A Letter To Prince Fielder

Dear Prince Fielder,

Credit: Chicken Fried Baseball

I’m writing on behalf of the Seattle Mariners, their die-hard fans, and the hoards of shiny, new, fairweather fans included in your upcoming contract with the M’s. It’s no secret that we’d all appreciate your presence at Safeco Field. We’ll pull out all the stops—packing the stadium on weekday afternoons, naming a concessions item after you (Fielder Fries, anyone?), and even embracing the “Beast Mode,” should you choose to bring it with you from Milwaukee.

In return, all we ask is that you get us to the postseason. I know, the last time you played against a team carried by Albert Pujols, things didn’t end that well. But we can be different. We have the speed of Ichiro, the fastball of King Felix, and the power of, well, you. Our crop of promising young rookies will add some pep, and you can teach them crazy animalistic moves during the season to really intimidate the competition.

Don’t forget: you already like us. I heard from Greg Johns that your agent, Scott Boras, thinks that Mariners fans “really, really support the team.” Our attendance record may not back up his comment, but rest assured that many of us are watching every at bat from the warmth of our couches and sports bars.

Come to Seattle. Pack up your .299 average, your 170 hits and 95 runs, and join the Mariners. And if, for some inconceivable reason, you choose to make another city your new home, do us all a favor: stay away from Texas.



One thought on “A Letter To Prince Fielder

  1. [...] trade rumor. Cry when a more deserving team takes “your” player every time. [See: Prince Fielder.] 7. Adopt the phrase “it’ll happen next year.” Use it liberally. 8. Cheer [...]

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