drink down and let’s talk!

According to the fine people at SBNation’s Stampede Blue, rookie quarterback Andrew Luck is a shy guy. See what I mean…

Andrew Luck and his buff, not shy teammates. Via the Instagram account of Donnie Avery

Yeah, I get it. He’s the new guy. He’s a little shy around his new teammates. Maybe he doesn’t have the washboard abs. The look, if you will. But he’s working out with some fit NFL dudes. And, he needs to at least show some confidence. For Andrew’s sake, he’ll channel this look some day and remember he was the number one pick in the 2012 NFL Draft and have the confidence a top QB should have! » Continue reading “Sunday Mix Up: Trolls, Polls And More”

For those of you who don’t know, Hard Knocks is an HBO and NFL Films reality TV series that follows an NFL team through training camp. It’s narrated with the same  dramatic overtones of every show on Animal Planet, interspersed with dramatic music and awkward pep-talks. There’s nothing to not love.

Chad Ochocinco confirmed via OCNN that he will sign with the Miami Dolphins after a workout with the team on Monday.

According to ESPN’s Adam Schefter, the deal is for one year.

We will update this story as more information becomes available.

Miranda Remaklus is lead writer for Aerys Offsides. She’s also a contributor to Aaron Miles’ Fastball in the MLB section. Follow her on Twitter, @missmiranda. 

1. Illegible tweets. Was your purpose with that tweet to make me feel smarter with all that poor grammar? Were you trying to mystify your thousands of followers with all of those abbreviations? Because it worked! No but really, what did that tweet mean? These frequent garbled tweets make me realize that even though your hair is way cooler than mine and you earn a lot more money, you’re still human. I like that.

2. Boring pictures. Here’s looking at you dogs/meals/girlfriends. All the things I pretend not to care about because it has nothing to do with football, but click to see the pictures anyway. Because you never know, it could be a shot of cute kittens sitting on hard-rock abs. NFL players are unpredictable. One time a favorite player of mine tweeted a picture of him riding a carousel- the same carousel my sister and I pretend we’re not too old to ride every time we go to the zoo. These moments are why I follow.

Me (last June):

Favorite NFL player (last July):

3. Self promotion/blatant product placement/taking themselves too seriously. I follow Lord Voldemort on Twitter, and he always warns me when he’s promoting something. Pretty nice for the Dark Lord. Why can’t football players be required to do this? 140 characters doesn’t cut down ego size like you think it would. But then I remember I blatantly self-promote too, so it’s totally fine.

4. Trash talking. Football players definitely rival soccer players for being the most outlandish defenders of themselves via Twitter. They trash talk you, your mom, their teammates, their fans, their team, the other team, bad referees, Roger Goodell, Roger Goodell’s mom. You get the picture. Everybody loves watching a good fight unfold  (it’s why I watch hockey).

Ochocinco (now at handle @ochocinco) is always a winner in this department. Here’s a classic (snagged from here, which conveniently demonstrates #1 as well…what is happening?):

5. Retweets. These usually happen all at once when a player is waiting for a flight or using the bathroom. Cons: twitter-feed clog and a guilt-trip for you not supporting all those charities. Pros: one day, they might just retweet YOU! On a similar note, am I the only person out there who doesn’t want to trend on twitter before they die? Good thing so many players are nicer people than me. Plz RT this. Thx.

March 6th will go down as a pretty boring day in the NFL, am I right? Oh wait….Did something happen? There is that whole “bounty” situation down in New Orleans. And then there is some break-up happening with the Colts.  They are releasing some player named Manning?

But the REAL story of March 6th is NFL off-season drug testing, and there’s a lot of it!  Players have been tweeting about their random tests, and mostly, the positive drug results are only for EXCELLENCE!

Chad Ochocinco got tested not ONCE, but TWICE (don’t know the reasoning of that)! And he tweeted some AWESOME play-by-play. » Continue reading “NFL Players Test Positive for Excellence?”

 For more Fantasy Football Tips make sure to check back throughout the week! Have any specific questions? You can submit your questions to be featured in next week’s mailbag by tweeting @KristineReese, @RoarBlackNTeal or @Aerys_NFL. You can also submit your questions on Facebook.