It’s that time of year again. We look put away what’s behind us and look forward to what’s ahead. For Cubs fans, this is practically impossible, traumatized as we are by the past and knowing what awaits us in the future.
In 2013, I resolve to be more protective of my physical body and my mental health. To that end, here are my Chicago Cubs Resolutions for 2013:
- I Will take steps to emotionally protect myself for each game by having a ready supply of Prozac and Xanax on hand at all times. Last year, I was caught empty-handed a few times, unfortunately for me, this happened more than once when Luis Valbuena was batting. Never again.
- I Will Not ride Metra into the city on game days without headphones and a sleep mask, so as to spare myself exposure to the Naperville frat boys home from school reminding all of us “We went to the playoffs TWICE with Theriot as our shortstop!”
- I Will always take a buddy to a game, so as to never be vulnerable to attacks by Ronnie Woo Woo/those picture-taking people/Todd Ricketts when I’m on my own.
- I Will Not a) convince myself that the Cubs have drastically improved the $15 giant pretzel since the year before or b) try to convince people to go in on the pretzel with me/attempt to eat said pretzel all by myself.
- I Will stand in line for the Chicago Dogs with the grilled onions rather than just grabbing the regular hot dogs from the concession stand because the line is shorter. I will remember that there’s a reason the line is shorter.
- I Will Not keep trying to convince Laura Ricketts that we could be best friends.
- I Will remember that this team is still years away from being competitive. I Will head out to see the Kane County Cougars to remind myself of what’s to come.
- I Will Not be okay with Jeff Samardzija’s hair, no matter how well he pitches.
- I Will attempt to warm up to Asian pitchers on the wrong side of 35.
- I Will Not advocate bringing back Reed Johnson, even though I know he could turn this entire team around and send them hurtling into the post-season. I Will Not listen to Rich Funk when he tells me that Reed dresses like a Nickelback fan.
- I Will attend Cubs Con, even though I’m not all that fired up about it. I Will remember that this is my one chance to make Theo fall in love with me, thereby allowing me to wield power over the Cubs via a puppet regime.
- I Will Not be fooled again by Carlos Marmol. I Will consider being fooled again by Jeff Samardzija.
- I Will expect the Ricketts to sign a bunch of crappy acts to play Wrigley this summer. I Will Not be surprised by the state of the outfield afterwards.
- I Will Not punch Tony Campana advocates in the face. Much.
- I Will remember to wear my mouth guard whenever I hear talk of/think about Crane Kenny. Grinding your teeth is no joke.
What are YOUR Chicago Cubs Resolutions for 2013?