The NFL’s official description of the Rookie Symposium sounded pretty boring. So I reimagined it as Rookie Summer Camp, using the NFL guidelines. NFL, you are welcome to use this schedule for 2013.
8:00-9:30 Team Building
Wear your team colors and bring your game face for icebreakers as you get to know your cabin (and future team) mates. Includes the ever-popular Two Truths and a Lie and the not-to-be-missed Trust Falls.
10:00-11:30 Just Say No
Your team will compete against the other teams in your league to see who can create the best play or music video to discover the risks of abusing no-no substances such as drugs, alcohol, and weapons.
1:00-2:30 The Birds and The Bees
This workshop promises to teach you everything your mom didn’t.
Afternoon snack: bananas
3:00-4:30 Money Matters
Join our poker game to learn the pitfalls of gambling and the importance of responsible personal finance.
Enjoy our Key Note Speaker over a large dinner in the Mess Hall. Hear first-hand that everything you want to do with your new-found money and fame is probably a bad idea.
8:00-9:30 Live Like a Pro
How to dress, act, eat, and tweet like a pro-footballer.
10:00-11:30 Service Project
Getting involved in the community is important in the NFL, and our gracious host, Camp Sherwood, has plenty of walking paths that need clearing.
1:00-2:30 Fan Relations
Bring your own sharpie- we’ll be practicing autographs and doing fan role-play with experienced NFL players so that you’ll know how to properly treat your new fans.
3:00-4:30 Anger Management
Guest-speaker Charlie Sheen will teach you how to put any leftover football aggression into healthier pastimes.
7:00-9:00 Talent Show
Here’s your best chance to try out your new touchdown dance moves.
8:00-9:30 Acting Class
Start your morning with a little media relations. You’ll get to practice your TV face, your radio voice, and your cereal-box stance.
10:00-11:30 Staying Humble
We don’t want anyone getting a big head from Acting Class, so this session will let you think up hilarious and only slightly-demeaning nicknames for your fellow rookies.
1:00-2:30 League Policies
By far the most exciting workshop, you’ll get the highlights of NFL politics while doing crafts.
3:00-4:30 Driver’s Ed
Race against your teammates in this driving game, but remember to stay sober and under the speed limit or you’re automatically fined $5000 and have to issue a formal apology.
Say your farewells before your agent comes to pick you up. Don’t worry- you’ll see your new friends again soon at Training Camp!
Emily Ritter is a contributing writer to Aerys Offsides. Follow her on Twitter, @ebritter2. Special thanks to Offsides writer @Oh_No_Romo for suggesting summer camp. We welcome your tweets about s’mores.