It’s that time of year again. We look put away what’s behind us and look forward to what’s ahead. For Cubs fans, this is practically impossible, traumatized as we are by the past and knowing what awaits us in the future.
In 2013, I resolve to be more protective of my physical body and my mental health. To that end, here are my Chicago Cubs Resolutions for 2013:
- I Will take steps to emotionally protect myself for each game by having a ready supply of Prozac and Xanax on hand at all times. Last year, I was caught empty-handed a few times, unfortunately for me, this happened more than once when Luis Valbuena was batting. Never again.
- I Will Not ride Metra into the city on game days without headphones and a sleep mask, so as to spare myself exposure to the Naperville frat boys home from school reminding all of us “We went to the playoffs TWICE with Theriot as our shortstop!”
- I Will always take a buddy to a game, so as to never be vulnerable to attacks by Ronnie Woo Woo/those picture-taking people/Todd Ricketts when I’m on my own.
- I Will Not a) convince myself that the Cubs have drastically improved the $15 giant pretzel since the year before or b) try to convince people to go in on the pretzel with me/attempt to eat said pretzel all by myself.
- I Will stand in line for the Chicago Dogs with the grilled onions rather than just grabbing the regular hot dogs from the concession stand because the line is shorter. I will remember that there’s a reason the line is shorter.
- I Will Not keep trying to convince Laura Ricketts that we could be best friends.
- I Will remember that this team is still years away from being competitive. I Will head out to see the Kane County Cougars to remind myself of what’s to come.
- I Will Not be okay with Jeff Samardzija’s hair, no matter how well he pitches.
- I Will attempt to warm up to Asian pitchers on the wrong side of 35.
- I Will Not advocate bringing back Reed Johnson, even though I know he could turn this entire team around and send them hurtling into the post-season. I Will Not listen to Rich Funk when he tells me that Reed dresses like a Nickelback fan.
- I Will attend Cubs Con, even though I’m not all that fired up about it. I Will remember that this is my one chance to make Theo fall in love with me, thereby allowing me to wield power over the Cubs via a puppet regime.
- I Will Not be fooled again by Carlos Marmol. I Will consider being fooled again by Jeff Samardzija.
- I Will expect the Ricketts to sign a bunch of crappy acts to play Wrigley this summer. I Will Not be surprised by the state of the outfield afterwards.
- I Will Not punch Tony Campana advocates in the face. Much.
- I Will remember to wear my mouth guard whenever I hear talk of/think about Crane Kenny. Grinding your teeth is no joke.
What are YOUR Chicago Cubs Resolutions for 2013?
Mine is to give not a single fuck about this team.
You should have added Tums,Imodium, and tylenol/Advil to resolution#1….
You damn well better go see the Kane County Cougars! I’m still ticked the Cubs had to leave Peoria so that the Cardinals could decide 90 miles closer to St. Louis is better for their Midwest League team than the Quad Cities was. So every single Cub fan in the Chicago area better go see them — often!
My resolution is that I will probably drink more on Sundays and touch up on my Hebrew so that I can curse better to people when I’m in Tel Aviv.
Since there’s really nothing to add today and because I want to hear YOUR resoutions, we’re leaving this up today. If anything happens in Cubsland, we’ll be sure to let you know.
I resolve to spend more time with my family and less time bitching about this team.
I resolve to try to remember all of my passwords, so I don’t have to keep changing them every time I log into something…..
I resolve to stop blaming my farts on the dogs.
Especially when they perk their ears up and look at you anyway.
You know…I’ve been looking at MLBTR’s top 50 free agents.
Did you know that the Cubs have signed 5 of those free agents?
While only one of those free agents was in their top 20 (Jackson was #7), it would be a complete lie to say the Cubs are strictly building from within. I doubt very many other teams, if any, will sign 5 or more players off of that list.
I hate Windows 8.
And I especially hate Windows 8 in Japanese as I’m trying to debug a problem.
So the new guy was at Wrigley today? Yay for news!
I can’t resolve.
Beer attacks those brain cells that store my resolutions.
Of course you’re going to the Cubs Convention.
Samardzija will be there.
A.J.’s gone and Ryan is out of town.
Cubs next signee:
Brandon Webb,
Fits the prereqs…Out of baseball with shoulder problems and had surgery.
HEY! Former Cy Young winner!