If you missed the late-breaking news last night, the Chicago Cubs signed Scott Hairston to a two-year deal. Why? I don’t know why. Why do the Cubs do anything? I read something about the Cubs otherwise having to break camp with Vitters on the roster or some such nonsense, but, frankly, I was way too distracted by the fact that the Chicago Cubs have signed Scott Hairston to pay attention
This signing begs several questions:
1) What do you call a multiple of Hairstons? A flock? A herd? A gaggle? A MURDER? I was really on-board with a murder until Carl suggested ” a harem.” A harem of Hairstons is poetic, but (as someone else on Twitter suggested), a “wad” of Hairstons might be more accurate.
2) Should there be some kind of pre-season stat that measures when clubs do something like signing Scott Hairston to two years? Or breaking camp with Tony Campana on their roster? I feel there should be something, sort of like pre-season power rankings in basketball. We’ll call them FIs, which will stand for “fuck its.” As in, “Fuck it, let’s just give Scott Hairston two years and get this season over with already.
Accordingly, a team that gives Scott Hairston a two-year deal, breaks camp with Tony Campana on the roster, has Carlos Marmol for a closer, and signs a bunch of Japanese pitchers on the wrong side of 35 coming off a Tommy John surgery would have a pre-season FI rating of 4.0. Of course, the rating is adjustable during the season, depending on the moves the club makes. For example, naming Luis Valbuena the starting 3rd baseman (hypothetically speaking, for the love of God) would cause the Cubs’ FI rating to increase to 5.0. Benching Marmol’s ass would bring them back down to 4.0. The FI rating is a living, breathing thing, people. Respect it.
In other completely-expected news, Mayor Rahm Emanuel wasn’t thrilled with the Ricketts’ thinly-veiled plea for public support of Wrigley Renovations:
Asked what he says to the rooftop owners who have invested heavily in the properties ringing Wrigley and could see their business suffer if the city grants the Ricketts family more billboards in the bleachers, Emanuel said, “I’m not going to negotiate in public, but there’s a lot of effort being made to finish this up.”
The mayor wouldn’t say how much power Tunney should have to shape the plan.
“There’s a lot of things we’re going to work through,” he said. “Tom and I have been working on this for over a year. On this recent issue, Tom has been a constructive and productive person in the negotiations, but he too would agree it’s important to see this through to the end. we’ve got a number of issues on the table that still have to be worked out.”
Oh, Ricketts family. First you announced that you were seeking public funding for renovating Wrigley without informing Governor Pat Quinn or Mayor Daley. Now you are moving forward without getting Tom Tunney on board. You have so much to learn about getting things done in Chicago. Here’s a bit of free advice: They send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue! That’s the Chicago Way!
I leave you today with Sammy Sosa’s live chat from yesterday. You’re welcome.