So I’ve been kind of a bitch lately, on pretty much every level. And while basking in my rockin’ bitchitude last night and pondering the state of my life, I realized that I have absolutely no blame whatsoever in the current state of my psyche. You see, everything I don’t like about myself (not to mention everything YOU don’t like about me) is the fault of the Chicago Cubs. No really. Check it out.
Enjoy your borderline personality disorder!
1. I’ve lost the ability to trust: Blame it on the collapse in Game 6, blame it on the collapse in Game 7, blame it on 4 years of hearing about Wood’s “day-to-day” status. Whichever way you cut it, I regard all comers with a suspicious eye these days, and I blame thirty-plus years of watching the best laid plans crumble like a day-old cookie.
2. I no longer have faith in modern medicine: I don’t know how a strained achilles tendon wound up ruining Mark Prior’s shoulder and ending his career, but if doctors can’t stop your leg tendons from ravaging the rest of your body, I have serious concerns about my lingering ankle injury. When my ankle eventually goes on a rager, I just hope it chooses something OTHER than my boobs to mangle.
3. I no longer trust my instincts: I used to have really good instincts. Okay, not Colombo instincts, but at least Nancy Drew/Encyclopedia Brown instincts. But after twenty consecutive years of “I know everyone is counting them out, but I really think they have a chance!”, I’m starting to wonder about myself.
4. I no longer trust what I know about baseball: For example, I never thought it was possible to get thrown out on a walk. And yet, there it was, starting me in the face. Thanks, Ronny Cedeno
5. I have problems with authority: I can trace the origins of this problem back to the decision of Dusty Baker to leave Mark Prior in a game he had clearly lost control of. At that moment, I wanted to punch Dusty Baker in the face, and I’ve fought with all my bosses since that day. The end.
6. I no longer have emotional/personal boundaries: Do you know how I know this? I know it because yesterday I found myself feeling sorry for the St. Louis Cardinals for signing Ronny Cedeno. I know, I know. No one deserves to have Ronny Cedeno walk and squawk and lay an egg in between 2B and 3B more than the Cardinals. But still, does anyone ever really deserve Ronny Cedeno? I’ve begun to doubt.
7. I’ve become a very specific racist: I hate short, white, middle-infielders from Louisiana with French-sounding names who went to LSU.
8. I no longer have respect or reverence for anything: There is nothing in the Negro Leagues Hall of Fame that is supposed to make you laugh. From the intolerable Cap Anson quotes to Josh Gibson’s jersey to the photos of African-Americans playing baseball in Guadalcanal even though they couldn’t play in the major leagues, the whole experience is one, giant exercise in suppressing rage and guilt. But, as God as my witness, when I saw the Neifi Perez signed baseball next to the Nelson Mandela and Buck O’Neil signed baseball, I laughed. So help me, I laughed.
9. I’ve become an intellectual dullard: The ability to reach out, around the world, via the internet, is perhaps the greatest innovation in human history. With a few clicks of my mouse, I can learn about anything, talk to anyone anywhere in the world. There is more information and knowledge available to me online than I could absorb in 10 lifetimes. But what do I use the internet for? I use it to pick fights with people who say thing like “Get Ryan Theriot and Tony Campana on this team, and then we’d have a chance.”
10. I’ve become everything I once hated: There was a time when I was actually considered and optimistic Cubs fan. There was also a time when love was blind, and the world was a song, and the song was exciting. There was a time when it all went wrong. A friend informed me the other day that, in the Cubs blogosphere, I’m the “snarky” Cubs writer. In that moment, I realized it’s true. I’ve become exactly the kind of Cubs blogger I used to hate: the bloggers who were always negative, who seemed to hate their own team, who always had a reason why something wouldn’t work, rather than why it might. I am ruined, and it’s the Cubs’ fault. And who will want me now? WHO? I ask you? WHO?!?!?!?
The Cubs stunk up the joint yesterday, losing to the Rangers 3-2. At first glance, that doesn’t seem terrible, but check out Hisanori Takahashi’s line: 3IP, 5H. 3R, 3ER, 2BB, 4K, 1 HR 5.14. I should also add that teams are hitting .320 off him. Also, the only person who really hit anything was Junior Lake.
The Cubs take on the hated White Sox this afternoon, and you can listen to the whole thing on WGN radio, or via the MLB.com audio feed. Carlos Villaneuva will start for the Cubs.
Finally, we’re trying to welcome some new members into the LOHO community ahead of the upcoming season, so, if you are so inclined, please share this post via social media channels. And thanks!
#10 is the reason I keep coming back. This place is right up there with the Ministry of Funny Walks in terms of creating a bright spot in my life. Being a disabled Veteran isn’t always the easiest thing to deal with (the unemployability of my disability, feelings of isolation, thinking no one else has it as bad as you do, etc), but laughing at the misfortune of the Cubs with other fans is as close to group therapy as we’re going to find for the newest disorder in the DSM- Cubbiphilia (defined as an irrational exuberance in the face of 100 years of contradictory data.)
Like or Dislike:
6
I wanna buy you a beer. Or 3.
I guess I was expecting this team to play better in spring training…mainly because I thought our minor leaguers would be a bit better than most other teams minor leaguers.
I was wrong…and if anything, the state of the pitching in the Cubs farm system is still absolutely horrible.
Hopefully some of the pitchers they have drafted and acquired over the last year will help change this, but I’m starting to wonder if another 100 loss season is actually in the cards here…especially after Rizzo gets hurt playing in the WBC.
I don’t feel sorry for the Cardinals…so I still have that. Most of these other points…yeah…I feel the same way.
So, first, bravo – this is one of my favorite things I’ve ever read about the Cubs. This should (god I hate this phrase) go “viral.”
Second, I think that while they all resonate, #9 is the biggest factor for me. Followed by, and closely related to, #7.
So with Rafael Furcal out for pretty much the season…I really think the Cardinals should try to sign Ryan Theriot to fill in at shortstop…with Cedeño as his backup.
I agree. And Ronny can be his backup.
… with Fontenot as 2nd backup. I’d LOL.
Small sample size and whatnot, but Theriot does have two World Series rings since he quit showing up to the Cubs Spring Training Camp.
Which just inflates his already overinflated ego.
Yeah, I’m calling it karma. Dude goes from being not good enough to stick around as a backup on one of the worst teams in baseball to getting Playoff and World Series Bonuses.
Perhaps the universe is trying to show us through Theriot that salvation is possible once you repent and never look back. The alternative is an afterlife of feeling forsaken since God is almost assuredly a Cardinals fan coupled with watching the etherial body of Mark Grace asking your overweight cousin if she’s ever heard of a slumpbuster.
We need you to contribute here more often.
This post is great on so many levels
You are, of course, talking about the Tao of Theriot…
Oh no. This is Theriotveda Buddhism. Like Doc suggested the goal is to grow your ego to a size that it destroys desire. The reason it never really caught on outside of Louisiana is that the desire it destroys is the desire of others to spend time with you.
My very 1st thought.
I wasn’t going to say it and I’m glad you did.
Looks like we signed another Cuban pitcher
I haven’t seen anything come across anywhere? Who? Link?
Kids name is Armando Rivero. From what I gather he’s a power pitcher who will start in AA and should be in our bullpen fairly soon as he’s pretty polished. Throws mid 90′s with 3 good pitches. Of course this is all subjective and a matter of opinion from the material I’ve read this am.
John broke it all down, at 1:07 am, no less:
http://www.chicagonow.com/cubs-den/2013/03/cubs-sign-cuban-fireballer-armando-rivero/
That will solve EVERYTHING
Just some friendly advice from someone that likes you and what you do. Chill a bit with the snark as its almost to the point of over the top and its beginning to be a major turn off for me at least from a reader standpoint. Just seems its getting to the point of no matter who says what, your reaction is negative. We share your frustrations, believe me we do.
Again I like your work an awful lot and read your material almost daily.
?
I reads visit site for the snarkiness.
What did I say?
See Julie. You still have loads of optimism left.
“Committed”
The Cubs have been thinking along the same lines as Julie today. That is this year’s new ad campaign message.
I relate to so many of those items, except I can’t blame the Cubs for #1,#2, . Those I can blame on a crappy father,being baptised a Catholic,and growing up during Watergate.The rest I blame on cable- the first day we had cable in our home town I watched 5 hours of MTV,changed the channel to WGN, and discovered the Cubs. Prior to that I was a warm/luke-warm A’s/Yankees fan, the main link to those teams being Billy Martin.The mixed blessing of not getting to watch the Cubs being aweful was watching the Angels stars miss fly balls a 10-year old can catch, and watching the Dodgers famous pitchers suck. So my expectations of the Cubs are going to be preety low this year. But I still tune in on the Internet, and keep passing the word about LOHO/Aerys Sports…
And, if it weren’t for all the stuff I learned from Ron Santos, I would have been totally petrified and full of self-pity when they told me I had Diabetes in 2008. Thanks to coach I knew it was something you could take care of, and not to just take insulin shots and give up…
So after reading about this new cuban pitcher we signed, my 1st reaction was oh yay another Concepcion. So I went back and did some research on Concepcion.
From what I gather he was really ill with mono and read when he did come back the Cubs instructed him to throw fastballs and fastballs only. Hence the reason why he got lit up. Of course also read some scouting reports that said he sucked before he got sick. Either way I got believe Theo and Co did extensive research and didn’t just sign him blindly like it seems right now. Jury is still out but hopefully the kid is much better this season.
Committed, eh? I guess it means if you think the Cubs will contend this year, then you need to be committed…At least my Royals are tearing it up in Spring Training…11-0 & counting…Now will that translate into wins, once the season starts? Who knows? But it does look to be an interesting season in KC this year…
1. I’ve lost the ability to trust: Blame it on every teacher (excepting 2) I ever had in elementary school.
2. I no longer have faith in modern medicine: Blame it on having had migraines daily for over a year.
3. I no longer trust my instincts: I don’t think I ever did. Except in chess, where my instincts suck.
4. I no longer trust what I know about baseball: I trust it pretty well up until Theriot wins another damn world series.
5. I have problems with authority: Again, elementary school. (High school was better, but not by a huge amount.)
6. I no longer have emotional/personal boundaries: I have probably had every emotion ever but I have mental issues predating being a cubs fan.
7. I’ve become a very specific racist: I’ve become a very specific non-racist. I hate just about everyone (present company excluded).
8. I no longer have respect or reverence for anything: Blame it on theinternet.
9. I’ve become an intellectual dullard: Probably always was, as far as most people are concerned. I mean, I can talk all day about quantum physics, but nobody wants to listen to me.
10. I’ve become everything I once hated: Not at all. I’m snarky as I’ve ever been, but I’ve always loved a good snark.
From the Sun-Times:
“The billionaire family that owns the Cubs sweetened the pot Wednesday in an apparent attempt to prod Mayor Rahm Emanuel into siding with the team in the dispute over Wrigley Field signage that’s holding up a $300 million plan to renovate the historic ballpark.
The Ricketts family announced that it has signed a letter of intent with Chicago Athletic Clubs to open a 40,000-square-foot “state-of-the-art” athletic club in the boutique Sheraton hotel the family hopes to build on the northwest corner of Clark and Addison.”
This was actually announce on the tribune site yesterday too…
If they want a renovation start after this season, they really have until opening day to get an agreement done.
They just need to build a new ballpark.
I have a plan for the new ballpark, stop me if anyone has pitched this one already…
So the Cubs offer to buy US Cellular off of whoever owns it. The Cubs demolish the Cell, build a new ballpark that people will want to go to, and then lease Wrigley to the White Sox.
Every Sox fan I talk to has nothing but pleasant things to say about Wrigley. I fail see why the Wrigleyville locals wouldn’t welcome the White Sox. If there are any Ricketts reading this blog, start tossing out options like this and see how quickly you’ll be allowed to get the old ballpark how you want it.
I’m not going to ballgames on the south side.
Ernie Banks and Richard Dent write a letter urging Illinois to legalize gay marriage:
http://aeryssports.com/second-place-is-not-an-option/no-mo-mo/
Hooray!
I didn’t know those two were an item.
“Hey, let’s play 2 today!”
So far, Villanueva has given up 4 hits in 2 innings.
Brewers fans everywhere are laughing at us.
More than is usual.
4 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2ER, 0BB, 2K
Actually…that’s not too horrible.
It’s not great by any stretch…but that’s a pretty good line for a Cubs pitcher this spring.
Re: Point #5
You might want to read this: http://bluebattinghelmet.wordpress.com/2011/09/21/dusty-left-him-in-too-long-twice/
In fact, there’s probably a lot of things on my blog you might want to read.
All the best.
Rob
bluebattinghelmet.wordpress.com
Do you mean Buck O’Neil? Or is there an autograph from the star of Hee Haw?
Bwahahahahahahahaha! This is what I get for writing my posts after midnight.
Obviously, I meant Buck O’Neil. Although, if Buck Owens had gone to the Negro Leagues Hall of Fame, I bet they would have asked him to sign a ball, too.