Episode four is all about CUTS. CUTS and getting lost at sea.
I’d be wrong not to mention couches again, and this time, it’s GM Jeff Ireland’s Miami-blue couch that gets all the attention. Let’s call it the Firing Couch of Doom. (That’s veteran Eric Steinbach with him who, despite being a crowd favorite last episode, chooses to retire.)
It’s a good thing this show only has five episodes, because by the end of this episode, the Miami Dolphins have cut nearly all their main characters. At this point, it’s not just bad luck that the Hard Knocks producers are highlighting players who will later be cut; they’re obviously doing it on purpose now (got to find a story line somewhere I suppose).
Take Jarrell Root and Chas Alecxih for example. They’re set up as the perfect bromance:
But by the end of the episode, Chas is voted off the island and sent home. And this even comes after the harrowing tale of how Chas barely escaped dying one time after he jumped off his jet ski and was lost at sea for eight hours. Doesn’t sound funny, but you should hear it how Matt Moore and Ryan Tannehill tell it to their QB coach and try not to laugh. Best tag-team story telling I’ve heard in a while.
Speaking of our fearless quarterback leaders, Ryan Tannehill knows less about his NFL divisions than I do (I mean, at least I have a general idea of direction). Just a heads up for all KC Chiefs fans out there, we’re now playing in the NFC East. But don’t worry, his wife is still hot (she’s on the left, Jake Long‘s wife is on the right):
And Ryan knows how to make an impressive secret handshake:
And at least with our QBs, we don’t have to worry about them being cut, and they provide endless entertainment.
The Lester (as Les Brown calls himself) is a different story. Just as we’ve cemented our love for him as the hardworking underdog, he’s cut. My fingers are crossed that he’s back next season (on whatever team Hard Knocks chooses to focus on of course. I could use more Lester in my life).
Emily’s Bottom Line:
To close, some disbelief on my part. NFL teams are multi-million dollar companies and they trade players via text message??? And then they tell the guy about it like this: “the rumors are true, we just traded you.” Poor Vontae Davis, after three years with the Dolphins, all he can say is, “I need to call my grandma.”
NFL, you are a cruel, cruel lover. But love you, we do. Oh, and the Dolphins lost their third pre-season game. I guess that’s important.
Emily Ritter is a contributing writer to Aerys Offsides and has been dating the NFL on and off for nearly ten years. Follow her on Twitter @ebritter2.