A Girls’ Guide To Dealing With Girls’ Guides

Today an article was published telling women everywhere how to be fans of the New York Rangers. Frankly, I know quite a few female Rangers fans, and I’m fairly sure they’ve got it figured out already.

The article’s over at Blueshirts United, and although today I’m wearing a red shirt and a green tweed jacket, I decided to give it a look so I could make fun of it (because really, I make fun of everything). So here we go. Let’s take a look at this so-called guide and then go over the steps to coping with these sorts of things.

Gee, I’m not sure if I’m even supposed to know how this works without a guide or not.

This particular “girls’ guide” starts off by explaining the end of the NHL lockout thusly:

News of the NHL lockout’s end caused as much excitement in the male world as a 70 percent off sale does in a woman’s. If you’re completely oblivious to what the end of the lockout means, think of it as the premiere of the newest season of “Girls” being delayed by months, and then suddenly, it’s announced that it will be coming back but with a lot fewer episodes to make up for lost time.

I hate sales. I really do. I hate shopping, actually. I think quite a few women hate shopping, in fact. Really. You can’t stereotype an entire gender. There are quite a few men out there who hate sports – and even love shopping. So really, this goes both ways. (Also, I don’t watch Lena Dunham’s show. I’m waiting for Top Gear to come back, thank you.)

Anyway, back to the article.

Have said all that, this article is an attempt to help you at least understand their obsession, enthusiasm and passion, and help you hold your own during game nights.

Bad grammar in here. Sorry, those sorts of things just rankle me as a writer. (And ‘hold your own?’ Seriously?)

The article then goes into when to ask questions about what’s going on:

You need to sense the tension at certain points in the game and let them do their jumping, screaming and cheering thing. You can tell if something huge has happened by their reaction, and if you’re absolutely lost, wait for the replay. There’s always a replay after a major play.

I’m pretty sure that’s common sense. And why is it only their jumping, screaming and cheering thing? I’m pretty sure it’s my thing, too. Nobody swears violently at the TV in my house more than I do over sports.

Next step:

I’m not asking you to memorize a yearbook, but after watching a game or two, last names will start to sound familiar: Staal, Callahan, Del Zotto. You’ll get the idea. The Rangers’ roster is easily available online, and even though knowing a last name won’t do much in terms of understanding the game, it will build up your connection when watching future games. You’ll be more attuned to a game when you hear a name you recognize.

HEY, IF YOU WANT TO WATCH A SPORTS TEAM, LEARN THE ROSTER! No, really? It’s like when you start listening to a band – it helps to know the members’ names, or when you know the names of the actors on your favorite TV show. People do this automatically when they’re starting to get into something new. We learn as we go. This is just stupid.

Get To Know Goalie Henrik Lundqvist
I think you have to live under a rock to not know Lundqvist at this point. He’s an awesome person in general. But he doesn’t have to be your favorite player on the team, you know. Some people might prefer Cally or Dubi.
If you feel too forced and uninterested, at least know the Rangers’ schedule so you can schedule a girl’s night for those times. Oh, and one last thing: don’t give the guys and grief for their playoff beards.
Who messes around with playoff superstitions? What kind of a human being is that? And see this? You don’t have to get into a sport if you don’t want to. I’ve tried to get into many things that I just couldn’t, and I moved on from it. It doesn’t really matter. Now let’s talk about how to not ever write one of these again, okay, sports organizations everywhere?
  1. Don’t stereotype women – or men. There’s no reason to assume that all men love sports and all women are bewildered by this obsession. I happen to be a woman who loves sports and hates shopping, and I happen to know quite a few men who don’t like sports at all. This doesn’t define a person’s gender, so why do we keep making assumptions?
  2. Don’t talk down to women. Women aren’t stupid, so you don’t need to simplify the sports you’re trying to introduce them to. Why you’d think this is a good idea is beyond me.
  3. Be prepared to be made fun of if you write one. Because you will be. Horribly. And not just by me. Everyone’s going to mock you because it’s the 21st century. Besides, you’re just feeding satirists like myself, and who wants to be the idiot who feeds the trolls?
  4. Be prepared to be declared sexist. Again, you will be. Although I’m not one of those people who gets angry over these things – I just laugh my head off and make fun of them, like this – there are people who will get mad at you. You’ll have to deal with that, as well.
  5. Men need guides sometimes, too. There’s a lot of men who really don’t know a lot about certain things – sports included – but want to get into them. If you’re going to write a primer, you might as well just make it gender-neutral at this point.

See how easy it is to avoid this sort of thing? All you have to do is not be an idiot and don’t write things like this. I mean, the Rangers even tweeted this thing out on Cleavage Appreciation Day. Talk about bad timing on that one.

Anyway, I think I’m going to go back to working on my webcomic now. You know what? What a coincidence, there’s a girl in my webcomic who plays hockey. Who would’ve thought?

6 thoughts on “A Girls’ Guide To Dealing With Girls’ Guides

  1. Kat Velez says:

    This is a good article, and you should feel good about it.

    1. Steph Diorio says:

      Why thank you! I think I do. <3

  2. juliedicaro says:

    Well done. Hilarious.

  3. PsyMar says:

    Wait, Cleavage Appreciation Day? For us guys that’s every day.

    1. PsyMar says:

      Correction. For us straight guys.

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