So I’ve been kind of a bitch lately, on pretty much every level. And while basking in my rockin’ bitchitude last night and pondering the state of my life, I realized that I have absolutely no blame whatsoever in the current state of my psyche. You see, everything I don’t like about myself (not to mention everything YOU don’t like about me) is the fault of the Chicago Cubs. No really. Check it out.
1. I’ve lost the ability to trust: Blame it on the collapse in Game 6, blame it on the collapse in Game 7, blame it on 4 years of hearing about Wood’s “day-to-day” status. Whichever way you cut it, I regard all comers with a suspicious eye these days, and I blame thirty-plus years of watching the best laid plans crumble like a day-old cookie.
2. I no longer have faith in modern medicine: I don’t know how a strained achilles tendon wound up ruining Mark Prior’s shoulder and ending his career, but if doctors can’t stop your leg tendons from ravaging the rest of your body, I have serious concerns about my lingering ankle injury. When my ankle eventually goes on a rager, I just hope it chooses something OTHER than my boobs to mangle.
3. I no longer trust my instincts: I used to have really good instincts. Okay, not Colombo instincts, but at least Nancy Drew/Encyclopedia Brown instincts. But after twenty consecutive years of “I know everyone is counting them out, but I really think they have a chance!”, I’m starting to wonder about myself.
4. I no longer trust what I know about baseball: For example, I never thought it was possible to get thrown out on a walk. And yet, there it was, starting me in the face. Thanks, Ronny Cedeno
5. I have problems with authority: I can trace the origins of this problem back to the decision of Dusty Baker to leave Mark Prior in a game he had clearly lost control of. At that moment, I wanted to punch Dusty Baker in the face, and I’ve fought with all my bosses since that day. The end.
6. I no longer have emotional/personal boundaries: Do you know how I know this? I know it because yesterday I found myself feeling sorry for the St. Louis Cardinals for signing Ronny Cedeno. I know, I know. No one deserves to have Ronny Cedeno walk and squawk and lay an egg in between 2B and 3B more than the Cardinals. But still, does anyone ever really deserve Ronny Cedeno? I’ve begun to doubt.
7. I’ve become a very specific racist: I hate short, white, middle-infielders from Louisiana with French-sounding names who went to LSU.
8. I no longer have respect or reverence for anything: There is nothing in the Negro Leagues Hall of Fame that is supposed to make you laugh. From the intolerable Cap Anson quotes to Josh Gibson’s jersey to the photos of African-Americans playing baseball in Guadalcanal even though they couldn’t play in the major leagues, the whole experience is one, giant exercise in suppressing rage and guilt. But, as God as my witness, when I saw the Neifi Perez signed baseball next to the Nelson Mandela and Buck O’Neil signed baseball, I laughed. So help me, I laughed.
9. I’ve become an intellectual dullard: The ability to reach out, around the world, via the internet, is perhaps the greatest innovation in human history. With a few clicks of my mouse, I can learn about anything, talk to anyone anywhere in the world. There is more information and knowledge available to me online than I could absorb in 10 lifetimes. But what do I use the internet for? I use it to pick fights with people who say thing like “Get Ryan Theriot and Tony Campana on this team, and then we’d have a chance.”
10. I’ve become everything I once hated: There was a time when I was actually considered and optimistic Cubs fan. There was also a time when love was blind, and the world was a song, and the song was exciting. There was a time when it all went wrong. A friend informed me the other day that, in the Cubs blogosphere, I’m the “snarky” Cubs writer. In that moment, I realized it’s true. I’ve become exactly the kind of Cubs blogger I used to hate: the bloggers who were always negative, who seemed to hate their own team, who always had a reason why something wouldn’t work, rather than why it might. I am ruined, and it’s the Cubs’ fault. And who will want me now? WHO? I ask you? WHO?!?!?!?
The Cubs stunk up the joint yesterday, losing to the Rangers 3-2. At first glance, that doesn’t seem terrible, but check out Hisanori Takahashi’s line: 3IP, 5H. 3R, 3ER, 2BB, 4K, 1 HR 5.14. I should also add that teams are hitting .320 off him. Also, the only person who really hit anything was Junior Lake.
The Cubs take on the hated White Sox this afternoon, and you can listen to the whole thing on WGN radio, or via the MLB.com audio feed. Carlos Villaneuva will start for the Cubs.
Finally, we’re trying to welcome some new members into the LOHO community ahead of the upcoming season, so, if you are so inclined, please share this post via social media channels. And thanks!